On-Line Dating and Psycho Babble

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The miracle of on-line dating has finally hit me! Exploring various sites in search of a temporary cum-catcher has been an enlightening experience to say the least. The old joke that good women are like parking spots in that they're all taken up, but the retarded and handicapped ones are wide open is still valid. To be totally fair, I'm sure the exact same sentiments are expressed toward people like me. Anyway, here's a glossary of on-line dating terms that proved to be very helpful:

 

40-ish = 49.


Adventurous = Slept with everyone; slut, male or female.


Athletic = No boobs; flat-chested.


Average looking = Ugly, or at least not pretty or handsome.


Beautiful = Pathological liar; at best, an NTU; Not Too Ugly, meaning Not Too Ugly to fuck.


Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills; much happier than they should be.


Emotionally Secure = On medication, or a complete sociopath.


Feminist = Hates men, yet still not a lesbian.


Free Spirit = Flighty, probably with the attention span of a butterfly; kind of dumb.


Friendship first = Former very “friendly” person; former male/female slut.


Fun = Annoying, and probably not self-funded.


New Age = Body hair in the wrong places; weird in ways you probably won't like.


Open Minded = Desperate.


Outgoing = Loud and embarrassing; chances of meeting someone they had sex with multiple times are very high.


Passionate = Sloppy drunk; drama king or drama queen; petulant and easily hurt.


Professional = Bitch or dick; all they'll do is talk about their work.


Voluptuous = Fat woman.


Large Frame = Fat man.


Needs soul mate = Stalker; probably has had at least one or two restraining orders put on them.

 

My choices overall were either women who are definitely on the chunky side and not very good looking with 3.8 kids, or childless 42 year-old adrenaline junkies, with this one being the epitome of them all. Photo 1 is her skydiving. Photo 2 was apparently taken at the base camp of Mount Everest. Photo 3 is her on a 250 MPH-looking motorcycle. Photo 4 is her at the Great Wall of China. Photo 5 is her driving her slick-ass BMW. Gawd, no fucking wonder you're still single! You're too fucking expensive and annoying! I can hear it now: Her: "Wanna go climb El Capitan today?" Me: "No, I want to fuck you, have breakfast, get stoned, and then fuck you again."

 

I rolled the dice on a fairly bodacious brown-haired and brown-eyed "medical professional" woman who seemed nice and pretty enough. Thinking she was a nurse, little did I know that she was clinical psychologist; she asked me if I had a problem with that, which kicked off one of the weirdest relationships I've ever had. She wanted to eventually become a marriage and family counselor. She was childless and unable to have children, was never married, and as events turned out, she was quite a slut; not very solid qualifications for a marriage and family counselor in my opinion, but who the fuck am I, huh?

 

From what I've experienced, if someone has mental health problems, the LAST person they should see is a psychiatrist and/or a psychologist. They're every bit as nutty and neurotic as the people they're ostensibly trying to help, and often even more insane, or at least un-sane. Someone described them as being cult leaders in a two-person cult, which sounds about right. My favorite story involved a female psychiatrist who had multiple drug-fueled sex marathons with one of her patients, who wound up killing himself because of her. Their professional journal, named Therapist, could use a space between the "e" and the "r" to turn it into The rapist. Go Shrinks!

 

Our first date mostly consisted of her giving her brother emergency therapy sessions over the phone. Apparently, her brother's new girlfriend wasn't as kinky as her predecessor, and he didn't know how to make her come around, pun intended. I calmly told her that maybe tonight's the wrong night for a date, but she got it and turned her fucking phone off. Then she got around to the usual interrogations ("Is there anything I need to know about you?") and I got the impression of being more of a guinea pig than a date. Apparently I passed the test, because I took her home and fucked her not long afterward. She was an unremarkable lay, which was unexpected. Nutty chicks have a well-earned reputation for unrestricted sex, but not this one. I should have left it as a one-night stand, but I went for more.

 

The end came when she insisted that we both go to HER psychiatrist. Her intention was for her and her fellow quack to show me how fucked up I was, but the total opposite happened! The fat Jewish woman and I hammered away at her so much that she literally scooted her chair back about four feet from where she started, from sheer agitation. The next morning, I got a lengthy e-mail from her breaking off the "relationship", which I was done with anyway. Her message was probably the foundation of a white paper, which probably would have impressed another would-be head shrinker except for one main problem; everything she stated was absolutely WRONG.

Comments

Dino Manalis Added Jul 28, 2018 - 4:02pm
 Be careful because some could be criminals who seek victims!
Leroy Added Jul 28, 2018 - 10:51pm
You nailed it, Michael!  
 
I did the online dating thing a number of years ago.  I dated one chick who was a professional at playing the game.  She was everything I didn't won't but intrigued me.  Her first comment when we met was, "This is the first.  You are as tall as you said you were. Most men like."  I carried on an online relationship with a crazy Tassie for a while.  She worked for a politian.  I look her up now and then to see what mischief she has gotten herself in, always in the middle of a political scandal downunder.  I had old women offer me luxery cars.  I made it clear I was looking for a woman younger than myself.  A career military woman approached me.  She was five years older.  I tried to politely to turn her down by making a joke about being her arm candy.  The woman had no sense of humor.  I'm glad I never gave her my address.
 
I never dated a psychiatrist or psychologist, but the wife of my first boss was one.  She was nuttier than a fruitcake.
James Travil Added Jul 29, 2018 - 12:54am
I never messed with the online dating thing. A little over a decade ago I found out from my daughter that her best friend had a crush on me. She is a stone cold mega-hottie into older men! So we hooked up, and to my pleasant surprise another friend of her's (a crazy Russian contortionist) was into us both! So the three of us became a thing. Long story short we're still rocking the good life, all three of us and the five kids we have between us!
John Minehan Added Jul 29, 2018 - 7:24am
"Long story short we're still rocking the good life, all three of us and the five kids we have between us!"
 
I hope that means "among us" as opposed to describing physical proximity.   

 
John Minehan Added Jul 29, 2018 - 7:25am
If it is the latter, that is illegal in all 50 states . . . .
Michael B. Added Jul 29, 2018 - 8:03am
@ Dino - Yes, there are definitely some riff-raffs out there, that's why I avoided the sites from Russia and other third-world shitholes full of tramps and whores who will clean you out and use you as a launching pad for Anywhere Else, USA...wait a moment, they all will do that, lol.
Michael B. Added Jul 29, 2018 - 8:03am
@ Leroy - You've gone through it too, I see, lol! Yes, we all lie...most men lie...riiiiiight. At a job in the mid-90's, there was a woman who was often describing herself to on-line suitors as looking like Elle McPherson, when she looked more like Mr. Ed with long blond hair.
Michael B. Added Jul 29, 2018 - 8:03am
@ James T. - The family that lays together stays together, lol. Wow, that sounds intense...good for you, dude! I think that John M. may have a valid point though, lol.
Stephen Hunter Added Jul 29, 2018 - 9:30am
Michael, thanks for the online dating experience wrapped up in one article! Well done!
Michael B. Added Jul 29, 2018 - 9:55am
Thanks Stephen! This whole thing continues to take interesting and amusing turns. I got a message yesterday from a woman who believes that men are like earrings in that they should "cum" in pairs. I'm pervy for sure, but not THAT pervy, lol.
Leroy Added Jul 29, 2018 - 11:57am
"Yes, we all lie...most men lie...riiiiiight."
 
Most women too.  The first Chinese woman I communicated with must have been twenty years older than the pictures she sent.  Chinese women look younger than they are until they hit menopause, then they spoil rapidly.  But, she lied.  She was five years older than she told me.  In person, the woman clearly had no eyebrows, only two red lines.  She had surgery to make them more Western.  The hair fell out.  Many Chinese women you meet are quick to tell you how beautiful they are.  Most are of the opinion that Westerns pick the ugliest ones, themselves excluded...lol
 
But, then again, my wife says all Chinese women automatically lie about their age.  My wife did as well, telling me that she was older than she was.
Michael B. Added Jul 29, 2018 - 12:44pm
Leroy, that's something I never will understand. Why would someone mislead someone else about their appearance that they actually intend to meet, and ideally to fuck? I heard Mrs. Ed actually got verbally abused and physically attacked when one of her would-be beaus discovered that he wasn't about to enter the lovely Ms. McPherson, lol.
 
I like Asian women, but I can't say I have a case of Yellow Fever, lol. Women from South Asia are the ugliest fucking troglodytes in the world as far as I'm concerned.
James Travil Added Jul 29, 2018 - 2:00pm
Mr. Minehan, obviously I wasn't talking about having sex with my kids. OBVIOUSLY. Dumbass. I figure truly depraved people see in others their own twisted fantasys. 
Michael B. Added Jul 29, 2018 - 6:08pm
@ James T. - I gotta stick up for John M. here - for being a graduate of VMI and a former Army officer, he's a pretty cool dude, cooler than most by a long shot, lol.
John Minehan Added Jul 29, 2018 - 6:18pm
"Mr. Minehan, obviously I wasn't talking about having sex with my kids. OBVIOUSLY. Dumbass. I figure truly depraved people see in others their own twisted fantasys."
 
I just thought it was bad syntax, actually.  
Michael B. Added Jul 29, 2018 - 10:07pm
I also thought it was something like that, lol.
James E. Unekis Added Jul 30, 2018 - 2:30am
Somebody, here on WB said that their grandfather told them:
If it flies, floats or fxcks , REN IT !!!
 
Best advice I have ever heard.
Michael B. Added Jul 30, 2018 - 9:02am
That would be from the great Captain Gilbert.
James E. Unekis Added Jul 30, 2018 - 11:21am
Thanks Captain.  I could have used this advice about 40 years ago.
Michael B. Added Jul 30, 2018 - 9:40pm
Better late than never, lol!