I am currently and suddenly unemployed! Many of you who have read my past posts are probably thinking,"what did she do? Get caught giving blow jobs in the supply closet?" But seriously, I never got caught. No, this sudden turn of events is entirely on me.
My entire life, from the age of thirteen, I've been a worker, with no objections. When I was not needed elsewhere in my life, I was usually needed at work. If no one would listen to me, at least I had a boss, ( or usually did), who gave a fuck what I had to say. And let's face it, employment is the only place in life where pushing yourself beyond your physical and mental abilities is actually rewarded monetarily.
I was EXTREMELY good at my job. I am so talented at what I do that I have decided to not let others profit from my gifts any longer. I am going into business for myself! While I have been keeping busy designing, marketing and prepping; I have had a couple days where I did NOTHING.Why did this make me feel bad?
Who decided that my life is not worth while just because I am no longer clocking in everyday. I know some will say that if I feel badly - then those feelings are coming from myself. Ok, you are correct, but why? What is it inside of me that makes me feel bad? And who put it there? Do I blame my parents? Or is this one I can lay on society?
We can all agree, I believe, on the fact that we live in a society where the one who dies with the most toys wins. I don't want to leave this world with a bunch of stuff in boxes that once meant something to me, but now just collects dust. I want to leave this world with memories and experiences. I want my time to truely be my time. I want to wake every morning with a renewed sense of adventure; not with a resolve to just make it through the day. I feel these things strongly and resolutely. I am just very much trying to banish the pulling sense of "you must be out there, you must participate". I feel a sense of loneliness and isolation, even though I am not alone. But I keep coming back to 30 years of selling my talents to someone else. What do I really have to show for it? Possessions are just that, mere objects, one really must put them in thier place. Our possessions will eventually posses us, what then? You can't take any of it with you anyhow - right?
So I join the thousands of others. The ones who want to be treated fairly, to reap rewards that are equal to thier talents. The ones who want to spend thier time thinking and experiencing, instead of performing a daily routine that means nothing and becomes progressively rote and disenchanting. I know there are bills to be paid, and certain life goals that have not yet been achieved; and maybe never will, but who cares?
Yeah, exactly- who is it that is keeping the scorecard? I do not own my own home, never have. After thirty years of work, this is one of the benchmarks that I was supposed to have reached by now. Who said? Why is this expected of me? Two differnt times in my life I began putting away money for the beacon, "downpayment". Both times I ended up using the money to travel. 'Ello England and Ciao Italy! Those memories will be with me forever, no one can ever take them away. I hear about people losing thier homes everyday.
So there it is, I am unemployed. I currently do not join the huddled masses in thier commute, in thier giving of time for money. I may find the need for gainful employment - I know that life is not free, no one gives us anything for nothing and the rent must be paid. But I am taking a shot at a better life-on my own terms. Judge me as you may - but I do believe from this moment going forward I will feel better. I will take my guilt and leave it here. You guys know what to do with it.