I'm In the Corner, Watching you kiss her...

I slowly take a drag of my cigarette. I'm sitting in a lonely chair. In a lonely room. The only company I have is a bottle of wine and dismantled memories on repeat in my head. I'm staring at nothing and I'm really not sure how long I've been like this. Time becomes irrelevant being that he's not there to share it with me. I feel another tear slowly roll down my cheek and I know my intoxication is eating me alive. I can still feel his touch on every part of my body. The smell of his skin lingering with every memory or thought. I can still feel him enter me as we made the most passionate love. We talked about children, a house, more animals, and fantasized about our life together. We would shower together and he always insisted on washing my hair and running his hands all over my body as he was softly kissing me by my collar bone. I felt this sensation running through my whole body and it wasn't sexual. It was love, passion, everything a girl could ever dream of.

He was the type of man I personally wanted. He had a beard, scruffy hair, a small beer belly, he had tough hands, and a kind soul. I would randomly bring home an animals and he would laugh and shake his head. There was never much room for debates because we spent too much time enjoying everything about each other. He was very insecure and I never wanted him too feel that way. I think it's because when we were first together everyone made the comment of how "attractive" I am and how he is not an obvious fit for me. I loved him because he was real. He was a human with flaws just like anyone else and I loved his flaws more then I loved anything else. He lived at a place he rented from his parents, drove a car he borrowed from his parents, and had little money because of the bar scene. 

When we started to hangout, I had mentioned how I hate the bar. To me, the bar is a place you go if you feel empty. You don't want to go home but there is nowhere else to be... He understood and I spent my free time trying to build him up to be the confident man that I knew he could. Once that started building up, it turned into rejected calls and unanswered texts. He later got the truck of his dreams and I was so happy to see him smile like he did. All of a sudden, there was this distance. Then came the most absurd accusations. I figured he was stressed about his truck payments and being able to budget for the upcoming months. He was back to the bar, showing off his truck, and I was basically an option for sex at that point. There finally came a time of no longer responding too me. It was at that time that I knew he was done with me. I honestly felt myself die a little more each day. My daughter lives a few hours away and all I wanted to do was hold her. I knew I would have to explain this to her one day and the thought of it crushed me. I would be sitting in my room crying screaming, "I can't do this again, I won't do this again!" I completely closed off my bubbly, optimistic attitude and turned away from any contact.

Friends and family would reach out. They want to talk. Talk about what? How he destroyed everything that made me feel whole? How, one day we are talking about the most amazing future and then he had a sudden change of heart? How about ignoring me when we made plans to spend time with my daughter? The broken promises are more then I can handle. I don't even know the last time I took a shower or brushed my hair. My stomach curdles thinking about the last text he sent.  Whenever you hear or read the phrase, "I need some time to think", don't for a second assume those thoughts are about you. I've always had this fear of marriage. I see so many people struggle with it and end up marrying a few times as if there are practice runs. Granted, there are times I believe certain measures need to be taken. The issue is society tells us to do whatever we want because there is always an out. All I want is something pure. I want to marry my best friend. I want to give my daughter hope and set the expectation that marriage is so beautiful. I feel I have failed as a parent, as a significant, as a person...

 

~~~Campbell Soup 

Comments

Billy Roper Added Sep 29, 2016 - 4:17pm
The powerful thing about what you wrote is that it speaks to the commonality that we've all experienced, most of us more than once. Unrequited love, rejection, and betrayal, from the people we lower our shields and masks for, without armor. I know it's a cliche, but it's true, there are a lot of fish in the sea, and if you are true to yourself and maintain your own values and integrity, you'll find one whom you don't have to change for, and won't feel the need to change them, either. Good luck in your hunt.
Jeff Michka Added Sep 29, 2016 - 4:39pm
I guess I consider myself and family as lucky after this read, Andrea.  I too am sorry you had that experience.  I've been lucky, as said and have had the same, wonderful woman as a part of my life for 44 years.  Through good and bad times we made our lives together work, thinking it all worthwhile.  Now, as we've grown older, both fear leaving the other alone as "nobody gets out of here alive" become more of a reality.  Kids have helped. and we never got to worrying about truck payments and how we'd make it, month to month.  We'd always find a way, we'd always find our time and take it, despite demanding work schedules and even overseas postings alone.  All the richer when back together, and then home together.  We've had our sadnesses and hard times, but worked them through.  We felt we owed each other that, at very least.  Whatever you do when you get past this, I wish you well.
Shane Laing Added Sep 29, 2016 - 4:41pm
You shouldn't judge yourself a failure just because the man you thought was your soul mate let you down. As Billy says remain true to yourself, don't shut yourself away, be that bubbly person you are.  Remember your ex made the biggest mistake by letting you go.
Ryan Messano Added Sep 29, 2016 - 4:46pm
Good judgement comes from experience experience comes from bad judgement.
Andrea Campbell-Launert Added Sep 29, 2016 - 6:21pm
I'm so sincerely grateful to have perfect strangers lift me up. You all are such an encouragement and I can't thank you enough!
Jeff Michka Added Sep 29, 2016 - 7:05pm
Why would you ever in your life live any other way? Get up off your butt (my friends forced me) and go out and live your life. -  Good advice.  Must have been some caring friends, Jeanne.  Good you had them and good you carried on.  I suspect Andrea will do something similar, she'll be okay with, as Michael suggested, time.  But you always have to remember time is short, so make most of it!
Jeff Michka Added Sep 29, 2016 - 7:23pm
Out of interest and the merest dash of hope, good memories I hope, Michael, but doesn't sound like it with stating "reminders"...
Sam S. Added Sep 29, 2016 - 9:54pm
My Dear dear sweet lady, Sadly in life there is no growth without pain.     As all Growth is, change and all change places us squarely outside  of  our comfort zones and to be out of comfort is being in pain
 
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
Or a Woman, my Daughter!
Ryan Messano Added Sep 30, 2016 - 12:09am
Great poem Sam.  Thank you, love Kipling!
Ryan Messano Added Sep 30, 2016 - 12:19am
Also, really sorry for what you went through, Andrea, though it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  
No human on earth can fill our needs. Our best friends will let us down.  For if we are imperfect, which we all are, how can we expect another to be perfect always?  
 
You did not have your selfless love returned, and that was selfish of him, but that does not reduce you as much as it does him.  Our value as humans lies less in how others treat us, and more in how we treat others, particularly when they mistreat us and we don't deserve it.
 
Love and sex are sacred and bind the heart with powerful cables.
 
There is a great book you might like called " how to find  a Boaz and not a bozo".  Historically Boaz was a wise, loving, rich, handsome , powerful man.  
 
To find a man who will cherish, love, care for, protect, and provide for you, look to your Creator.  As he knows what you need, He knows who your match is.
Sam S. Added Sep 30, 2016 - 12:46am
Ryan Messano Kipling and be timeless
Lynn Moore Added Sep 30, 2016 - 1:36am
Andrea, your writing is so heartfelt and honest. Just doing this is wonderful and very therapeutic. It is actually a part of your healing. Bravo!
 
Men and women end relationships for their own reasons and not because of you. Oh, they may say it's because of you, try to put  blame on you, but it isn't. They simply don't know how to take personal ownership for their decisions and behaviour. 
 
That aside, before you enter into any future relationships, may I suggest you, a) learn to love yourself above all else, and b) learn about personal boundaries and how to set them. When these are part of your daily life you will attract an entirely different kind of man. You will exude a certain confidence that will appeal to a man who respects women and will always be your friend as well as partner. 
 
Take it from one who has been in an abusive, short, first marriage, a single mother on Assistance and remarried for 48 years now! My hubby and I have seen the very best and the very worst of each other and we have been through some very, very tough passages. Something keeps us loving each other throughout it all and every passage makes us stronger. 
 
Relationships always start with YOU and love is not something you need from someone else to 'complete' you. Love is not what you 'need' from someone else to make you feel worthy. 
 
Lastly, no matter what occurs in your lifetime, whether you judge it as right, wrong, good or bad, it really has a purpose; to help you learn. There is always a value to virtually every occurrence. Look for the value in this relationship and how it has made you a better person.
 
Then hold your head high and take your first steps toward the life you deserve, and that is never in someone else's hands, don't give anyone that kind of power over you. Take back your power, live your life purpose, help others and true happiness is yours. 
 
Good luck, Sweetie!
 
Jeff Michka Added Sep 30, 2016 - 11:21am
Ironically, she wasn't very good in bed, and her cooking also left much to be desired. lol - So, if you have sex or a bad meal, are both of those "reninders?"  :-)
Lynn Moore Added Sep 30, 2016 - 12:46pm
Michael: A woman will only be as 'good in bed' as her partner helps her to be. Concentrate on HER pleasure and yours will be heightened exponentially!
Jeff Michka Added Sep 30, 2016 - 1:11pm
 :-)  Thanks, Michael, I was curious.
Ryan Messano Added Sep 30, 2016 - 1:22pm
You are right Lynn.  When a man focuses on pleasing his wife, she will ordinarily respond with a torrent of affection.  
Mircea Negres Added Sep 30, 2016 - 2:22pm
Loss and suffering are universal. The best one can do is go through it and come out tougher and wiser, less inclined to give others so much power over us, and for damn sure never, ever define ourselves by those we care about. The downside is that there's a risk of not allowing ourselves to live by turning away from the possibility of finding love, which is a disappointingly pale and tasteless existence. 
Shane Laing Added Sep 30, 2016 - 6:37pm
Andrea, take a look in the mirror, you are beautiful. Unfortunately when I look in the mirror all I see a fugly guy looking back. I'm pretty sure you wont have to wait for long for love to come crashing through your front door.
Jeff Michka Added Sep 30, 2016 - 7:30pm
Just read a Michael joke possibility I can't resist.  It's good you said  "
Jeff Michka Added Sep 30, 2016 - 7:31pm
I make my own German food."  It could have been another kinda production. :-)
Jeff Michka Added Sep 30, 2016 - 7:37pm
Andrea, take a look in the mirror, you are beautiful. - You are right, Shane.  Looking at her photo she is pretty, but habit tells me to say she also seems a smart and competent person who happens to be pretty.  Nice combination all that.  And yeah, she'll have to beat the guys off with a club when she starts looking for love and romance again.
Shane Laing Added Sep 30, 2016 - 7:50pm
Oh indeed, I totally agree, a smart, caring, beautiful woman. A fine catch for any man.
Stone-Eater Friedli Added Oct 1, 2016 - 9:40am
Andrea
 
It's hard to lose someone. However I've made the experience that it's no good getting too attached to a woman/man. This does not count for my kids, of course, but humans are not made to be monogamous. This has come from religion, nothing else. It's not human nature, if it were, there wouldn't be relations ouside of marriage, right ?
Stone-Eater Friedli Added Oct 1, 2016 - 9:42am
BTW: When one wants to see man-woman relations which function properly, he has to go outside of Western "culture". There people aren't as fucked up as they are in our societies.
EXPAT Added Oct 1, 2016 - 11:51pm
I wrote about our Love affair Andrea. I will call it "MY tawdry Affair with Andrea. Here is the opening:
I met Andrea in a Bossier City Casino. The Black Jack table we played. was slow paced due to several older players who had trouble counting cards and needed assistance from the dealer. She drank slowly and ordered doubles. Bourbon and water. I saw her eyes drift my way and I offered "Having any luck."
She smiled: "No you?"  "Yeah, I'm doing OK. But I just got in town"
 
Please read it! I started it as a  comment to your article, but got carried away.
 
EXPAT Added Oct 2, 2016 - 4:53am
Andrea. He was much younger than you wasn't he. How old is your photo?
Your writing style is from the 60's. What used to be called Romance Magazines for Blue Collar women. A collection of short stories on unrequited love.
 
You can't make people into what you want them to be! I know, I tried also. Never works.
MJ Added Oct 2, 2016 - 8:27am
Stone: "However I've made the experience that it's no good getting too attached to a woman/man."
You forget we are not robots Stone!   'the heart wants what the heart wants."     Why do I have to struggle so much with you today?
MJ Added Oct 2, 2016 - 8:32am
Andrea : "insecure"  You named his weakness, if you learn to stay away from insecure men in the future you will be more than ok. Good luck!
Mircea Negres Added Oct 3, 2016 - 5:08am
Well, MJ, I pretty much said the same thing as Stone-Eater. Also, secure men often find they don't really need women for too many things beyond horizontal affairs.

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