The Nine Satanic Statements

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Satan. The Devil. Beelzebub. Lucifer. The Beast. The Prince of Darkness. There are numerous names and synonyms for this anthropomorphic personification of anything and everything that is evil, but does he (or she) deserve the rap? I’ve never been religious in any way, shape, or form, but I’ve been around long enough to know that “Jesus is good, Satan is bad.” As per my habit of looking at different sides of things and inverting them with the intention of gaining a better understanding, I came across an interesting character named Anton LaVey.


The world’s premier Satanist and (not surprisingly), the founder of the Church of Satan, LaVey, who died in 1997 and presumably went straight to Hell, gave me the impression that he was much more of an entertainer than a true agent of evil, which doesn’t really make him that much different than countless other celebrities. If there truly is a Hell, then LaVey probably is having a hell of a time there; in addition to his other talents, he evidently was a gifted keyboard player. I can only imagine what kind of band could be formed by other musicians who wound up in the nether regions…undoubtedly, the Supergroup From Hell. Pretty catchy name!


Anyway, I read LaVey’s Nine Satanic Statements, and thought I would use them as a litmus test to see if I was a Satanist or not, so here goes:


#1: Satan represents indulgence instead of abstinence.

Hmmmm…why would someone deny themselves of some pleasure? There’s certainly a time and a place for everything, but when I get to the point to where I’d rather be deprived and miserable instead of satiated and happy, then it’s time to flip the script.


#2: Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams.

I’ll admit that there have been times in my life where I prayed for something, and pretty much every time, I got the total opposite of what I prayed for. Shit happens, and that’s that. You reap what you sow. Some people are very lucky, but most are not. It is truly a cruel world; life’s a bitch, and then you die. Game Over.


#3: Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit.

The truth of my existence is everything around me that I can experience with my own senses. I try my best to be true to others as well as myself. Most of things I know have been learned the hard way, and  I constantly and actively try to be open-minded and learn new things. People are innately contradictory and hypocritical, so I just deal with it and laugh as much as possible.


#4: Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it instead of love wasted on ingrates.

This is one of my favorites. People are pretty scummy overall; you give them an inch, and they’ll take 10,000 miles. I do nice things for people because I want to, not because I feel that I have to. You have good relationships when others feel the same way about you. Most sound relationships are based on some form of reciprocity. I avoid manipulative and narcissistic people at all costs.


#5: Satan represents vengeance instead of turning the other cheek.

I think that if more people suffered negative consequences for all of the fucked-up things they say and/or do, the world would be a much better place overall. I cannot overemphasize the importance of bud-nipping; the longer that asshole people get away with shit, the bolder and worse they become. My favorite line from the movie Goodfellas: “You got out of line, you got whacked. Everybody knew the rules.”


#6: Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires.

It happens all too often, especially in the corporate world, that some people are punished for their intelligence, industriousness, and initiative, while others are rewarded for their stupidity, laziness, and incompetence. Political Correctness also contributes heavily to this. There are many out there that are essentially vacuum cleaners who suck, suck, suck, and suck but never give anything in return.


#7: Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all-fours, who, because of his “divine spiritual and intellectual development,” has become the most vicious animal of all.

Polar bears, tigers, sharks, and other fearsome predators perform a vital function in all of their respective ecosystems and don’t take anything more than they need, whereas humans thoroughly and utterly alter and/or destroy everything they come into contact with. The world would be better off without humans; I’ve always felt we were some kind of alien experiment that went awry.


#8: Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification.

This is the statement that I’m at the most at variance with. Just because someone CAN do something, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they SHOULD. Is it OK to kill someone? Usually not. Is it OK to steal from somebody? Usually not. Is it OK to fuck your girlfriend’s sister? Usually not. Is it OK to lie? Usually not.


#9: Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as He has kept it in business all these years.

No argument there. I’ve always wondered why, if God was so powerful, and evil was so bad, then why have all of the evil in the first place? Is this some kind of fucking game? Maybe I have a greatly over-simplified view of the world and the universe. I’ll probably never know.


After examining my answers, it’s safe to say that I could be a Satanist, or at least a Satanic sympathizer. I also have a funny feeling that for merely having this outlook, many supposedly “good” people would completely cancel out and/or disregard the countless good and nice things I’ve done for people in my life, whether they were close family and friends or perfect strangers, if not wanting to behead me and/or burn me at the stake. Oh well…at least I know what to be for Halloween from this point on! ; )


Benjamin Goldstein Added Jan 12, 2018 - 12:57am
If LaVey had been a rebel, he would not have questioned if Satan is all bad, but if Jesus is all good.
Michael B. Added Jan 12, 2018 - 9:14am
Very true!
Leroy Added Jan 12, 2018 - 10:32am
ā€œIā€™d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun.ā€
--Billy Joel
Stone-Eater Friedli Added Jan 12, 2018 - 3:34pm
I love it. May Aleister Crowley get a memorial in the Vatican :-)
Stone-Eater Friedli Added Jan 12, 2018 - 3:36pm
Right. The sinners are at least HUMAN LOL
Leroy Added Jan 12, 2018 - 10:19pm
Stoney, my Aunt asked me if I went to church every Sunday, to which I answered, "No."  She told me I was going to Hell.  I quoted Billy Joel.  She said I was going straight to Hell.  I told her I preferred to go non-stop. I figure I will be in good company.
Benjamin Goldstein Added Jan 13, 2018 - 2:48am
Leroy, you will meet Hillary Clinton, Hitler and Stalin. I prefer to go to heaven and see all my friends bin Laden, Jimmy Carter, Pope Frances....Do they take double reservations?
John Minehan Added Jan 13, 2018 - 8:59am
Looks like he took after the Romantic Period convention of Satan in Paradise Lost as Anti-hero (with a bit of Ayn Rand thrown in for good measure).
Leroy Added Jan 13, 2018 - 9:06am
Benjamin, I suspect I will be in good company, including many here on OB and many religious leaders and politicians.  Maybe O and I will have a beer together.
Even A Broken Clock Added Jan 13, 2018 - 11:21am
Michael, in one of my last attempts at writing an extended work, I was redoing the Inferno with Samuel Clemens as my guide (instead of Virgil). What that attempt showed me is that the concept of Satan is always adaptable to the times. What was viewed as being utterly evil at one time in history, was viewed as morally necessary in another. My best example of that is for hunter/gatherer tribes to be involved in stealing women from each other. Our current lens cannot see this as being anything but evil, but viewed from the perspective of the past, bringing new genetic traits into an isolated population was necessary to prevent inbreeding. The genes were driving the behavior. Was it immoral for those tribes to engage in that type of warfare? You tell me.
Benjamin Goldstein Added Jan 13, 2018 - 5:32pm
EABC: Interesting view on the time stability of morals. Reminds me of ... oh my current article:
Michael B. Added Jan 14, 2018 - 12:19am
@ Leroy - See what I mean? lol
Michael B. Added Jan 14, 2018 - 12:20am
@ Stone - I'd rather see a pornographic version of the Sistine Chapel, with Crowley shooting a thick load of cum into Mary's mouth, while the Wise Men watched, lol.
Michael B. Added Jan 14, 2018 - 12:20am
@ John M. - John, an astute observation, as usual. However, Ayn Rand comes very indirectly from the lyrics of Neil Peart; "Freewill" says it all, lol.
Michael B. Added Jan 14, 2018 - 12:20am
@ EABC - I guess we can call it "relative evil." It's the same logic I've applied when "speaking" with nutty Xtians who say that because remote South Pacific Islanders never even heard of JC, they're by default on the fast track to the infernal regions.
James Travil Added Feb 18, 2018 - 1:57am
Decent and surprising article Mr. B. I would say that Rule #8 must be taken with consideration for the Church's adamant stance against illegal activity. And using common sense of course.