My Three Days in the White House

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Tubularsock and I have been inventing our own conspiracy to get rich quick.

 

It has been proven that people from the politically left--progressives, collectivists, socialists, union leaders, commies, environmental whackos, do-gooders, civil liberturds,  liberty-taker-awayers, lazy whiners, and activists who can't get a job except holding a protest sign-- really don't want to change the system such that people like Mr. Trump and Ms. Clinton won't rise too high. The left are as addicted to the drama of politics as everyone else--and would much prefer to read about the salacious and incorrigible details (real or imagined) of the Trump administration than to actually fix things.

 

So the plan was to use Tubularsock's vast journalistic and political connections to get me a job in the White House. Going from history, the average employee lasts about six months there. But I should be able to fill my notebook in that time and pass it on to Tubularsock. He would then use his unique writing style to create a best seller. We were going to be so rich in telling how the rich exploit the poor that we would need to set up a few offshore accounts to reduce our taxes.

 

Tubularsock told me to "go now." So I put on my best and only suit and headed for the Calgary Airport. Rather waste time going through all those connecting cities to get to Washington DC., I just rented a private Leerjet, maxing out two credit cards: Calgary to Washington non-stop. That sacrifice proves my dedication to the leftist cause!

 

I got to the front door of the White House and rang the doorbell. A cyborg-type guy with black suit, white shirt, deep sunglasses, and two blue-tooths answered.
 
"Tubularsock sent me," I said.
 
"Come this way," said Mr. Cyborg without hesitation. We went down a flight of stairs, two-rights and a left, down three flights of stairs, three lefts, up one flight of stairs, a left and a right after passing some poster of the current president, straight through two intersecting hallways, got on an elevator and went six floors down. Then left, go passed the potted rubber tree, right, left again to the "Office of the New Hires". I learned from James Bond movies that it is best to remember the path out of a building. The chicks dig that kind of intellect!

 

The cyborg said to the clerk: "Here is the guy Tubularsock recommended."

 

She handed me a badge that said "New Guy #37".

 
"Your office is Room 121." the clerk said. That was it! No security checks, no citizen checks, no civics test, no Republican Party loyalty check, no checking under the fingernails for Democrat Party fungus: I was going straight to work! The Tubularsock must have a lot of power and influence in Washington to bypass the usual protocols.

 

So the cyborg escorted me to my office. It was back to the elevator, up four floors, left-left again passed the men's washroom sign-right-left, down one flight of stairs, one right, one long walk to the end of a hallway, and one more right, and there was office #121.


I was greeted by my four interns: Stephanie, Tiffany, Tiffany, and Tiffany. They told me that I was the Secretary of Nuclear Bored Games, and my job was to devise strategies for deflecting the media away the nuclear war with North Korea when we reach that state of affairs.

 

They were already at work. Stephanie had a plan to deflect media coverage of the nuclear war by increasing the coverage of an event of no consequence: the Russian tampering of the election. Tiffany was comparing blue prints from 18 engineering companies for a big wall. She had a list of pros and cons of each wall. If that list was dumped on America, every American was likely to have an opinion of which wall was best and then the contest for shouting loudest and longest would begin. Tiffany was looking for buildings in St. Petersburg to rent as the American embassy in Russia. The last time an embassy changed locations, it took so much attention away from government that a tax bill passed to make rich people even richer. Besides Moscow was too far away and too cold for ambassadors. And Tiffany was drafting a bill to charge an import tariff every time cold air moves from Canada to the USA. Not only is this a deficit buster, it would unite Americans of all political stripes and stars, and woe to any Congressman who votes against it. Surrounded by so much competence, I decided to focus on organizing my desk and let these capable people to their jobs. 

 

On the third day, I finally got my paper clips in my paper clip DIA and my thumb tacks in my thumb tack DIA. Some guy called Veep stuck his head in my door and said: "You're fired".
 
"Why" I asked.
 
"The boss doesn't like prime numbers today" he said.
 
Not thinking about myself, I asked, "What about Stephanie, Tiffany, Tiffany, and Tiffany?"
 
"They will be reassigned" Veep said.
 
Thinking about myself, I asked "What about my three days pay?" Hell, three days of a White House Secretary's salary should almost pay off my Learjet bill.
 
"The Secretary to Pay Secretaries was New Guy #11. He didn't get your paperwork done in time." Veep seemed to have an answer for everything. 
 
Two Cyborgs extradited me out of the building. They took different path and my James Bond memory skills were then really put to the test. As they pushed me out of the back door, they took away my New Guy #37 badge. "We'll need this again" the bigger cyborg stated.
 
The only useful thing I learned was that DIA stands for "Desk Impingement Area." If you say this acronym enough times in the White House, it makes you sound smarter than you really are. But that's not enough to write a bestseller.

 

Stuck in Washington with no money and maxed out credit cards, I turned to Tubularsock. He said "Go back to your Leerjet rental. Everything is taken care of."

 

I was back in Calgary in eight hours. Inside my mailbox was a bill for $23,000 from Tubularsock (and US $ at that). How he could get the Canadian Post Office to deliver a letter faster than a Leerjet trip shows how powerful he really is. Don't mess with this guy!

 

I really tried to save the world!

 

Comments

Autumn Cote Added Dec 28, 2017 - 8:13pm
While Tubularsock may be a household name within the Writer Beat community, it’s difficult for me to promote this article because not very many people will know who he is. Is it really necessary to mention his name to get your point across?  If you think the answer is yes, is it necessary to mention his name nine times?  Why not just give him credit once?
Tubularsock Added Dec 28, 2017 - 9:54pm
Ahhh Dave, Tubularsock thanks you for breaking all the secret protocol and expose all of this information to the outside world.
 
No problem.
 
Tubularsock has instructed President Dump to just say, “this Tubularsock/Dave incident is NOT TRUE, BIGLY!”
 
That should settle it when he says it three times consecutively. Done Deal!
 
However, Tubularsock does have an issue with Autumn over this post.
 
And that issue is just how will Tubularsock EVER become a household word with YOU, Autumn, not promoting Dave’s post?
 
Do you think Raid® - Spider and Scorpion Indoor/Outdoor Killer Spray would have ever become a household word if it wasn’t for promotion?
 
Or just how would Drano® -- Max Gel For Toilet Clog even had seen the light of day without a promotion?
 
Tubularsock is as close to Spiders, Scorpions, and Toilet Clog as a guy could get! And now you can’t see it at the pinnacle of your powerful position to promote Tubularsock into the world of the household word?
 
Hmm, shows good judgment.
 
All that is left is to Google Tubularsock as see ...........
Mark Hunter Added Dec 29, 2017 - 2:31am
Seems to me you have all the material you need for the next great literary novel, if not a best seller. Sure, you'll die cold and starving, but you'll have a Pulitzer, or maybe even a Nobel.
Neil Lock Added Dec 29, 2017 - 8:03am
Very amusing, Dave. But, perhaps, a bit too realistic to be believable? :-)
opher goodwin Added Dec 29, 2017 - 9:03am
Wow!! Dave that was great. I wish I'd thought of teaming up with Tub. I need a new angle. Being British might preclude me from working in the Whitehouse though!
Dave Volek Added Dec 29, 2017 - 11:12am
Autumn
If there is a point I was trying to make, I'm not too sure what it is. I think it's common knowledge that this White House is fairly dysfunctional.
 
Anyways this article grew over several of Tubularsock's entries. Not too sure how I got inspired, but I was having some fun.
 
And I'm not too sure how you can effectively promote my work. I've been peddling my TDG for 20 years, and no one seems to want to even consider it as a viable option. Have you read it?
 
Tubularsock
If Autumn successfully promotes my work and you  become successful, I get 1.5% of your gross revenue. 
 
Mark
Turn this into a novel? Hmmmm. It's one thing to keep this level of humor going for 1,000 words. Quite another for 20,000 or more.
 
This sort of reminds of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". I can't believe how Adams kept going and going with his little quips while maintaining a coherent plot line in a SF setting.
 
Besides Tubularsock would have to get me back in again, this time with a "no-fire" stipulation. Is he really that powerful?
 
Neil
Other than the White House being dysfunctional to semi-dysfunctional, I'm not sure which parts are true or not. 
 
But let's start a conspiracy theory.
 
Opher
No credentials required when Tubularsock gets you a political job. Shop around for the best Leerjet rentals. I didn't do that.
 
 
 
Autumn Cote Added Dec 29, 2017 - 12:01pm
Dave,
Authors that comment on the work of others get my white glove service, which I define as doing everything in my power to draw more attention to your articles.  It is not my intention for them to consider TDG (not sure what that is) as a viable option.  However, if you want readers, I can do that via my behind the scenes promotional tools.  The problem is most people will have no idea who Tubularsock is, meaning I don’t see them continuing after the first sentence.  That is why I chose not to promote this article, however you very much earned my white glove service. 
opher goodwin Added Dec 29, 2017 - 12:18pm
Dave - I'll get right on to that. Can you put in a word with Tub on my behalf?
Mark Hunter Added Dec 29, 2017 - 4:52pm
Dave, I've written book length non-fiction humor, but I agree that doing that in fiction would be difficult. Not that I haven't tried ...
Dave Volek Added Dec 30, 2017 - 10:24am
Autumn
 
In my efforts to make to a better world, I spent six years in party politics only to learn one can't "make better" from there. But I did get a good understanding of why western democracy is failing us--and somehow concocted a replacement system of governance. That is what my book is about. And promoting it is why I am mostly on Writer Beat.
 
Unfortunately the book is 56,000 words long, and it really can't be broken up into sections that fit well with the Writer Beat format.  But there have been all sorts of opportunities to "dovetail" into a comment thread to put a link to my website. And  I have probably taken at least 50 of those opportunities since September.
 
So what has been the result?
 
The statistics program for my website says that maybe 20 people have clicked on the link. Most do not get past the landing page. A few read a few pages in, then quit. I did have one WB contributor read the entire book (about three hours in two sittings). But she (I believe it was Eileen de Brun) did not communicate any approval or disapproval of the TDG concept. I believe one other WB contributor (Neil Locke) read a good part of the book. For all the hours I have put into WB, I am getting a rather poor return on my time investment.
 
This is not much different than my 2009 foray into promoting this idea. Even though we have a very controversial president of the USA, people who  understand that there is something very wrong still won't investigate alternatives into governance. As I have alluded to in this current WB article, they would sooner have someone like Mr. Trump so they can complain like hell than to spend three hours reading my book.
 
With that collective mindset, what can Autumn really do to promote my work?
 
While I still have a little hope that WB can do something for me, I am here mostly for fun these days. This particular piece was inspired by one of Tubularsock's articles. This story was bouncing in my head for some time, and when I started on the keyboard, it did not take too long to come out. But this article would put me as one of thousands of writers poking fun at the Trump Administration. I really can't see myself rising above the floodwaters in this river. And I really don't want to be known as another critic of Mr. Trump. The article was fun to write, and I'm glad a few people here enjoyed it. 
 
But I seem to be the only person advocating for a totally new system of governance. I am still a trickle of water in a desert.
Dave Volek Added Dec 30, 2017 - 10:34am
Tubularsock
 
Opher wants a job in the White House. This time put in a mandatory one-month no-fire clause into his contract. And I believe he already knows what a DIA is, so he is ahead of me when I was a new hire. 
 
Mark
About 30 years ago, I had a very vivid dream about a colony of about 200 people living on the edges of Cypress Hills. They were totally self sufficient, not needing much from the outside world and not giving much back. I had this dream several times, and it was about them being forced into interacting with the outside world.
 
I spent about a month trying to write this story. And it was just schlock, especially the dialogue. I gave up on creative writing and stayed with writing I was better at (hey, I really enjoy putting instructions together). If nothing else, this experience taught me about the skill required to weave a story together.
 
What really surprised with this piece was that I was able to put together some quick dialogue that was reasonable.
 
Maybe there is some hope for me as a fiction writer. But I think I would need to be financially independent first.
 
 
 
opher goodwin Added Dec 30, 2017 - 10:46am
Dave - I'm eagerly waiting!
Thomas Napers Added Dec 30, 2017 - 12:00pm
I think you expect way too much from this site and your writing.  Having fun and attracting readers to your articles should be your primary focus.  As for Tubularsock, the guy is clearly insane, so any effort to link you to him would only detract potential readers. 
Tubularsock Added Dec 30, 2017 - 12:42pm
Oh, and not to get too picky but the added postal fee from the Canadian Post Office for Private Speed-Dogsled Delivery (CPOPSDD) was an additional charge of $7000.00 that will be billed to you.
 
Tubularsock does admit that they sure were fast!
 
Tubularsock would say the lesson in all of this is that trying to save an illusionary world is like attempting to beat on the movie screen in order to alter the movie.
 
WE, the projectors are what needs to be changed.
 
And in a world where the maximum attention span is 280 twitter characters, 56,000 words is an uphill climb! But never say never!
 
Tubularsock does wish you luck on your quest.
 
Rest assured that Tubularsock is moving ahead with your opher application (OA). Your recommendation is a big plus for opher’s chances.
 
In the beginning of the new year President Dump will be dumping several current employees in his administration so some positions may be open soon. Perhaps even Secretary of State.
 
Is it true that opher hangs with the Queen?
Cheers!
Tubularsock Added Dec 30, 2017 - 12:43pm
Thomas Napers, Tubularsock loves to hear from you with your voice of reason. Tubularsock does agree with you that Tubularsock “is clearly insane”!
 
However being insane in the insane world that we live in seems to Tubularsock that that would make him “normal”.
 
Scary isn’t it!
Stephen Hunter Added Dec 30, 2017 - 1:13pm
Dave, 
Perhaps you could turn TDG into fiction, where this system of governance was actually  employed out of necessity, when NK started a nuclear war. :)- but really a good story get's people's attention. 
 about Autumn's point, think she is looking at the bigger picture, and perhaps that an audience unfamiliar with WB, would have no idea about this Tubularsock. A quick intro to this character may have done the trick. 
opher goodwin Added Dec 30, 2017 - 4:17pm
Thomas - you disappoint me. How can you say Tub is insane? It is the ones who support Trump and the mass idiocy of runaway capitalism who are insane. Tub is just zany. I was looking forward to my job in the Whitehouse. With the rate of attrition in personnel under Trump I reckon they'll get through the whole population pretty quick and I'll be in with a chance.
opher goodwin Added Dec 30, 2017 - 4:18pm
Tub - I'm hanging with A Queen right now!! I'm also waiting for the call!! I'll be ready!!
Dave Volek Added Dec 30, 2017 - 8:30pm
Thomas
I would say that you belong to the 85% who would never consider any serious change to our structures of governance. This book is not for you. Don't buy it!
 
Stephen
I have to admit that the "fiction" approach to marketing the TDG is intriguing. But it would take a lot of time and energy (which I am in rather short supply these days) PLUS work on a new style of writing that I don't have a lot of experience. It's one thing to weave "three days in the white house" but it's another to create a setting, plot, and characters to span more than 50,000 words to create a nice story to read on a beach. I really haven't developed those skills.
 
However, Chapter 1 of my book is a short fiction based on two nations having different systems of governance: western democracy vs. the TDG. While the two nations start out in a similar position, their respective systems of governance has one declining and one advancing.
 
I consider this chapter my best work. While I had ideas bouncing in my head for some time, I remember when I started keyboarding the story into shape, the story almost wrote itself in a few hours. It has quite a few layers that I never anticipated; I only discovered them after my first draft.
 
I was hoping that this 4000-word short story would be a good hook for why we need to make the change, but it seems readers tune out rather quickly. They seldom move to Chapter 2.
 
To All
Thank you for your encouragement in continuing this TDG project. But I make it quite clear in my book that implementing the TDG will not be built by some political messiah. And if there is such a thing as a DEEP STATE, it has brainwashed us into thinking such change can only come from a messiah.
 
The TDG will be built by ordinary people living ordinary lives in ordinary neighborhoods. When it is finished, the TDG will truly be government by the people and for the people. 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Stone-Eater Friedli Added Dec 31, 2017 - 6:44am
Dave
 
Sorry I haven't finished TDG yet. But I need to be back in Africa to find the time and quietness to read on. You hear from me.
 
Stephen Hunter Added Dec 31, 2017 - 9:34am
I remember when I started keyboarding the story into shape, the story almost wrote itself in a few hours
Dave, whenever you get in this kind of 'artistic zone' you know there is something there which is coming from your true inner self. (which is connected to the universe) We are all brought into this world with a purpose, and when we are in that zone of creativity, we are in alignment with that purpose. 
Autumn Cote Added Dec 31, 2017 - 11:23am
All I can say is that I didn't build Writer Beat as a means to promote anything.  I figure "fun" is a good enough reason to be here.  
Dave Volek Added Dec 31, 2017 - 11:25am
Stephen
 
Yes, it's an amazing feeling when things like this come together. Musicians enjoy their music and painters enjoy their paintings and basketball stars enjoy their shot-making. But it takes a lot of practice to get to this state. I kind of feel sorry for those who have not taken a skill to this level where things seem to flow from the inner self.
 
But there is a level of practicality that must be respected as well. One can take their art too far. When the art is sacrificed for everything else, then there's something wrong with that drive for the inner self.
 
In another invention of mine, I drove myself too hard. And it cost me a lot of money to go nowhere. I had to admit that I thoroughly enjoyed the creative process, but I had to realize that I could have tested the market out for about 1/4 of my investment in the project. Since then, my projects have been low cost. I do spend a lot of time on them, but family and friends are not sacrificed.
 
It has taken me a bit more than year to put the 4th version of the TDG together. Costs are around $5000. The projected outcomes have been book sales are enough to quit my day job and help people build their local TDG to having no sales at all. I will know by the end of January.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Stephen Hunter Added Dec 31, 2017 - 12:16pm
Dave I understand practicality and survival must come first.  And i respect what you have risked and continue to risk in realizing your vision. You have learned a lot so far and you will use that knowledge moving forward. 
opher goodwin Added Dec 31, 2017 - 7:11pm
Stephen/Dave - there is nothing like the feeling when you are in the zone and it flows. Nothing comes near.
Mark Hunter Added Jan 1, 2018 - 12:38am
Dave, fiction writing isn’t the way to go if you want to be financially independent!
Dave Volek Added Jan 1, 2018 - 8:43am
Mark
 
The businessperson within me is looking for a profit. I have put up about 10 different "inventions" over the years. While I have come to realize that the chances of commercial success are small, if any one of them does connect with the public, it can go a long ways. This chance of profit has kept me going, but I fear the 4th edition of my TDG is going to be my last foray into being creative on this scale.
 
I could indeed write a great work of fiction that could help promote the the TDG. But the time required, especially to learn some new skills--I'm not prepared for that sacrifice. It's time to clear some debts and save a little for retirement.
 
But I am glad for the creative opportunity writing and the internet has provided. And yes, those little writer's highs were very enjoyable. There will be no regrets. 
 
Stephen Hunter Added Jan 1, 2018 - 9:06am
Dave in today's vernacular, you are looking to make this thing go "viral". You are looking for that one common thread which speaks to most and causes them to click and click again. The younger ones seem to have a better handle on things that "go viral" today. From a musician/songwriter perspective, you are looking for that "hook", which causes people to hum the melody line subconsciously. 
Dave Volek Added Jan 1, 2018 - 11:19am
Stephen
 
"Viral" would be nice, indeed! The question is how does one get to that stage?
 
I find it very ironic that a lot of Americans complain about their lack of choice in voting for American elections, and I have developed a system that opens up the process to millions of Americans to participate AND it is a system in which the likes of Mr. Trump and Ms. Clinton would not rise very high. Yet no Americans seem to want to even look down that path.
 
We Canadians have a similar irony in how the electoral reform commission failed to gain any public traction and was becoming a liability for the Liberal government. Canadians really don't like a system where 40% of the vote can provide 75% of the seats, but when asked to consider changes to that paradox, again looking down that path is something the public does not want to do.
 
A few years back, Britons had a referendum that put a transferable vote of the ballot, which should have given a 50% majority to many constituency elections (and without a run-off). Yet Britons could not fathom ranking their preferences 1-2-3.
 
The evidence was all there that people really don't want any kind of electoral change even though they really don't like the system.
 
It's a strange world. Maybe I should put up some TDG graphics with cute cats.
 
 
 
Dave Volek Added Jan 1, 2018 - 4:22pm
Stephan
I have hired a professional internet marketing company to help me with book sales. THey have been creating some great memes, but no tangible results yet.
 
Thanks to your suggestion, I have instructed the marketer to produce memes that focus on shares, rather than direct sales. I suggested cute kittens with the TDG logo and some clever ad copy.
 
 
Mark Hunter Added Jan 2, 2018 - 2:38am
I suppose going viral is a term that matches most creative hopes. And cute kittens couldn’t hurt.
opher goodwin Added Jan 2, 2018 - 3:21pm
Dave - marketing is something that I have not yet got to grips with.

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