Weird Yet Hilarious Co-Workers

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Yes, the world and the people who populate it can be a little on the nutty side and seem to be getting nuttier and nuttier, but most of them we can ignore one way or the other. However, the ones at work are a little more difficult to escape from, or forced to escape from you. Either way, if you work it right, they're usually good for a laugh. I imagine that I'm on a couple of lists as well, but that's OK, as it would be a pointed insult NOT to include me. Here are some of my favorites, which I’ll try to break down to the proper category, but no bosses, as they will be covered separately in another post…maybe.

 

The Good

 

A dull, laconic woman who always dressed in black and never talked much who turned out to be a former porn actress and current Twelve-Stepper. A porn addict co-worker showed me the pictures - it was her, all right.

 

A very attractive woman, one of the highers-up actually, who worked as a facilities and supply chain manager by day and as a dominatrix by night. I thought it was a rumor, but it persisted and came from a wide and diverse array of sources. For reasons I cannot explain, she definitely looked the part.

 

The MILF who took me out to lunch one day and essentially demanded that we have a straight-up sexual relationship with no other complications. It started out good, but wound up being bad after about three months; I was actually getting tired of her, and, contrary to the original agreement, she wanted more and more. It was great while it lasted.

 

The Bad

 

A woman who looked like a member of the Manson Family, who, appropriately enough, corresponded with Death Row inmates and eventually wound up marrying one. Her side kick was cute but weird little blond chick whose father was the CEO of a major corporation, whose job was apparently to walk around the building all day long. She avoided me like the plague, and one day I asked someone why she found me so utterly repulsive. The answer was "She's had a raging crush on you from your first day." As usual, they have strange ways of showing it.

 

A psychotic Arab who shouldn’t have been allowed into the country on his looks alone (he looked like the raging, angry, I-want-to-behead-your-infidel-ass face of Middle Eastern terrorism), who, much like Mr. Hand in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, was convinced the whole world was on dope. He would roam the plant and halls inspecting people’s eyeballs for the slightest signs of intoxication. When he thought he had a hit, he would yell out loudly, “YOU’RE STONED!!!” For all I know, this asshole wound up being a suicide bomber somewhere.

 

The night shift lead who managed to turn it into his personal man-cave and harem. While others were toiling at the machines, he was watching TV and/or having sex with one of the women, while eating and drinking beer throughout. He managed to bang most of his female subordinates in a classic case of sexual harassment, but one night a new girl started who resisted his advances and squealed on him, not only to the management, but her husband as well, who showed up at the plant. An investigation and review of the security footage got Mr. Noche-Shift terminated with prejudice.

 

The Ugly

 

A woman who quickly earned the nickname “The Mexorcist”, because she looked like a Hispanic version of Linda Blair’s signature character. I always half-expected her to rotate her head 180 degrees and start telling me that my mother sucks cocks in hell. Ironically, she successfully sued some particularly stupid yuppie-larva asshole for…sexual harassment!

 

A surly, acerbic, and dikey Flip bitch who looked a lot like Kim Jong Un if he had a sex change. Her ugliness stood out in a group of people known for their ugliness. One time someone was looking for her and asked me where she was, as if it was my turn to watch her that day. I gave general directions, and described her as being a composite of various Dick Tracy villains, if Dick Tracy was made in the Philippines. The dude came back a short time later, telling me he had no problems finding her.

 

Speaking of Dick Tracy villain-like characters, an Indian asshole who could have been Ms. Kim’s brother. South Asians and Filipinos run neck-and-neck for the title of World’s Ugliest People as far as I’m concerned, and this moron was a champ for sure. He was as big of an asshole as he was an ugly motherfucker, constantly squealing and snitching on people for no apparent reasons. He also had a habit of never washing his hands, and usually smelled like shit. Thank goodness his dirty ass was finally canned.

Comments

The Burghal Hidage Added Nov 3, 2018 - 4:41pm
So how long did you work for Walmart? Another fun ride, you sick fuck :)
FacePalm Added Nov 3, 2018 - 5:05pm
TBH-
Nah; sounds more like a factory job, maybe MAKING cheap shit for Wal-mart.
 
MichaelB-
Ever think of making up/inventing characters even worse?  Or, more in a story mode, including them as characters in a novel, making up backstories, e.g. "The guy was so screwed up his parents must've beaten him like an ugly redheaded stepchild every time he did something right," and so on.
Michael B. Added Nov 3, 2018 - 5:08pm
@ TBH - They were all much like Walmart in the way that it's sometimes hard to tell the difference between the employees and the customers. The local grocery store by me is like that; most of the people there are mentally-impaired, including me, as I keep going back, lol.
Michael B. Added Nov 3, 2018 - 5:08pm
@ FP - Fact is truly stranger than fiction, isn't it!
The Burghal Hidage Added Nov 3, 2018 - 7:00pm
I second Face's suggestion, bro....you should write some shit for South Park.  Remember Ms. Choksondik?  That dame is like right out of your catalogue.  Maybe even a calendar.....the daily spank bank or some such
 
Dude! WTF with the avatar? Venus in furs drag show?
James Travil Added Nov 3, 2018 - 7:09pm
I mostly just run into stupid fucks where I work. Don't get me wrong, they know how to do their job, or they wouldn't be working there, but when it comes to other real world things, not so much. Like this one crazy woman I work with who was complaining about the day of the week that the 4th of July fell on this year. Like I told her, it's on the 4th every year (!). But she responded, Yea but it's not always the same day of the week, a committee decides each year when the holidays will be. Huh, what committee? She wasn't certain but she was convinced that some committee in DC decided that kind of thing every year. Dumb as a bag of hair.
Oh and remember this guy who SWORE that The Blair Witch was a true story, because it's kinda sorta made out to be so. He said they wouldn't be allowed to suggest it was a true story if it wasn't. Like a fellow coworker, not so stupid, said, who exactly is going to stop them from making it look real, the Legion of Truth? Stupid people. 
Michael B. Added Nov 3, 2018 - 7:41pm
@ TBH - I just call 'em as I see 'em, dude. How's this for a frightening pictorial - "The Women of Writer Beat". AC, are you listening!!!! LOL
 
The avatar is from my favorite Poe story, "The Cask of Amontillado".
Michael B. Added Nov 3, 2018 - 7:41pm
@ James T. - Oh yes, I've had no shortage of those. A standout was a crazed Christian who was convinced the space program was a giant hoax. He was fired for vandalism and assault; after being taken to task for yet another 45-minute visit to the men's room, where he routinely drew detailed pictures of his thoughts toward his co-workers and people in general, he physically attacked his boss. I wonder how his Sunday confession session went that week, lol.
Leroy Added Nov 3, 2018 - 7:58pm
Funny!  Perhaps I'll make my own list, but it would be tamer. 
 
I suppose I work with a bunch of Puritans.  There was one guy that was charged with sexual harassment in the old days.  They moved him to another plant with the same results, so they sent him on an expat assignment to learn a secret process.  We were there together.  He's a nice guy but had a tendency to go berserk.  He returned to the US only to harass another woman.  Finally, they fired him.  He threatened to reveal all the secrets of the new process.  They hired him back and, to the best of my knowledge, still works there.  The only other sex I ever heard about was a high-level manager having sex on the desk of the big boss.  Nothing happened to him.   His wife was a devoted, stay at home mom.  She immediately filed for divorce.  I met her through a mutual friend one day.  She had just finished screwing the third man of the day and was proud of it and was going out to find the next victim.
Michael B. Added Nov 3, 2018 - 8:13pm
@ Leroy - Yes, they pretty much get away with murder when they know too much, or, more important, have some dirt on one or more of the highers-up. I've seen the Puritans in action too, my favorite being a tie between the alleged Christian bitch who skipped town after selling pies (she suckered $10 out of me, let that be a lesson, lol) and perpetrating other frauds, and the nice Christian guy who left a nasty note on a rape victim's desk, ironically another Christian woman, but a good one, essentially telling her that she was a whore and was going to rot in hell.
Leroy Added Nov 3, 2018 - 9:20pm
One of the stranger guys I worked with was a Christian Arab.  He didn't like the stigma of being called Arab and preferred to be called Phoenician.  I worked in the same office with him for a while.  We were good friends.  If he were feeling ill, he would come to work with tissues in his ears with garlic balled up inside.  Sometimes he had tissues sticking out of his nose or garlic around his neck.  And he could bring the stinkiest food to work.  He was a neat freak.
 
I thought the whole department was going to kill him once.  The company awarded prizes for a certain number of hours worked without injury.  While working on a piece of equipment one day, he scratched his finger.  It was just a tiny scratch.  I don't think it even bleed.  He went to the infirmary and ask for a bandaid so it wouldn't get infected.  The nurse told him he would have to fill out paperwork, which he did, and that it would have consequences.  That reset the clock on the number of hours worked without injury.  Boy was everyone pissed (except me.  I didn't give a damn about some cheap prize, plus I didn't work for the plant.)!
 
He injured his back one day playing volleyball and was out of work.  We lived in the same complex.  The boss went to see him after a month or so and kindly suggested he might not have a job if he didn't come back to work the following Monday.  I gave him a ride to work for a while.  Oh, man, the crap he would talk about such as he couldn't have sex with his wife.  The doctor suggested that he masturbate.  He asked me what I thought about it.  I promptly told him I didn't want to discuss his personal issues.
Lindsay Wheeler Added Nov 3, 2018 - 9:24pm
Strange that you create stories of your co-workers. That is just weird.
Michael B. Added Nov 3, 2018 - 9:36pm
@ Leroy - Speaking of lynch mobs, I've had several Asians who brought in meals that smelled like microwaved roadkill from some tropical hell.
 
I had a Mexican who insisted that he was Spanish and hated Mexicans more than anyone I've ever encountered; he was a good source of Mexican jokes, too, lol.
 
Yes, and I've seen more than one co-worker bring their marital problems to work, which are usually the funniest ones! Some are actually pretty sad though. And then there's always the drama queens of both sexes; the last memorable one blubbered, cried, and carried on for three whole days after her pet pig died.
Michael B. Added Nov 3, 2018 - 9:38pm
@ Lindsay - I think you meant to say that my strange co-workers inspired me to create stories about their weirdness...lol.
The Burghal Hidage Added Nov 4, 2018 - 12:40am
Ah....yes, see it now. Halloween and all, eh? 
 
You're out there in the land of fruit and nuts, aren't ya?  No wonder you've had such a menagerie!  Stupid seems to thrive wherever one goes these days, but the left coast is decidedly the dull cutting edge of the blade.  
Mircea Negres Added Nov 4, 2018 - 1:18am
Good one, Michael, it's funny as hell. I'd have put a miniature of Jack Daniel's on a gold chain around my neck, opened up the shirt down to the navel and gone for the ex-porn star... Sounds like a lot of your colleagues were insecure and constantly seeking attention. Glad they didn't get into management :-)
Stone-Eater Added Nov 4, 2018 - 5:27am
LOL
 
The place I work at shows who I am......
John Minehan Added Nov 4, 2018 - 7:15am
I am a big fan of the write Nassim Nicholas Taleb, the author of things like The Black Swan, Antifragile and the other books of his Incerto meditation on the personal and societal implications of hedging uncertainty.
 
Taleb is well known for being both brilliant and irascible. 
 
One of his "hobby horses" is insisting that Lebanese people (like himself): 1) are not Arabs; and 2) do not speak Arabic.  I have noticed that many Lebanese-Americans, like Taleb and Leroy's co-worker, take this position.  
Leroy Added Nov 4, 2018 - 7:16am
Where I worked, we may have had a lack of sexual deviants but we had more than our fair share of drunks.  They're always good for a laugh.
Steel Breeze Added Nov 4, 2018 - 7:39am
fun read,think we can all relate.....
Dino Manalis Added Nov 4, 2018 - 8:36am
 Co-workers who make work much more interesting!
Michael B. Added Nov 4, 2018 - 8:48am
@ TBH - Get it together, dude. If you're going to insult CA and the West Coast, you may as well do it right. It's the land of fruits, nuts...and flakes! Frank Zappa wrote a song about us - Flakes from Sheik Yerbouti:
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgyeUHH_V0g
Michael B. Added Nov 4, 2018 - 8:49am
@ Mircea - Yeah, too bad Ms. Former Porn quit and moved to another state several weeks before I saw the pictures from her previous "work"; if she kept up her performances, her husband was certainly a happy man (yes, she was married). I would have loved to have seen her resume, lol. To be fair, the pictures I saw were clearly several years old.
 
Although the characters I'm writing about have been found at the places I've worked at over the years, most of the females were at one place in particular, which was a publishing house. Places with high literary content usually have women in the majority in both labor and management, which goes far in explaining the general neurosis of the place, lol.
Michael B. Added Nov 4, 2018 - 8:49am
@ Stone - "The place I work at shows who I am......"
 
Be sure to include yourself in that statement, you fucking professional slacker, lol.
Michael B. Added Nov 4, 2018 - 8:49am
@ John M. - Interesting how Lebanon fits into the world, and how people can distance themselves from what other, possibly ignorant people lump them into. Up until the start of civil war in the mid-70's, I believe Beirut was called "the Paris of the Middle East" or something to that effect. Politics and religion at work, another story, lol.
Michael B. Added Nov 4, 2018 - 8:49am
@ Leroy - Oh yes! I have no shortage of drunk stories, including several with me as the central figure, lol. I'd love to hear some of your anecdotes!
Michael B. Added Nov 4, 2018 - 8:50am
@ Steel Breeze - Thanks, I thought so too, lol.
Leroy Added Nov 4, 2018 - 9:15am
Michael, one of the more memorable story involves a colleague well-liked by all, even though he never does what he promises.  He is what many here would call a religious rightwinger.  I've seen him drink three bottles of wine and still drive to a bar to drink several beers and then drive to the hotel.  But, one night in Europe, alcohol got the better of him.  His wife called me to make sure he was okay.  When she called him, he couldn't complete a sentence.  She thought he was about to have a heart attack.  I assured her that everything was fine, that he just had a little too much to drink after a long flight.  She calls him the next morning to ensure he is ok.  A strange guy answers the phone.  He explains (the truth) that the hotel didn't have another room and the desk knew that another guest who was checking in from Holland knew him very well, so they asked if he would let the guy sleep on his sofa for a night.  She's uneasy about it but buys the story.  She calls the next morning and the same guy answers the phone.  What happened was that they got drunk and went back to his room for a nightcap.  The guy fell asleep on his sofa.  She wife goes nuts.  She calls me several times.  I can't convince her that everything is ok.  She says to me, "I've heard about these homosexual European men seducing unsuspecting American men for sex!"  Nothing he or I said could calm her down.  Everyone but me got stinking drunk that night.  I stayed in a different hotel in the sticks.  We had to work the next day, a Saturday.  I about had to beat them with a stick to get them to work.  After an hour or so, I saw that we weren't going to accomplish anything as they were falling asleep at their laptops.  I called it a day and we all went back to our hotels.  In China, the same guy got so drunk drinking beijiu that he puked all over the office the next day.
Michael B. Added Nov 4, 2018 - 9:43am
@ Leroy - Too funny! Like many such things, they could have been much, much worse. Functioning alcoholics are much more common than many people think. My last job would have turned Mr. Rogers into a wife-beating, booze-guzzling wreck.
 
One of my favorite drunk stories so far was the Christmas Party of 1992. Being married at the time and having to work the next day, I left the party fairly early, but the festivities continued. One of the techs got way too drunk and started to get fresh with a waitress, which got him booted by the owner and head chef, who also happened to be her husband. The assistant manager, a woman, offered to drive him home, which he accepted. He aggressively and drunkenly made a play for her, and she stopped the car and kicked him out. When I went in to work the next day, she told me all of this, and I was expecting a good story when he came in, but he didn't. His mother called looking for him, but he was MIA. Later that day, the dickhead showed up looking like a plum, beaten to a pulp, with his eyes swollen shut. He said that he woke up in the Frankfurt Zoo.
Steel Breeze Added Nov 4, 2018 - 10:28am
i'll add a story,but it aint funny......in the mid 80s i worked in a plant with 2 brothers, one was pretty decent and the other was a nut who did side work for elderly widows, handyman stuff. one day after work he went to 3 of their houses and raped and killed them all. he was caught.
Leroy Added Nov 4, 2018 - 10:54am
"He said that he woke up in the Frankfurt Zoo."
 
Too funny!
 
There was a Canadian-Irish contractor who could drink more than any human I have ever witnessed.  It might have been the same night as above.  He returned to his hotel and decided to go to the bar for one more drink, where he encountered a Russian.  They had a few drinks and that is all he remembered.  He woke up the next morning on the floor of his room with a big sore on his forehead.  He had no idea how it happened.  It earned him the nickname, "Carpet Burn".
 
Michael B. Added Nov 4, 2018 - 10:54am
@ Steel Breeze - Yeah, you never know who's going to do what...to who. Thanks for underscoring that. However, it's not always the one-eyed ogre that you have to watch out for. For example, I knew a machinist who was among the nicest, best, and most helpful people I've ever worked with. He was also a hit with the ladies, and was scraping them off on a regular basis. One weekend, he showed up at his ex-wife's house, shot it full of holes, poured gas, and was going to light it on fire, but some neighbors stopped him in time. I was totally shocked, which is hard to do these days, lol.
 
On the other hand, I knew a tech who looked like cross between Norman Bates and Freddy Kruger; many seemed to be terrified of him, but he was actually a good dude, and as harmless as can be. Never judge a book by its cover.
Michael B. Added Nov 4, 2018 - 11:08am
@ Leroy - An Irish-Canadian? LOL! I can easily imagine the drunken Irish side wanting to duke it out with somebody, while the Canadian side is pleading for calm and reason, lol.
 
Regarding rug burns, I'll admit it - I got one of those too. A couple of years ago, after being laid off, I decided to go on a two-day bender...no, it was three days. I finished up at a friend's house, where one of the final acts of my three-day stupor was to trip and fall on...a rug. I woke up on the couch with a distinct burning sensation coming from the left side of my head near the eye. I immediately thanked my lucky stars, as I could have easily wound up like William Holden.
Leroy Added Nov 4, 2018 - 7:41pm
The guy could get me in so much trouble.  In Shanghai, we went to listen to a Filipino Rock and Roll band.  We knew the members through a mutual friend.  They invited us to another bar after they finished playing.  I figured I would go for an hour or so, not wanting to stay out too late because I had an important presentation in the morning.  Both of us did.  About 4:30 am, someone opened the door and the bright sun shined through the haze and into the bar.  It awoke me from my funk.  I had my arm around an 18-year-old Filipina.  I immediately jumped up and ran out of the bar to hail a cab back to the hotel.  I was accosted by an absolutely gorgeous prostitute (or maybe I was still intoxicated).  She was looking for a place to crash.  I would have nothing to do with her.  I get into the cab and the next thing I know the prostitute is hopping in the front seat.  I had to get up and chase her out.  When I went to get in the back seat, an old woman who appeared to be an Indian in a moo-moo, stood there with her hand out begging for money.  I couldn't close the door.  Finally, I told the cab driver to pull up.  I closed the door.  Then the damn prostitute hopped in the front seat again.  I yelled, "GET OUT!!!"  I have never seen someone move so fast.  If you see a classy looking girl in Shanghai, chances are she's a prostitute.  If you see a girl dressed like a whore, she likely isn't one.  I digress.  I managed to make it into work on time.  My contractor did not.  As we had a presentation at 10:30, I called him.  He had just arrived in the hotel room.  He mumbled something to the effect that he was on his way and promptly passed out.  I managed to rouse him about noon time.  That sorry bastard.   
Michael B. Added Nov 5, 2018 - 8:21am
@ Leroy - LOOOOOOL! Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Too fuckin' funny!!! Perfect job on the visuals!!!!! That dude must have been really, really good at his job, lol.
 
According to everyone I know who has been to Shanghai, there are more prostitutes there than the entire rest of the world combined. They also apparently don't have to fuck and/or suck to get paid. For example, someone told me that one night in Shanghai, there was a knock on his door; it was a gang of thugs demanding payment for "services rendered", when he had had no such "visitors". He said that he made the mistake of paying them something, thinking they would go away, but they came back for more. I can't remember him telling me how it ended.
Michael B. Added Nov 5, 2018 - 8:51am
Speaking of intoxicating and intoxicated colleagues, at one place there were two girls who worked side-by-side; one was named Mari, and the other one's name was Juana. I told them once how intoxicating it was to be in there presence, but their English skills prevented them from understanding me, lol.
Leroy Added Nov 5, 2018 - 9:03am
You should join Ward's pun list awards.
Michael B. Added Nov 5, 2018 - 9:06am
I deal out and receive enough pun-ishment around here, I don't need to go looking for it, lol.
Leroy Added Nov 5, 2018 - 4:08pm
"According to everyone I know who has been to Shanghai, there are more prostitutes there than the entire rest of the world combined. They also apparently don't have to fuck and/or suck to get paid."
 
I'd say that's likely true.  Prostitution is illegal but laws are selectively enforced.  Like everywhere, it is tolerated.  A common scheme is to grab a guy by the arm and start talking to them.  You're the most interesting man in the world and they are dying to talk to you.  They suggest a bar or tea room.  They lead you down some back alley.  You think the drinks are reasonably priced and don't worry about it.  Then, you get a bill for a couple thousand dollars.  Don't pay?  They send in the thugs.  It must be lucrative.  If they can't get you with that, they will convince you to take them back to the hotel.  I remember the time when I had two beautiful girls, one on each arm.  When I wouldn't fall for the drink scheme, they tried the hotel scheme.  They offered a two for one special.  They negotiated the price down to 200 RMB for both (about $30).  I didn't negotiate, just refused their offers.  I'm sure they would have either stolen my wallet or called in the thugs.  When I refused, they started yelling, "Cheap American!  Cheap American!"  I just smiled and went on my way.  There was one prostitute determined to get some return on her investment in time.  It came down to taking her to KFC.  I didn't want to encourage her.
Michael B. Added Nov 5, 2018 - 7:59pm
@ Leroy - Hmmmm...I know a guy who was in Panama who got a threesome for a turkey! Go poultry! lol