Jo Sutch, Advisor on Narcissism

My Recent Posts

On FB I have become friended with a very interesting person named Jo Sutch who studies narcissism. This interests me because I come from a narcissistic family and have been studying the idea since I first heard the term in a psych class called personality and adjustment, by a remarkable teacher named Eastwood Atwater who wrote the book.


Today she was talking about strategies for achieving our goals. Most were simple, don't make rash decisions. When you find yourself getting worked up, take some deep breaths, don't think while doing this, just breathe until you begin to calm then think.


One of the things narcissists use to keep us at their mercy is agitate us into confusion. Mixed messages, lies coated in complements, that's okay, but if you had only started ten years sooner it would be professional quality, physical invasion presented as caring gesture, like my sister poking me hard with her fingernail and telling me how much she loves me, or more accurately, woves me.


Having studied the behavior for so long, I have an excellent grasp of all of the dynamics and how to not get too caught up. I do have a temper when provoked, but I have slowly learned that the best way to use my temper isn't in fighting battles I can't win, but in using those bursts to turn the battle in a direction where I can ambush my attackers. I wrote the entire narcissistic episode of my Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's on my FB page, Mark Smith, local St. Davids down a ways from the top, but the first longish piece on the page, if you are interested in reading about my life. It got a significant amount of juice. My life got threatened, but I used Ni To Ichi martial arts techniques to escape.


My point about narcissism is that we are dealing with a narcissistic president and the approach the opposition is using to battle his obvious crazy notions of what appropriate means. No one should ever shake this man's hand. We all ought to be doing what I believe was the Austrian president's wife did, when he puts out his hand just walk on by and shake the hand of someone who is at least half-decent, like his wife. I don't know if we have ever had such an inconsequential first lady, but she is a narcissist's wife and might as well be one of those new animated sex dummies. I think she might be more behind the nothing she's given to do, but Trump, like all narcissists insists that the people close to him act like dummies, or bulldogs, or something trained to blindly obey his commands.


Yes, there will be consequences. People who refuse to shake his hand will be taken off the list of "likeable" people. People who don't show Trump the respect he believes he deserves will be banished, or is it Bannioned, from the inner rectum, sorry, sanctum, deprived of Trump incites, like nicknames, Pocahontis, which isn't just Elizabeth Warren's nickname, but is actually something he tried to do to a hot hostess in Jersey when he was campaigning with Chris Christie. He kept calling her, Hon, even after the manager asked him to stop. He then nicknamed the manger, Softie Dick, when he saw his name tag said, Dick, and walked out without paying.


Christie paid and apologized for his friend and that cost him a job in the cabinet. The point of this story is that a narcissist's insults are his compliments on your character. Jo's advice was small steps towards achievable goals.


Trump will never be a polite person, we can see that. He sees no benefit. But just because we do doesn't mean we can't make an exception when not in polite company.       


mark henry smith Added Nov 30, 2017 - 5:59pm
I have decided not to post family drama on this page after some narcissists have complained that personal, family stuff shouldn't be aired in public. I'll keep it on FB.
George N Romey Added Nov 30, 2017 - 6:47pm
It’s a trait of the rich because they can be arrogant without consequences. Trump learned early on when you have money many people will kiss your ass no matter how much of a jerk you are. Unfortunately with what we have with the Democratic Party Trump is sure to be around until 2025.
Bill H. Added Nov 30, 2017 - 7:45pm
Mark - I know Oh So Well, as I worked for a classic Narcissist boss for about 12 years. It was always all about him, nobody else. Every good thing that happened was due to him, every bad thing was someone else's fault. He would rarely, if ever smile. His temper was out of the park. He was a constant womanizer, but the ladies detested him. He constantly lied his ass off, and would tell different stories for the same situation at different times, if you made the mistake of saying something similar to "I went fishing last week and caught a 2 pound trout", he would on-cue, chime in with yet another "That ain't nothin.............................". Of course, he had always caught the biggest fish, won the largest jackpot, and had the fastest car, and the best everything. We all learned quickly never to mention an accomplishment around him.
He would never listen to, or be open for any suggestions on how to improve the operation, although he would implement a suggested move later and take credit for it. If you questioned him, you were immediately on his bad list.
This is exactly why I knew Trump was trouble from day one. I know exactly how he will react to most situations. And of course, that is all he will do is react, because there is NO thought process whatsoever, simply reaction.
Wendy Skorupski Added Dec 1, 2017 - 5:00am
Mark, thanks for your thoughts on narcissism. Having experienced the damaging effects of this in my own life, it was both refreshing and reassuring to read your post. Many years ago, when I was going through a crisis due to a key narcissist who was playing merry hell with my life, I started reading up a lot about the condition and was interested to see that it overlaps with sociopathy. The overall advice was to keep such people OUT of your life. You will never change them, and they feed upon  your emotional suffering. However, if you happen to be a US citizen with a president such as the one you've been landed with, then I suppose saying "keep them out of your life" is easier said than done!
mark henry smith Added Dec 1, 2017 - 11:31am
George, Bill, and Wendy,
My Thanksgiving was so classic. A nice calm dinner suddenly turned into a fight when I told my asshole-in-law that my goal for the rest of my life is to serve God, which has actually been my goal all along. He started screaming insults at me and then threatened my life. Whoa.
I did not take the bait. I just sat calmly, until my mother left the room screaming, "I can't take this." I followed her and told her I would correct the situation. I first told my asshole-in-law that what angers me is that they invite my mother to their house, then the asshole-in-law asks her what music she would like to hear before dinner and when she requests Mozart or Schubert, he puts on Coltraine at full blast. My mother hates all modern music except classical and he knows this. He's abusing her. She's 88 and I've been told by my sister to treat her with kid gloves, but here is her asshole husband subjecting her to Abugrab torture techniques and she doesn't say a thing.
They don't defend his actions, but argue that the classical CDs are put away, taped up in a box upstairs as if that makes his actions justified. I say, you could have put on the fucking radio with a classical station. After another squabble, I apologize, saying, I should not have raised my voice, and could we please just have a quiet dessert on this day of thanks.
I call my sister later, once home and thank her for the nice meal and for inviting me to such a lovely party. She starts telling me how wrong I was to attack her asshole husband and I just shake my head, say goodbye and hang up. She has left me several voice messages since and I'm deleting them without listening. Believe it or not, my brother is worse, with his never get angry approach, do all the dirty behind the scenes with a smile on his face.
My mother is the best of them, but she lies about anything that threatens the dynamic that has been established that I'm the bad guy, but at least she honors her deals.
As far as Trump, I wrote today that he is putting fellow narcissistic sociopaths in positions of power because they are the only people he has any respect for. I now see that the spouses of my brother and sister are compliments to their anti-social, surface social behavior.
My ex was a full-blown sociopath-narcissist, and is it any wonder that I bonded with her in the worst way? At first, I thought I could heal her, plant a seed of empathy, but when I realized that was impossible, I decided to study her and use her traits to create a fantastic character for my fiction. That's Wysteria Burke who becomes the warden of a private prison I get stuck in called WCCC, Wayne County Correctional Compound. The beginning chapters of that novel are here on this site, under the Noyes in Prison, title.
That's how I have stayed sane, writing about all the evil that was done to me and how I turned it into good. The terrible thing about evil is that as a good person you can't fight it with evil without becoming evil, so you hav to find other means, although every now and then you just want a buy a gun and slaughter the whole lot of them. That's why I'll never own a gun.          
mark henry smith Added Dec 1, 2017 - 11:41am
Thanks my friends. Love and peace. My hope is that the can of worms Trump has opened will get inside his system and eat him from the inside out. The economic boom as represented by the stock markets is supposed to placate the sheep, an artificial measure of security that the rich and powerful can manipulate for whatever perception they want to present. It will fail at some point, and when it does in a a devastating way for many, the real fight will start.
When that happens, I'll buy whatever supports our cause and do whatever it takes. And so will they. Wait, they already are killing people, killing them softly with fake wars.  
Bill H. Added Dec 1, 2017 - 1:33pm
Empathy does not come with Narcissism.
I have heard stories from several acquaintances about Thanksgiving dinners ruined by the division caused by the Trump regime. It is sad that it is breaking up both family ties and even marriages.
Dark days for this nation that will hopefully pass quickly.
Even A Broken Clock Added Dec 1, 2017 - 1:43pm
I've thought that the best way to get under the skin of the President is to use ridicule as a tool. I also like the example you give of ignoring him. I would say satire but I think satire goes right over the orange mantle.
Dino Manalis Added Dec 1, 2017 - 4:53pm
Trump loves the attention, but Melania honestly said she never wanted or expected to be First Lady.
Jeff Jackson Added Dec 2, 2017 - 4:03am
Bill, I'm with you on the boss thing. Had more than one of those. How do they get to be bosses? Shameless self-promotion?
opher goodwin Added Dec 2, 2017 - 10:55am
Mark - a great post. I think that wife of his is definitely a sex robot. She does look very much like one of those out of Ex Machina or Humans.
I still wonder about him walking along holding hands with Theresa May. What was that about? I suppose she was grateful it was just her hand.
mark henry smith Added Dec 2, 2017 - 2:20pm
Thank you all for reading and commenting and opher, that last comment made me crack up. Why isn't he ass grabbing Merkel? Oh, that's right, she's a dog in his assessment of the value of women and she'd probably punch his candy-ass, wimp, lights out. I've had interactions with Trump types all my life and I befriended a guy I knew was the worst sociopath, narcissist I ever met, not just because he had great pot and access to exclusive golf clubs that I had not interest in spending money to play, but wanted to play, and kept him as a friend after it got ugly because he's a wonderful character too. Last time I saw him he told me that he knows I wrote about him and reminded me that he'd told me he'd kill me if I did. Still waiting.
Anywho, because of the way I'm wired, able to pick up on hidden cues that the narcissists don't realize their putting off, I know what they're thinking almost all of the time and thuis know when to skidattle without saying goodbye.
I'm sorry that I broke my pledge not to bring family drama onto the writerbeat pages, but it's a work in progress as is all of my work.
Love and peace to all of you and let's hope that Mueller gets to slip Trump a Mickey Flynn.     
mark henry smith Added Dec 2, 2017 - 2:55pm
My point about Trump and Merkell was supposed to be that she'd kick his ass in a fair fight, those narc types don't want to get their hair mussed up, so they get others to fight their battles. Trump wouldn't last a minute in the ring with me or Merkell. And I could kick his ass at golf. That's a challenge Donnie. Put up or shut up.
One time my narc said something about my wife that was particularly offensive. I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck, he's 6-4 and I'm 5-9, and he crumbled to the ground and screamed for help. What a sissy. By the way, I've quit smoking everything as of two weeks ago and I feel fantastic, through out all of my paraphernalia and have walked by packs of tossed cigarettes and roaches. They're way more abundant than the casual observer would expect.
Love to see WB so active. But let's not have the climate debate again. We're just beating a dead horse. As I like to say, you can beat a dead horse to water, (rising waters), but you still can't make it drink. Great to Wendell back. Sad to see how the idiots twist his words. His explanation of sensible heat was great, that microwaves and infrared have no heat component until they strike an object and the energy is converted to heat by the agitation of molecules.
That Stockdom and Mike Haluska would make idiot play of such clear explanation, makes their intentions clear.