Bugs Bunny - Bugs finally came out of the closet after all these years. As if we didn’t have our suspicions about him all along, much like Rob Halford of Judas Priest; it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure certain things out. In addition to being a shameless kisser of the males of numerous different species, he has also dressed up as a female on numerous occasions. In addition to his constant nibbling and gnawing on carrots, he also goes in and out of a hole in the ground, a dirty hole for sure. Carrots and dirty holes; metaphors for something else considered to be dirty? Perhaps. Also, his catchphrase, “What’s UP, Doc?”, can also be re-interpreted in a bone-smoking context. Bugs has reportedly moved to San Francisco, and is on the short list to be the next Grand Marshal of the next Gay Pride parade.
Porky Pig - Porky is torn between two worlds at any given time; on one hand, he gains supporters from those who stand up for creatures who have speech impediments (although his English is still astoundingly good for a pig), but on the other hand, he is under constant and vicious attack by body shamers for being, well, porky. Porky reportedly stays a country mile away from any form of the Internet because of the constant trolling he gets. Porky was said to be happy that the Los Angeles Dodgers haven’t won the World Series since 1988, and was heard also to say “…and I hope it stays that w-w-ay, as long as those m-m-murderous b-b-bastards keep plugging F-f-farmer F-f-ucking J-j-ohn!”
Daffy Duck - Daffy went from being a crazy, zany, carefree duck to being a crabby, grumpy, and vindictive curmudgeon. Although multiple shotgun blasts to his head undoubtedly took its toll, Daffy apparently was also among the first recipients of what eventually became anti-depressants. Although full of energy and humor while on-screen, Daffy reportedly went into deep depressions and spells of apathy and lethargy when he wasn't working, which led to his ever-increasing use of opioids and methamphetamines, coming down from which unfortunately coincided with his ever dwindling acting roles. He allegedly told Charlie Sheen after one of their rehab counseling sessions, “You’re despicable.” Although Daffy’s place as one of the first black actors to achieve prominence is often overlooked, it is possible that he may have made a serious blunder in choosing his profession; his apparent indestructibility is highly sought after by private military companies, who would fall over themselves to hire him.
Yosemite Sam - After one violent criminal episode too many, Yosemite Sam was finally caught, tried, and imprisoned for several years and forced to take court-ordered anger management sessions and anti-psychotic drugs. Upon his release, being a convicted felon, he was barred from being within 500 feet of guns, explosives, or weapons of any kind, finishing off what remained of his already shattered career. After being turned down for a job representing Yosemite National Park for his past behavior, especially his cruelty to animals which made him a perennial target of both the ASPCA and PETA, Yosemite Sam doffed his headgear, shaved off his beard and mustache, and disappeared; rumor has it that he has joined the Islamic State, regrowing his facial hair and reveling once again in cruelty and killing and gaining a new moniker, Tal Afar Samir-al Amriki.
Elmer Fudd - Initially thought to be a shoe-in for the presidency of the NRA, his candidacy was scuttled by fellow members for being "too soft on rabbits, and too stupid to tell the difference between a real woman and a rabbit dressed up like one." Elmer is another one who seems to get it from several sides; the Feds have nailed him several times for hunting out of season and/or without a license, and he joins Yosemite Sam in being in the crosshairs of the ASPCA and PETA. Elmer also had a secret career in the Secret Service, acting as a body double and decoy for President Dwight D. Eisenhower. A Secret Service agent jokingly told him once, “Be vewy vewy quiet; I’m hunting the Pwesident…hahahaha.”
Foghorn Leghorn - After being a successful player for many years, Leghorn's Southern accent and white feathers finally caught up with him. Despite the fact that he was a white rooster (although with a brown head) and lived, seemingly all alone, in a barnyard and whose only neighbor was a similarly-pigmented dog who was always at odds with him, Leghorn was constantly being accused of "white privilege", which he vigorously denied and pointed to his surroundings as proof that he wasn't privileged in any way. He was accused by a juvenile chicken hawk of being, ironically, a chicken hawk himself; although eventually found not guilty, his legal fees exhausted his finances where he wound up living (not surprisingly) in a chicken coop, finding new life at an egg farm, where he reportedly said, "I say, I say, who the hell needs money and that gawd-damned DAWG when I got all this, I say, ALL THIS PUSSY and free feed, too! To hell with ya’ all, I say!”
Pepe le Pew – Pepe, after many years of (mostly futile) attempts at amorous escapades, was eventually put on Gloria Allred’s hit list. After being arrested and charged with numerous sex-related offenses, Pepe was also sued from his nose to his tail by numerous female felines (PUSSY cats) for various sexual harassment-related incidents. He was forced to register as a sex offender in all 50 states, and has had trouble finding work ever since. It has been rumored that Pepe has had his stink glands removed to prepare for a second career in porn, with the working title for his inaugural “release” titled, “Pepe’s PeePee Goes SPEWWW!”
Marvin the Martian – After being consistently thwarted in his attempts to conquer and/or destroy the planet Earth, Marvin decided to change tactics. Doffing his warrior regalia, Marvin applied for political asylum and was rejected by numerous countries until finally being allowed to stay in Russia on a temporary visa. The Russians, although claiming that they are allowing him to live in peace and on his own terms, are most certainly interrogating him and trying to get Marvin’s knowledge of advanced weaponry to use for their own selfish purposes. Marvin, scarcely believing his good luck, is using the Russians, giving them a bunch of worthless garbage, and by the time they figure it out, Marvin will have perfected his own devices in order to accomplish his own goals.
Wiley Coyote – Like Daffy Duck, Wiley is also seemingly indestructible and apparently picked the wrong line of work. Tiring of falling from thousands of feet and being crushed by multi-ton objects and not interested in becoming a mercenary or an explosives disposal expert, Wiley, perhaps being more wily than most of his cast mates, went back to school and earned an MBA, and after several years of working in Sales & Marketing (in addition to his other S&M-related activities), Wiley finally reached a height that not even that fucking Road Runner could knock him down from: Chairman and CEO of the ubiquitous ACME Company.