Today is the much-anticipated soccer match between the US and Mexico. It is a chance once again for Mexico to prove that it is a world power. Earlier this year, Mexico defeated the American team by tricking it into forming a unity wall. The Mexicans were able to sneak across at will. Trump tweeted, "We let them win. We have a great team, really, really great. Really great and I am going to make it even greater. Nobody will be able to beat us like under Obama."
Trump signed an executive order early this week ordering the US soccer team to construct a wall around the goal to prevent the Mexican team from scoring. Trump tweeted, "We will not be tricked into building a unity wall this time. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on Comey." Clinton held a press conference saying that the wall is nothing more than "a big, fat nothing burger." The Mexican president shot back on Twitter, "Since when has a wall ever stopped Mexicans?" Almost immediately, a lawsuit was filed in the ninth circuit seeking to bar the building of the wall on the grounds that it sole intent was to prevent Mexicans from scoring and was therefore discriminatory. As luck would have it, Judge Robart heard the case and has blocked the executive order on the grounds that Trump called Mexicans "bad hombres" during his campaign for the presidency.
Shortly after the Clinton press conference, it was revealed that Clinton was under another FBI matter for accepted $100 million dollars from the Mexican soccer team prior to the election. Clinton allegedly agreed to replace the American team with the Mexican team once elected. When a reporter queried Clinton, she reportedly snapped, "At this point, what does it matter. I lost the election because of the Mexican soccer team. If they had been in the US at election time and voted rather than gallivanting all over the world playing soccer, I would have won. The matter is one big nothing taco." The new FBI Director is expected to matter the charge against Clinton.
Tensions eased a bit when the Mexican president promised to limit the hanging of headless effigies to Trump, much to the relief of Vice President Pence. However, he refused to rescind the invitation to Kathy Griffin to perform at half-time. Also, Mexican fans will be limited to throwing one bag of urine each at the American players. The Mexican people have protested this rule because it violates their Constitutional rights. Trump tweeted, "They have no rights" and promised to send ICE agents to arrest all illegals. After being reminded that Mexico was a sovereign country and he could not do that, Trump responded with another tweet, "I'll do it and I'll make them pay for it. Just watch me. It's going to be one big Mexican burger." Mexican drug gangs threatened the American players saying it will decapitate them and hang them from bridges. Trump is demanding that Kathy Griffen be barred from Mexico.
Mexicans will crowd the bars to watch the game today. It is their best chance to show that they are superior to those American gringos after being repeatedly insulted by the American president, Donald Trump. Several more headless bodies were found hanging from bridges the next morning, coincidental to several students gone missing.
In addition to Kathy Griffin's performance at half-time, it will feature a pinata in the shape of the US where Mexican fans will have a chance to beat the hell out of it until it breaks. After protests from Elizabeth Warren and Nancy Pelosi and Bernie Sanders, the American left was also invited to participate.
Obama also weighed in on the games. He was quoted as saying, "If the Americans win, it will be because of climate change, causing the Mexican team to take an extra long siesta." Concerning Trump's threat to send ICE agents to the game, Obama responded, "If they want to keep their players, they can keep their players." The Mexican team went into hiding.
An emergency ruling is expected today from the Supreme Court. Lawyers for Trump's Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, are expected to argue that the ban should be lifted because the order did not mention Mexico. The plaintiffs are expected to argue that since the game is being played in Mexico, it's intent was to deny Mexicans their constitutional rights.
One Mexican fan had this to say. "I hope Mexico loses. If Mexico wins, Trump will make it more difficult for my family to enter Mexico whenever it wants. I won't be able to vote. We will lose our benefits. I will lose my job. My wife is pregnant again, and I am very worried."
Former FBI Director, James Comey, chimed in claiming that President Trump ordered him to end the investigation of his staff over alleged ties to Mexican politicians to throw the game in favor of the Americans for which it is rumored that Trump agreed not to build the wall if the American team won. Comey allegedly leaked classified notes to a colleague. The contents are expected to be leaked to the press any moment now. Stay tuned for further developments. Senator John McCain awoke claiming the Russians did it, to which Putin replied, "My sources tell me that McCain has been senile for the last 30 years." McCain was quick to respond that Boris Yeltsin didn't know what he was talking about. When asked about Trump's comments, McCain seemed confused. Pelosi reminded him that George Bush was the current US president.