Yes, the world and the people who populate it can be a little on the nutty side and seem to be getting nuttier and nuttier, but most of them we can ignore one way or the other. However, the ones at work are a little more difficult to escape from, or forced to escape from you. Either way, if you work it right, they're usually good for a laugh. I imagine that I'm on a couple of lists as well, but that's OK, as it would be a pointed insult NOT to include me. Here are some of my favorites, which I’ll try to break down to the proper category, but no bosses, as they will be covered separately in another post…maybe.
A dull, laconic woman who always dressed in black and never talked much who turned out to be a former porn actress and current Twelve-Stepper. A porn addict co-worker showed me the pictures - it was her, all right.
A very attractive woman, one of the highers-up actually, who worked as a facilities and supply chain manager by day and as a dominatrix by night. I thought it was a rumor, but it persisted and came from a wide and diverse array of sources. For reasons I cannot explain, she definitely looked the part.
The MILF who took me out to lunch one day and essentially demanded that we have a straight-up sexual relationship with no other complications. It started out good, but wound up being bad after about three months; I was actually getting tired of her, and, contrary to the original agreement, she wanted more and more. It was great while it lasted.
A woman who looked like a member of the Manson Family, who, appropriately enough, corresponded with Death Row inmates and eventually wound up marrying one. Her side kick was cute but weird little blond chick whose father was the CEO of a major corporation, whose job was apparently to walk around the building all day long. She avoided me like the plague, and one day I asked someone why she found me so utterly repulsive. The answer was "She's had a raging crush on you from your first day." As usual, they have strange ways of showing it.
A psychotic Arab who shouldn’t have been allowed into the country on his looks alone (he looked like the raging, angry, I-want-to-behead-your-infidel-ass face of Middle Eastern terrorism), who, much like Mr. Hand in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, was convinced the whole world was on dope. He would roam the plant and halls inspecting people’s eyeballs for the slightest signs of intoxication. When he thought he had a hit, he would yell out loudly, “YOU’RE STONED!!!” For all I know, this asshole wound up being a suicide bomber somewhere.
The night shift lead who managed to turn it into his personal man-cave and harem. While others were toiling at the machines, he was watching TV and/or having sex with one of the women, while eating and drinking beer throughout. He managed to bang most of his female subordinates in a classic case of sexual harassment, but one night a new girl started who resisted his advances and squealed on him, not only to the management, but her husband as well, who showed up at the plant. An investigation and review of the security footage got Mr. Noche-Shift terminated with prejudice.
A woman who quickly earned the nickname “The Mexorcist”, because she looked like a Hispanic version of Linda Blair’s signature character. I always half-expected her to rotate her head 180 degrees and start telling me that my mother sucks cocks in hell. Ironically, she successfully sued some particularly stupid yuppie-larva asshole for…sexual harassment!
A surly, acerbic, and dikey Flip bitch who looked a lot like Kim Jong Un if he had a sex change. Her ugliness stood out in a group of people known for their ugliness. One time someone was looking for her and asked me where she was, as if it was my turn to watch her that day. I gave general directions, and described her as being a composite of various Dick Tracy villains, if Dick Tracy was made in the Philippines. The dude came back a short time later, telling me he had no problems finding her.
Speaking of Dick Tracy villain-like characters, an Indian asshole who could have been Ms. Kim’s brother. South Asians and Filipinos run neck-and-neck for the title of World’s Ugliest People as far as I’m concerned, and this moron was a champ for sure. He was as big of an asshole as he was an ugly motherfucker, constantly squealing and snitching on people for no apparent reasons. He also had a habit of never washing his hands, and usually smelled like shit. Thank goodness his dirty ass was finally canned.