…..Good evening, and welcome to this edition of White Line. Tonight our field correspondent, Gaylord Plenty, will provide us with a glimpse inside of the dark and loathsome underbelly of…
TRUMP’S AMERICA: UNDER SIEGE, DAY 419
Good evening Dick, I am Gaylord Plenty, reporting to you now from Possum Holler, MS. Dick, behind us is a remote trailer park, the sort favored by methamphetamine manufacturers across the southern US. We have obtained exclusive interview rights for a recorded one on one session with a known Trump voter, one Jethro “Mutt” Stumbo. Mr. Stumbo is a registered republican and according to tax returns last year compiled a net income just under $19,000 as the sole proprietor of a worm meal distributorship. Mr. Stumbo is also registered as having purchased numerous firearms of various types and caliber over the last 15 years. As we approach the residence our viewers at home may be wondering what that large pixellated space is in the center of their screens. Our decency standards oblige us to censor this image as Mr. Stumbo has prominently displayed the confederate flag on the side of his trailer….
That was the last thing I heard before switching off the television at 3:27 AM, EDT. It was now Friday, the 16th day of March in the year 2018. It was a rebroadcast from the previous evening’s airing. It seems curious with these networks, doesn’t it? They all have so many people with so much to say about so many things, at any time: how is it they are unable to fill air time in those overnight hours with anything other than day old reruns? Is it a money thing I wonder? Maybe they’re not being paid enough?
The significance of the date was many foiled. The date of the broadcast, March 15: the Ides of March. The 419th day of captivity, which means then that Friday, the 16th day of March would be? Day 420. I wonder…. Could it be? Is there a connection? Spongebob Squarepants, Season 4, Episode 20. Title? Best Day Ever. Hmm. Something doesn’t smell right. These numbers keep recurring. I started peering anxiously around dark corners, looking for Rod Serling in every shadow. In the overnight hours there had been some massive seismic shift beneath the earth’s crust, yet somehow everything above ground had remained completely intact.
Yes, while those of us consumed with the trivial, the banal, the excruciating monotony of life in the 21st century; while we blithely went on with our individual miseries, a universal hippie cabal was galvanized to action. No Wagner blaring, instead quietly, deliberately they moved in unison to a Grateful Dead soundtrack. Stealthily they crept in our midst, disdained as the unwashed, society’s new lepers. But there were others who passed us by as well. They traveled behind the guise of legitimacy. Doctors, lawyers, real estate agents, your hairdresser and two of her grandmothers, all of them answered the call to arms with clay pipes and glass beakers. It would seem that all these sick freaks know something the rest of us have missed in our preoccupation with sports, politics and toenail fungus.
I chronicled a short time ago a damning expose of the insidious Bell & Howell Corporation. Upon further investigation, I fear, this evil’s tendrils are wrapped much tighter about our institutions than originally suspected. I have it on sound authority (from inside sources who must remain nameless) that some of those broadcasts are in fact encrypted messages for the Emergency Stoner Alert System. Only those wearing the Bell & Howell HD sunglasses and dosed with the right amount of THC can actually see these alerts. Last Sunday, the first day of daylight savings time, an alert was broadcast over this system. I have been fortunate enough to obtain a transcript of that alert, which has been reproduced below:
ALERT…..THIS IS AN ALERT FROM THE EMERGENCY STONER ALERT SYSTEM…...ALERT
Please stand by for further instructions………………
ALERT: The Emergency Stoner Alert System announces that this Friday, March 16 will mark the 420th day of the Donald Trump presidency. Our nation has been plunged into divisive times. Whether you view this date as a cause for celebration, or if you mark it as the 420th day of captivity, we appeal to the Stoner’s Creed and ask that you, if but for one day, put aside partisan rancor. We ask that at sundown on Friday, March 16 you all raise your bowls in unison and celebrate that we are all still free to partake of this gift of nature. #pot4prez
That is all. Peace, out!
You have been warned. If you smell something this evening, should you find some unfamiliar bustle in your hedgerow, please, don’t get alarmed. You’ll find they are quite harmless. In fact, you just may know some of them. Don’t look for the May Queen, but know there is still time to change the road you’re on.