My “Xmas Presents” to WB

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To everyone I wish a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Even though I do not celebrate Christmas, I try not to get in the way of others that do. Anyway, I thought I would post some of my favorite Xmas songs and this epic modern-day Christmas poem which appeared in MAD Magazine’s Issue #228 from January of 1982, and was written by Frank Jacobs and illustrated by Harry North. A copy of the original version can be found here:

 

http://www.madcoversite.com/mad228-night.html

 

 

THE SONGS

 

 

I Hate Christmas - The Rugburns:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiF8wKobF68

 

F*ck Christmas - Eric Idle:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOg7aPNLLG0

 

F*ck Christmas - Fear:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pbTULjLtKP4

 

 

THE POEM

 

 

THE 1981 NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Or

A FINAL VISIT FROM ST. NICHOLAS

 

'Twas the night before Christmas, and one thing was clear-

That old yuletide spirit no longer was here;

Inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;

The fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;

 

I opened a beer as I watched the TV,

Where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;

The kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;

Or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.

 

While ma with her ball-point pen was making a fuss

'Bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;

"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;

"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"

 

When out in the yard came a deafening blare;

'Twas our burglar alarm, and I hollered,"Who's there?"

I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,

And, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.

 

Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense

Was caught in our eight-foot electrified fence;

He called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"

Said I, "If you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"

 

But, lo, as his presence grew clearer to me,

I saw in the glare that it just might be he!

I called off our doberman clawing at his sleigh

And, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's okay."

 

I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,

And he poured out the following tale of despair;

"On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,

But now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."

 

"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,

And without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;

Although I would like to continue to use them,

The wild life officials believe I abuse them."

 

"To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by

And told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;

I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,

And bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."

 

"Last April my workers came forth with demands,

And I soon had a general strike on my hands;

I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,

So the missus and I did the work by ourselves."

 

"And then, later on, came additional trouble-

An avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;

My Allstate insurance was worthless, because

They had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause"

 

"And after that came an I.R.S audit;

The government claimed I was out to defraud it;

They finally nailed me for 65 grand,

Which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."

 

"And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare

Flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;

Not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,

Taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."

 

"My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,

I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.

And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,

It's from flying too close to a nuclear site."

 

He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,

And I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;

"I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,

But I fear that today I've become obsolete."

 

He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,

And these last words he spoke as he went on his way;

"No longer can I do the job that's required;

If anyone asks, just say, ”Santa's retired!'"

Comments

Leroy Added Dec 13, 2017 - 6:28am
Thanks!  It gave me a laugh to start my day.  Good one.
Stone-Eater Friedli Added Dec 13, 2017 - 6:40am
Cool LOOL
Dino Manalis Added Dec 13, 2017 - 9:19am
Merry Christmas and Happy; Healthy; and Prosperous 2018!
The Burghal Hidage Added Dec 13, 2017 - 9:37am
In keeping with the theme of debasing the holiday....
 
here follows a holiday themed joke, sure to offend most, to amuse some or to simply bore others....
The Burghal Hidage Added Dec 13, 2017 - 9:39am
There once was a young lady who as she reached sexual maturity developed a peculiar fetish for Santa. In her late teen years she began to prepare on Christmas Eve with a succession of seductive outfits to lie in wait for Santa's arrival.....
The Burghal Hidage Added Dec 13, 2017 - 9:41am
The first time Santa encountered this precocious trollop she tried to entice him with her come hither look, but he replied " Ho Ho Ho! Got to go! Got to take toys to all the children, you know!"
The Burghal Hidage Added Dec 13, 2017 - 9:42am
The scene repeated itself for a few years with the result always the same:  " Ho Ho Ho! Got to go! Got to take toys to all the children, you know!" .....
The Burghal Hidage Added Dec 13, 2017 - 9:44am
Then came Christmas her first year of college. Now the gloves were off! And everything else. She greeted Santa spread eagled before the fireplace wearing naught but a smile. With a seductive leer she said "hey Santa? How 'bout this year?" .....
The Burghal Hidage Added Dec 13, 2017 - 9:45am
To which the jolly old elf replied " Hey Hey Hey! Got to stay! Ain't gettin' up that chimney with my dick this way!"
The Burghal Hidage Added Dec 13, 2017 - 9:46am
Merry Frickin Christmas :)
George N Romey Added Dec 13, 2017 - 10:23am
I hate the "Christmas season"  If you want to know what's wrong with society and our economy look no further than people standing in line at 5AM to buy a fricking $200 laptop at Wal Mart.  At least years ago Christmas time in Australia wasn't considered as much of a big deal.  I was there on year right before Christmas and it was nice not be barraged with Santa this and that. 
Ian Thorpe Added Dec 13, 2017 - 11:23am
Like most of you I'm not a Christmas fan, but I thought I would join in the spirit of the thread by posting a link to "Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me" by The Goodies.
It's a great sing - along for the irreverent although I can only find the clean version on YouTube today. In the original the hook line was "As she stood beneath the mistletoe with nothing on at all."
The Burghal Hidage Added Dec 13, 2017 - 11:47am
There! See! She does exist!
Shane Laing Added Dec 13, 2017 - 5:50pm
Christmas. Baa humbug.  Waste of time and money. Only spirit I'm interested in is my large bottle of Bombay Sapphire.
wsucram15 Added Dec 13, 2017 - 8:45pm
hmmm. Christmas songs.    I also hate Christmas so if you listen to these and YOU DONT LIKE CHRISTMAS..you'll laugh.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcnLW840vP4
I still laugh at this every year and my x has been gone for years..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DH-LqVpsC04
 
Best remake of the 12 days of Christmas I have ever heard..by FFTL
might want to get the lyrics...LOL. (This link gives you the words)  Remember sauconys?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhwIgtDu4Yc
 
Blink182 with words..lol  (I love this song-makes me laugh- Satans helpers..hhahaha)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KPXPQ-s0SlQ
 
Thats good enough..oh wait..Dropkick murphys, lets talk about families...lol.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTx-sdR6Yzk
If you think yours is crazy, well you should see mine..... this is a  funny song about family and cheer...lol.
 
wsucram15 Added Dec 13, 2017 - 8:49pm
PS MICHAELB..  LOVE THE POEM AGAIN.   Also the songs were great..
 
Happy Holiday Season.
Jeffry Gilbert Added Dec 13, 2017 - 11:22pm
Fa la la la, la fucking la. 
wsucram15 Added Dec 14, 2017 - 8:34am
Hey Jeffry..I like your avatar.  Cute. 
Leroy Added Dec 14, 2017 - 10:43am
I liked the previous avatar better.  Some women must have complained about being sexually abused.
Jeffry Gilbert Added Dec 14, 2017 - 10:56am
Just for you Leroy. 
Leroy Added Dec 14, 2017 - 2:30pm
Thanks!  I was worried a gaggle of women was holding you hostage.
John Minehan Added Dec 14, 2017 - 4:08pm
For any Don Imus fans . . . .
Michael B. Added Dec 17, 2017 - 9:33am
Thank you all for your comments...FUCK XMAS!!!! Hahahahahahah!!!!
Michael B. Added Dec 17, 2017 - 9:36am
LOL John M., Xmas as only someone from Brooklyn could relate!
Dr. Rupert Green Added Dec 17, 2017 - 2:23pm
Looking for some Jamaican rum cake and sorrel. Christmas is for children, especially for those who have someone that loves them and can afford it. I was blessed with seven children. I wonder now how parents with even 3 children survive, when one child demands a $500. gift. In my days as a youth, we did not demand a gift, we we anxiously awaited and appreciated what was given. 
Dave Volek Added Dec 18, 2017 - 5:47pm
I read MAD magazine religiously in my teenage years. This one was past my time, but it is interesting to note that MAD did not paint 1982 as some golden age.
 
I recall a MAD article called "This is the Land that SAM Built", circa 1975. This is neat poem that links child poverty to corporate greed. 
 
Would you know how to find it?
Michael B. Added Dec 19, 2017 - 9:02am
@ Rupert - Agreed. Xmas puts financial stress on those who can least afford it. There are more important things to value than some artifact.
Michael B. Added Dec 19, 2017 - 9:03am
@ Dave - The link at the top of the post would be a good start.