I slowly take a drag of my cigarette. I'm sitting in a lonely chair. In a lonely room. The only company I have is a bottle of wine and dismantled memories on repeat in my head. I'm staring at nothing and I'm really not sure how long I've been like this. Time becomes irrelevant being that he's not there to share it with me. I feel another tear slowly roll down my cheek and I know my intoxication is eating me alive. I can still feel his touch on every part of my body. The smell of his skin lingering with every memory or thought. I can still feel him enter me as we made the most passionate love. We talked about children, a house, more animals, and fantasized about our life together. We would shower together and he always insisted on washing my hair and running his hands all over my body as he was softly kissing me by my collar bone. I felt this sensation running through my whole body and it wasn't sexual. It was love, passion, everything a girl could ever dream of.
He was the type of man I personally wanted. He had a beard, scruffy hair, a small beer belly, he had tough hands, and a kind soul. I would randomly bring home an animals and he would laugh and shake his head. There was never much room for debates because we spent too much time enjoying everything about each other. He was very insecure and I never wanted him too feel that way. I think it's because when we were first together everyone made the comment of how "attractive" I am and how he is not an obvious fit for me. I loved him because he was real. He was a human with flaws just like anyone else and I loved his flaws more then I loved anything else. He lived at a place he rented from his parents, drove a car he borrowed from his parents, and had little money because of the bar scene.
When we started to hangout, I had mentioned how I hate the bar. To me, the bar is a place you go if you feel empty. You don't want to go home but there is nowhere else to be... He understood and I spent my free time trying to build him up to be the confident man that I knew he could. Once that started building up, it turned into rejected calls and unanswered texts. He later got the truck of his dreams and I was so happy to see him smile like he did. All of a sudden, there was this distance. Then came the most absurd accusations. I figured he was stressed about his truck payments and being able to budget for the upcoming months. He was back to the bar, showing off his truck, and I was basically an option for sex at that point. There finally came a time of no longer responding too me. It was at that time that I knew he was done with me. I honestly felt myself die a little more each day. My daughter lives a few hours away and all I wanted to do was hold her. I knew I would have to explain this to her one day and the thought of it crushed me. I would be sitting in my room crying screaming, "I can't do this again, I won't do this again!" I completely closed off my bubbly, optimistic attitude and turned away from any contact.
Friends and family would reach out. They want to talk. Talk about what? How he destroyed everything that made me feel whole? How, one day we are talking about the most amazing future and then he had a sudden change of heart? How about ignoring me when we made plans to spend time with my daughter? The broken promises are more then I can handle. I don't even know the last time I took a shower or brushed my hair. My stomach curdles thinking about the last text he sent. Whenever you hear or read the phrase, "I need some time to think", don't for a second assume those thoughts are about you. I've always had this fear of marriage. I see so many people struggle with it and end up marrying a few times as if there are practice runs. Granted, there are times I believe certain measures need to be taken. The issue is society tells us to do whatever we want because there is always an out. All I want is something pure. I want to marry my best friend. I want to give my daughter hope and set the expectation that marriage is so beautiful. I feel I have failed as a parent, as a significant, as a person...