My Religion Is Best!

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Everyone's religion matters.

 

It doesn't matter if you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu or Buddhist you are all equal under the eyes of The Great One.  If you "believe" in your chosen deity then that is your right and The Great One supports you in it.  I say this without reservation because, for example, The Great One doesn't sanction or approve of any type of discrimination, forced conversion or holy wars.    

 

You can "believe" as you choose, but some of us lucky ones "KNOW" our deity actually exists because The Great One is the only religious deity that has every been scientifically observed.  That The Great One existences is a proven fact and can be accepted without the need of "faith".   

 

How can you then not acknowledge that a deity, who physically interacts in everyone's daily life, is not better than ones who have never been proven to exist?

 

Oh, of course, being better than other religions has cause a lot of hate to be directed at us by believers of second class religions, but we're are not scared because the fact that The Great One has bigger balls than any of the other "faith based" deities has been proven with hard science.

 

Sadly, the hate grows even stronger when as they learn more about our religion.  They get upset when we educate them about things like the fact that humans evolved from Pirates.  Many “religious experts” would have us believe humans evolved from Adam and Eve, but seeing as how Eve was part of Adam we consider this to be masturbation which has factually been proven not to bring forth children.  Then again, many “science experts” would have us believe humans evolved from primates, pointing towards the 99% shared DNA between humans and primates, but humans and Pirates share upwards of 99.999% of DNA.  Take THAT 2nd class religions!

 

It becomes even worse when we teach them the truth about the afterlife.  They have a very difficult time throwing off their made up religious beliefs to accept that the afterlife contains things such as a Beer Volcano and Stripper Factory.  More fools them; that just leaves more for the followers of The Great One.

 

The Great One doesn't require forced conversions, however, evangelism is a traditional religious practice and spreading the Good Word of the Great One is encouraged.  Because The Great One is a factual deity, he is always available to meet his future followers and to participate in things such as parades, award dinners, family gatherings or civic functions.

 

In fact, we are often assisted in our evangelism by members of 2nd class religions.

 

So, all hail the Flying Spaghetti Monster!

 

Join us and become a fellow Pirate-ical follower of The Great One! 

 

Forever be able to look down your nose at those other silly "believers" who live in fear of "going to hell" for acts and thoughts that we revere! 

 

Reveille in the fact that, on a daily basis, our deity is immersed in hot water to boil away all of our sins and that you are always welcome to join the devout in Pastafarian Heaven.

 

Hail, FSM!  May His saucy balls remain plump and juicy and may the followers of 2nd class religions find enlightenment within the loving embrace of His Noodly Appendages!

 

Sincerely,

 

Liberal1

Your friendly Pastafarian minister

Comments

Liberal1 Added Oct 30, 2018 - 11:32am
I forgot to mention that if you join the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster within the next 20 minutes you will receive not just one colander for $19.99, but also get a second one FREE!
Troll Hunter Added Oct 30, 2018 - 12:06pm
The Flying Spaghetti Monster covers all her little meatballs in a marinara sauce of love.  May her noodly appendages fulfill all of us for eternity, Ramen...
Ken Added Oct 30, 2018 - 12:32pm
If you are going to plagiarize the original time this came out years ago, don't you think you should credit the original author?
Liberal1 Added Oct 30, 2018 - 12:36pm
Ken, a.) If I knew it was here "years ago" I would have.   b.) Provide a link to the original posting so that I have a damn idea about what you are talking about (which will make one of us)   c.)  Fuck you and your mom's basement for making a claim of plagiarism without knowing a fucking thing about the actual facts.
Troll Hunter Added Oct 30, 2018 - 12:45pm
Ken believes in a god who kills kids and tortures people for eternity.
Ken should switch to my God, who is pure Love, and She doesn't torture and kill kids...
opher goodwin Added Oct 30, 2018 - 12:48pm
Religion is a tangled, sticky web. Sometimes it is covered with all manner of shit. It is usually just a jumbled mass that's been in the pan too long. It was written with a penne that has many layers but they are all the same.
Bill H. Added Oct 30, 2018 - 1:12pm
 
I attended multiple churches when I was young. Methodist, Baptist, and Presbyterian depending on where my father who was in the Air Force was stationed. I do remember back then they all preached a good message of love for all and the Earth. It seems many religions have now migrated to sects of partisan politics and messages of hate. We have at least several examples here on WB. One professes to be a god-fearing person while at the same time promoting violence toward Jews and others.
I find that to be as hypocritical as Trump reading a scripted message of unification in the morning and then resorting to his usual rhetoric of hate, fear, and division at a "rally" in the afternoon.
Dino Manalis Added Oct 30, 2018 - 1:26pm
 Religion gives us hope and endurance!
Leroy Added Oct 30, 2018 - 1:37pm
"They get upset when we educate them about things like the fact that humans evolved from Pirates."
 
Arhhh!  Well, shiver me timbers.
Gerrilea Added Oct 30, 2018 - 1:37pm
Bill H--- I'm disappointed in you, sadly.  I thought you understood what & why religion was created for--as the opiate of the masses. 
 
The "followers" of any political leader want to be preached to.  They need the reassurances their leader will bring about a better "afterlife".
 
"Don't worry your pretty little head about how we rule or get lost in mundane historical facts, I'm here to save you from the world we created...err...was created by my evil opponent!"  "Look here, scripture says it is so!"

 
That said, they all play that game, even the great savior, Obama...cough, cough, cough.
 
 
Liberal1 Added Oct 30, 2018 - 2:37pm
Gerrilea, In Pastafarian Heaven you can all of the opiates, for the masses or otherwise, you'd like!  I'd personally go more for the beer volcano (which doesn't add to climate change, btw) myself.  It seems to go better with the magical beer nut and popcorn trees, in my opinion.  (though I've heard one of those 2nd rate, copycat churches is now providing beer during the services.)
Even A Broken Clock Added Oct 30, 2018 - 3:06pm
And now we will all join together in hymn 242, "On top of Spaghetti" .....
opher goodwin Added Oct 30, 2018 - 3:09pm
Sure covered in cheese!!!
Bill H. Added Oct 30, 2018 - 3:42pm
 
Girrilea-
As I grew older and wiser, I did finally discover that religions were in fact "the opiate of the masses".
Stone-Eater Added Oct 30, 2018 - 4:03pm
I believe in Fnölt. Although I don't know if it exists or not, my dreams and inner ear tell me it does.
 
WHERE ARE MY MEDS; GODDAMIT !!!!
Jeff Michka Added Oct 30, 2018 - 6:20pm
Funny. but Xtains here talk all about Geezus, but hate everything Geezus supposedly loved.   And seems WB rightists do dislike people that not only find "their gawd" a non-existent sky guy, but a linchpin of their hypocrisy.
opher goodwin Added Oct 30, 2018 - 7:22pm
Always remember, whatever the sauce, my god is better than yours!
opher goodwin Added Oct 30, 2018 - 7:22pm
He's the big cheese!
James Travil Added Oct 30, 2018 - 7:46pm
Not my deity (I have none) but thumbs up anyhow if it pisses off the second class religion people! 
Marty Koval Added Oct 30, 2018 - 8:09pm
Mankind for eons has been worshiping many false gods that are too numerous to mentioned in this post. None of these gods can make the promise that a true and dedicated believer will have eternal life.  There is only one true God, which the Bible explicitly states in numerous  scriptures that is stated in the various Bible books in both the Old and New Testament.  Shown below are some of these scriptures:
 
Deuteronomy 4:35 - 35 You were shown these things so that you might know that the Lord is God; besides him there is no other.
 
1 Kings 8:60 - 60 so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the Lord is God and that there is no other.
 
2 Kings 19:15 - 15 And Hezekiah prayed to the Lord: “Lord, the God of Israel, enthroned between the cherubim, you alone are God over all the kingdoms of the earth. You have made heaven and earth.
 
1 chronicles 17:20 - 20 “There is no one like you, Lord, and there is no God but you, as we have heard with our own ears.
 
Psalms 86:10 - 10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds;  you alone are God.
 
Isaiah 43:10-11 - 10 “You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me. 11 I, even I, am the Lord, and apart from me there is no savior.
 
Isaiah 46:9 - Remember the former things, those of long ago; I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me.
 
Mark 12:29-30 - 29 “The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’
 
John 17:3 - Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.
 
Ephesians 4:6 - one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
 
1 Timothy 2:5 - For there is one God and one mediator between God and mankind, the man Christ Jesus,
 
James 2:19 - 19 You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.
 
The one and only God gives every person the free will to choose whoever they want to worship and follow. It is your choice. For me and my family we choose the worship the one and only true God that is in the Bible.
Leroy Added Oct 30, 2018 - 8:43pm
I don't think being evolved from pirates contradicts any religion.
Liberal1 Added Oct 30, 2018 - 8:48pm
 That list making looks like fun, Marty!  Let me give it a whirl!
 
Top Ten Signs You’re a Fundamentalist Christian
 
10 – You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.
 
9 – You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.
 
– You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.
 
7 – Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and trees!
 
6 – You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
 
5 – You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.
 
4 – You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects – will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering.  And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.”
 
3 – While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.
 
2 – You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers.  You consider that to be evidence that prayer works.  And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.
 
1 – You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history – but still call yourself a Christian.
 
I personally am disappointed that they left out Judges 11 where Jephthah burnt his daughter to death because she was the first one out to greet him after he lead the slaughter of thousands, but The Great Spaghetti Monster has taught us to be understanding and tolerant of others.
 
BTW, Marty, did you know that they have a Strip Club up in Pastafarian Heaven and everyone is welcome?  That beats the shit out of getting past St. Pete just so you can play the harp in your pajamas.
Cullen Kehoe Added Oct 30, 2018 - 9:02pm
It took the author some degree of time and effort to post this...basically a decade old joke.
 
I would think the sentiment could have been expressed in a sentence or two ('I think religions are stupid'). The author is free to feel that way of course. 
James Travil Added Oct 30, 2018 - 9:55pm
I for one do not think that religion is stupid just Biblegod and it's religions. 
Katharine Otto Added Oct 30, 2018 - 11:01pm
Liberal1,
I've never seen the Flying Spaghetti Monster, so how do I know she exists? 
Troll Hunter Added Oct 30, 2018 - 11:29pm
Katharine Otto:
Prove She does not exist.
Check, and incidentally, mate, my good woman...
Liberal1 Added Oct 30, 2018 - 11:54pm
Katharine Otto, if you go to any reputable Italian restaurant and read the good book, aka The Menu, you will see Her amazing variations.  Once you select one, for a nominal charge, She will appear right at your table.  I recommend the Shrimp Scampi With Blessed Linguini, myself.
 
James Travil Added Oct 31, 2018 - 12:12am
I was thinking about the hypocrisy of this
"It took the author some degree of time and effort to post this...basically a decade old joke."
And it occurred to me, what could be worse, maybe the enormous amount of time and effort (the Bible) used to push a two millennial old joke? 
Neil Lock Added Oct 31, 2018 - 4:15am
Liberal1 and Ken: As far as I'm aware, the first mention of the FSM was here: https://www.venganza.org/about/open-letter/. And yes, it was about 10 years ago.
 
Opher: No cheese for me, please. I'll have my spaghetti with carbonara dioxide - and lots of it!
 
 
Stone-Eater Added Oct 31, 2018 - 5:51am
Liberal1
 
Good comments, really. Let's eat some Chinese Konfuzius noodles :-)
opher goodwin Added Oct 31, 2018 - 6:31am
Neil - spaghetti without the big cheese is blasphemy!!
Stone-Eater Added Oct 31, 2018 - 6:39am
Oph
 
Cheese fucks up the sauce. Tztz, Brits :))
opher goodwin Added Oct 31, 2018 - 6:51am
Stone - I like the smelliest there is!!
Liberal1 Added Oct 31, 2018 - 8:15am
Neil Lock, ...and?  Kenny boy apparently believes that using that we site or even mentioning the FSM is plagiarism.  I "believe" that Kenny is a troll who doesn't understand what plagiarism even is.   Using his definition I could accuse everyone who ever mentions God, Buddha, Allah, Yahweh, etc. and writes anything about them or the bible of plagiarism.  
 
I'd also point out that everyone is "encouraged" to spread the "word".  
https://www.venganza.org/join/
 
So like I said, Kenny Boy is just being a troll and apparently has even less of a sense of humor than even Marty does.  Not a big surprise about that.
Ward Tipton Added Oct 31, 2018 - 8:29am
I never did follow religion ... too easy for dogma to get run over by karma and tenets to get lost in the teachings of the traditions of men. 
 
I will however, retain my faith in God. 
Stone-Eater Added Oct 31, 2018 - 12:41pm
Oph
 
Get your nose examined. You might find out that you got none LOL
Stone-Eater Added Oct 31, 2018 - 12:42pm
L1
 
I've noticed that Ultras of any sort never have humor. They're too stiff for that LOL
opher goodwin Added Oct 31, 2018 - 1:07pm
Stone - you can't beat the big cheese!! I've got a nose for it! Cheese is alive - it's got veins!
Stone-Eater Added Oct 31, 2018 - 2:09pm
Oph
 
Are you liking the smell of socks being worn for 4 weeks ? Yes ? If so, I understand why you like cheese :-)
James Travil Added Oct 31, 2018 - 7:30pm
If I didn't have my own religion I would consider joining the Blue Oyster Cult. Just saying. 
Ward Tipton Added Oct 31, 2018 - 9:46pm
Can we look at the obverse here as well? 
 
We know about Scientific or more accurately, "Statistical Impossibilities" wherein something is not necessarily impossible, but the mathematical odds against such an occurrence make it a "Statistically Impossible" event. 
 
We know that primordial ooze, under the proper atmospheric conditions, will have the capacity to generate a single-celled organism. However, we also know that the same atmospheric conditions necessary to create such life will kill it in the very instant it is formed. 
 
Thus, for everything to have evolved from nothing as is proposed by the "fundamentalists" on the other side of the equation, they would have us believe that not only were the atmospheric conditions just right to form the single celled organisms ... but that the entire atmosphere changed at the exact moment those single celled life forms were created, becoming an entirely different atmosphere with an entirely different chemical makeup at the exact instant that the single celled life forms were created ... not only changed, but with an atmospheric change so intense that the single celled organisms not only survived, but thrived and evolved. 
 
Both are well within the realm of statistical improbabilities, and despite the ability to quantify a negative, the negative aspect of anything cannot be proven scientifically or mathematically. 
 
Thus, all are faith based systems by nature ... primarily due to our inability to fully ascertain the absolute truth in any of these matters. 
 
Now where were we back in the "he said/she said"? ... 
Liberal1 Added Nov 1, 2018 - 8:48am
Ward Tipton, "Scientists" guess about the "primordial ooze" and "Fundamentalists" guess about "the Blood of Christ", but the follows factually KNOW the FSM is real because we have watched HIM boil away our sins and share the sauce of salvation with us.   There is no he said/she said with us other than an occasional theological discussion about to add cheese or not.
Ward Tipton Added Nov 1, 2018 - 8:57am
As long as it is not an overly ambitious brimstone like layer of feta cheese, I am good with that ... but I dunno about everyone else, but when the "pasketti" starts flying at my house, you do not want to be anywhere near the kitchen or the dining room!

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