The miracle of on-line dating has finally hit me! Exploring various sites in search of a temporary cum-catcher has been an enlightening experience to say the least. The old joke that good women are like parking spots in that they're all taken up, but the retarded and handicapped ones are wide open is still valid. To be totally fair, I'm sure the exact same sentiments are expressed toward people like me. Anyway, here's a glossary of on-line dating terms that proved to be very helpful:
40-ish = 49.
Adventurous = Slept with everyone; slut, male or female.
Athletic = No boobs; flat-chested.
Average looking = Ugly, or at least not pretty or handsome.
Beautiful = Pathological liar; at best, an NTU; Not Too Ugly, meaning Not Too Ugly to fuck.
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills; much happier than they should be.
Emotionally Secure = On medication, or a complete sociopath.
Feminist = Hates men, yet still not a lesbian.
Free Spirit = Flighty, probably with the attention span of a butterfly; kind of dumb.
Friendship first = Former very “friendly” person; former male/female slut.
Fun = Annoying, and probably not self-funded.
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places; weird in ways you probably won't like.
Open Minded = Desperate.
Outgoing = Loud and embarrassing; chances of meeting someone they had sex with multiple times are very high.
Passionate = Sloppy drunk; drama king or drama queen; petulant and easily hurt.
Professional = Bitch or dick; all they'll do is talk about their work.
Voluptuous = Fat woman.
Large Frame = Fat man.
Needs soul mate = Stalker; probably has had at least one or two restraining orders put on them.
My choices overall were either women who are definitely on the chunky side and not very good looking with 3.8 kids, or childless 42 year-old adrenaline junkies, with this one being the epitome of them all. Photo 1 is her skydiving. Photo 2 was apparently taken at the base camp of Mount Everest. Photo 3 is her on a 250 MPH-looking motorcycle. Photo 4 is her at the Great Wall of China. Photo 5 is her driving her slick-ass BMW. Gawd, no fucking wonder you're still single! You're too fucking expensive and annoying! I can hear it now: Her: "Wanna go climb El Capitan today?" Me: "No, I want to fuck you, have breakfast, get stoned, and then fuck you again."
I rolled the dice on a fairly bodacious brown-haired and brown-eyed "medical professional" woman who seemed nice and pretty enough. Thinking she was a nurse, little did I know that she was clinical psychologist; she asked me if I had a problem with that, which kicked off one of the weirdest relationships I've ever had. She wanted to eventually become a marriage and family counselor. She was childless and unable to have children, was never married, and as events turned out, she was quite a slut; not very solid qualifications for a marriage and family counselor in my opinion, but who the fuck am I, huh?
From what I've experienced, if someone has mental health problems, the LAST person they should see is a psychiatrist and/or a psychologist. They're every bit as nutty and neurotic as the people they're ostensibly trying to help, and often even more insane, or at least un-sane. Someone described them as being cult leaders in a two-person cult, which sounds about right. My favorite story involved a female psychiatrist who had multiple drug-fueled sex marathons with one of her patients, who wound up killing himself because of her. Their professional journal, named Therapist, could use a space between the "e" and the "r" to turn it into The rapist. Go Shrinks!
Our first date mostly consisted of her giving her brother emergency therapy sessions over the phone. Apparently, her brother's new girlfriend wasn't as kinky as her predecessor, and he didn't know how to make her come around, pun intended. I calmly told her that maybe tonight's the wrong night for a date, but she got it and turned her fucking phone off. Then she got around to the usual interrogations ("Is there anything I need to know about you?") and I got the impression of being more of a guinea pig than a date. Apparently I passed the test, because I took her home and fucked her not long afterward. She was an unremarkable lay, which was unexpected. Nutty chicks have a well-earned reputation for unrestricted sex, but not this one. I should have left it as a one-night stand, but I went for more.
The end came when she insisted that we both go to HER psychiatrist. Her intention was for her and her fellow quack to show me how fucked up I was, but the total opposite happened! The fat Jewish woman and I hammered away at her so much that she literally scooted her chair back about four feet from where she started, from sheer agitation. The next morning, I got a lengthy e-mail from her breaking off the "relationship", which I was done with anyway. Her message was probably the foundation of a white paper, which probably would have impressed another would-be head shrinker except for one main problem; everything she stated was absolutely WRONG.