An Unexpected Visitor

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I was surprised by the sound of the doorbell. I was not expecting anyone on this November evening. When I got to the door and turned on the light, I was met by my friend Slimey's face staring back at me. He was holding a plastic orange pumpkin in one of his clawed hands. I opened the door, and he greeted me with "Trick or treat!"

I motioned for him to come in, and said to him, "Did you know that Halloween was last week?"


"It was?" he asked. "You lose track of time down there in the swamp. I figured this was the best way to not attract too much attention, carrying the treat bucket. Most folks who drove past me just didn't see me."


I moved the coffee table away from the sofa so as to give him room to haul his huge girth towards a seat. He sat down with surprising grace, pulling his tail up behind him and laying it beside him on the couch. I asked him first, "How did you find my house?" I had only seen him alongside the tidal basin before, and had no clue how he knew where I lived.


Slimey looked up at me. "I Gargoyled you." He pulled out a Slimey-sized phone with a well-scratched screen cover. "It's the best way for my kind to keep up with what's going on in the world above."

I realized that I was being a poor host, not offering my guest any refreshments. "Could I get you anything to drink?"


Slimey thought for a moment, then said. "If you could, I'd like a glass of water flavored with some dirt from one of your plants. That would be delicious."


I got up, and went into the kitchen in order to prepare drinks for us. I pulled a pinch of soil out of the aloe plant I kept in the kitchen, and placed it in the largest plastic cup I had, then filled it with tap water. As for myself, I poured a large scotch atop a few ice cubes. I figured that this was going to be an unusual evening, and I'd best be ready for anything.


When I returned to the living room, I noticed a trail of water leading to the sofa. When I looked back at the source, I noticed that all of the fish in my aquarium were missing, and Slimey was licking his claws. "I must complement you on the buffet you laid out there. That was mighty tasty," he said.


I was flummoxed, yet I did not complain. It is never a good thing to complain when a 400 pound reptile with razor-sharp claws is sitting on your sofa. Instead, I handed over the cup to Slimey and sat down myself. "What brings you here tonight?" I managed to ask finally.


"I wondered if I could watch the election returns with you?" he said. "We don't get good reception down in the swamp, and I'd really like to know what's going on as soon as possible."


"We can do that," I said. I picked up the remote control and turned on the TV on the wall. Up came a scene of five people seated at an extended table, with graphics all over the walls behind them. They were talking about the closeness of the Senate race in Texas. "It now appears that Ted Cruz has defeated Beto O'Rourke for the Senate seat in Texas." And up popped a giant picture of Ted Cruz, oozing his smarmy smile across the screen.


Slimey perked up. "That's good for me, isn't it? He's the one who was so insulted a few years ago, but came back and kissed Donald's ass this year, right? Anyone with so few principles has got to be great for the swamp."


I nodded in agreement. While I personally would have wanted Beto to win, I could see it from Slimey's perspective. The more candidates got down into the muck and mire to win, the messier the swamp would be.


Slimey took a swallow of water, then smacked his lips. "Ah, that's good stuff you put in there. I can taste just a tinge of tartness from the dirt." He pointed his claw up at the screen where the talking heads had moved on from the Texas race, and were talking about the wave of women entering the House.


"Now, that can't be good. I know those women, they like to clean, they like to clean things up. I like it better when you've got a bunch of sloppy men around. They don't worry about the filth." Slimey took another gulp of water.


I nodded, then looked at the screen for more information. It was not to be found in the endless rehashing of the talking points they focused upon. I finally said, "You're right, women don't like dirt. But I don't think they're going to be able to really clean up the swamp. It's too deep to get at."


Slimey looked at me, then shook his head slowly in agreement. "I've grown attached to my swamp. I'd hate to see anything happen to it."


I let out an unintentional yawn. It was getting late and they had just started going over the California results. Slimey noticed, and put his cup down and said, "I've imposed long enough. Thanks for the drink and snacks." He unwound his tail from the sofa and maneuvered his way to the door.


I opened it for him, and said to him as he left. "I don't think you have anything to worry about with someone trying to drain the swamp. Since no one's done anything about it, the ocean warming will cause the water to rise. Soon the swamp will retake just about all of this town. You'll be in good shape."


For a minute I thought I was in trouble. Slimey looked rapturous, and started to move toward me to hug me. The thought of being squeezed by those huge limbs and crushed came quickly to me. But as swiftly as Slimey looked like he was going to embrace me, he backed off, and before he turned away he said, "Thanks. Thanks friend."

I closed the door and turned out the light on the porch.


For previous tales of Slimey, see this Draining the Swamp

And this one: Sustaining the Swamp


Posted first on my blog at


Flying Junior Added Nov 7, 2018 - 7:08pm
Good commentary.  It has been ten years since we have had an appreciable number of women in congress.  I had to chuckle at that one.

James Travil Added Nov 7, 2018 - 8:16pm
Goodie another installment of the Slimey chronicles! 
Even A Broken Clock Added Nov 7, 2018 - 8:26pm
I was deliberately not trying to make this too partisan (except for the gratuitous swipe at Ted Cruz. He is just too good of a target to avoid).
Satire is fun!
The Owl Added Nov 7, 2018 - 10:54pm
Beto was actually a beta that slipped passed the initial alpha test.
Not ready for prime time even against as slimey a pol as Ted Cruz.
But I do have some things quite positive to say about Ted...He always gets Chuck Schumer into mode of senseless ranting, and he clearly shows a lot more class than either Dianne Feinstein, Elizabeth Warren, or "Spartacus" Booker!
FacePalm Added Nov 8, 2018 - 4:58am
i thought it rather hilarious that whitebread Robert O'Rourke could claim racist discrimination against actual Hispanic Ted Cruz.
Must've been the "Beto" nickname.
But i don't mind you took a swipe at him, EABC; there's something of the "used-car salesman" look about that guy that reeks of swamp slime.
That said, i'm glad Ted won over the socialist gun-grabber.
Stone-Eater Added Nov 8, 2018 - 8:19am
Hm. I followed your election here in Switzerland. Not that I'd have any say on that, but if I were American, I'd have liked Beto to get in and wait until he joins the swamp. No one gets out of there mentally alive :-)
And if those 99 women in the House are anything like these Nulandhaley bitches - beware. Women are far more emotional than men - and when they hate, they hate. Whether they understand the subject or not is not of importance LOL
opher goodwin Added Nov 8, 2018 - 9:22am
I sure hope those women do clean up the house. It needs it.
Even A Broken Clock Added Nov 8, 2018 - 10:48am
Owl - Cruz did win, but not because of the votes of my brother and his family that live in Fr. Worth. My brother said he voted Republican for most offices, but never for Cruz.
I do think smarmy is the absolute best adjective to apply to a picture of his face.
Even A Broken Clock Added Nov 8, 2018 - 10:50am
Face - agree with the used car salesman descriptor as well. But how did you get out of Beto's campaign that he wants to grab guns? I must have missed that one unless you are just tarring him with a broad brush.
Even A Broken Clock Added Nov 8, 2018 - 10:54am
Stone and Opher - We ended up putting a Nulandhaley wannabe into the House from WV. Representative named Carol Miller, must be one of the few new Republican women. She defeated a tattooed ex-veteran member of the State Senate who filmed his commercials while doing pushups. We did get some good commercials out of that race in our media market.
I'm waiting for some candidate in a future campaign to air a campaign commercial with bucolic nature scenes and soothing music, then close it with a brief plug saying that this measure of peace and tranquility in this campaign season is brought to you by  .........  and I approve this message.
opher goodwin Added Nov 8, 2018 - 11:35am
EABC - I have a mental image! I prefer the idea of nature and soothing music - I'm just not sure it would win out over rants!
Stone-Eater Added Nov 8, 2018 - 12:20pm
Tell ya what: Get Mrs. Danvers into the Senate. She'll scare the fuck out of orange blossom figure.
opher goodwin Added Nov 8, 2018 - 12:22pm
I had a few slime-balls knock on my door during the last election. They weren't anyway as pleasant as your guest. I hope slimy will be OK after Donald's drained that swamp.
FacePalm Added Nov 8, 2018 - 12:28pm
First, well-written, for the most part.  i liked the use of an imaginary creature as the foil - and loved the humorous aside about the smorgasbord...
Not that it matters now, since Beano has retired with what remains of the 85 mil he garnered via his campaign, but here's his general stance on firearms.
You may almost immediately notice his strong support for the Brady gun-grabbers; here's what Sarah, his wife, has to say:
'Our task of creating a socialist America can only succeed when those who would resist us have been totally disarmed.' 
-Sarah Brady, Chairman of Handgun Control to Senator Howard Metzanbaum
'The National Educator', January 1994 Page 3
It was a rare moment of candor; nowadays, of course, they keep mum about their multiple democrat campaign staffers were caught doing by Project Veritas videos, apparently in imitation of The Liar, who has a public position and a private one that are generally completely opposed to one another.
Short story is that it's good for Texas and Americans that O'Puke lost.  Now, if only his staffers will be arrested and tried for falsifying docs, then roll over on the asswipe to get a better deal, then have him arrested and convicted and fined, preferably about a million more than he has left in his campaign fund.
Even A Broken Clock Added Nov 8, 2018 - 4:30pm
Stone - Mrs. Danvers or Frau Blucher.  I see a direct cinematic genetic link between the two.
Even A Broken Clock Added Nov 8, 2018 - 4:32pm
Opher - Slimey keeps evolving as circumstances permit. He's fun to write, especially when obviously no one else can see him. Don't think he'll have to worry too much about the swamp running dry though. Especially this year - this side of the continent is about 50 cm above average in rainfall.
Even A Broken Clock Added Nov 8, 2018 - 4:35pm
Face - go ahead and check out the other installments in the series if you liked this one. I've had fun with Smiley and am glad you liked the buffet part. I laughed at it myself when I thought of that. That doesn't happen to me on something I've written too often.
Thanks for the info on O'Rourke. Question for you - would you have supported the Toomey-Manchin proposals for universal background checks? Manchin is my senator and it was out of character for him to make that sort of proposal that changed his NRA rating from an A to a D-.
FacePalm Added Nov 8, 2018 - 5:17pm
I'm not familiar with the details of the Toomey-Manchin proposals; personally, i think the only standard i'd find acceptable is the testimony of 2 or 3 witnesses as to the character of the applicant, with a proviso that they have known the one in question for a minimum of five years...more is better.
Have you ever heard of US v Cruikshank?  Although it's an 1875 SCOTUS ruling, it perfectly describes the power that sworn agents of the USG should have towards the issue of arms.  Assuming you haven't AND you'd be amenable to reading it, here's the relevant section:
"[The Right to Keep and Bear Arms] is not a right granted by the Constitution. Neither is it in any manner dependent upon that instrument for its existence. The second amendment declares that it shall not be infringed;...  This is one of the amendments that has no other effect than to restrict the powers of the national government,…". 
~U.S. v. Cruikshank Et Al. 92 U.S. 542 (1875).
(emphasis not in original.)
FacePalm Added Nov 8, 2018 - 5:21pm
And i LOVE "Young Frankenstein."  The repeated joke of the horse whinnying every time the name "Blucher" was mentioned was hilarious, though my favorite scene of all was when the Monster was in the home of the blind woodcutter, and he kept dumping hot whatever-it-was into his lap...
James Travil Added Nov 8, 2018 - 5:43pm
Hey who says Slimey is an imaginary creature? We got some of his kin in my parts even! 
FacePalm Added Nov 8, 2018 - 6:00pm
That would not come as a surprise to me, James.  Imps, demons, and devils have many guises.
Jeff Michka Added Nov 8, 2018 - 6:30pm
Hmmm, I hope there aren't many down your way, James.  It was interesting poll walking and talking politics with my neighbors and wider community.  Some Trumpists out there, but not as many as we get led to believe.  Faced knows Slimey well, getting greeted with Slimey's face in the mirror each morning.  LOL
James Travil Added Nov 8, 2018 - 6:46pm
Fac, imps are in fact demons, just very low level weak ones, nothing like a manucubis or arachntron, and not your "classic traditional" demon like a hell knight or baron of hell. But a lot of people think that they are a separate group
Jeff, my boss is a big Trump supporter and certified swamp creature like Slimey. He's not really that bad of a guy, but money is certainly his favorite thing and bottom line. I think he would sell out his grandmother if the payout was big enough. 
FacePalm Added Nov 8, 2018 - 8:35pm
Birds of a feather, eh, James?
Jeff Michka Added Nov 8, 2018 - 9:25pm
Hey Faced, not everybody is a shameless, mindless ideologue like you, so stop projecting on James.  Go off and cry to Sustainpeddle and Lindsay.  They simply love you and go along with your river of lies.  James was being nice referring to a Trumpist.
Stone-Eater Added Nov 9, 2018 - 8:31am
Hey, right ! Frau Blucher was the inspiration for Mrs. Danvers it seems.
Even A Broken Clock Added Nov 9, 2018 - 9:58am
Face - thanks for the additional information. And the movie Young Frankenstein was one of Mel Brooks greatest creations. He's still alive, and is planning on staying alive past the 2020 elections to see Trump be defeated.
Stone - it's really the other way around. Mrs. Danvers inspired Mel Brooks.
opher goodwin Added Nov 9, 2018 - 10:35am
EABC - Aaah - but there is no global warming!
Kristen Foley Added Nov 9, 2018 - 3:51pm
I tip my hat to Cruz for being able to go toe to toe with Trump, lose and then let principles take precedence over ego.  You see, it’s because of Cruz’s strong principles that he’s able to be cordial with Trump, after what Trump said about him.  The principles I’m speaking about are those of conservatives and not those of the liberals.  Seeing that Trump is now the head of the conservative movement, Cruz did the right thing.  The same cannot be said for people like Flake and McCain. 
As for the Swamp, you should love Donald Trump.  He might be the only elected official that didn’t come via the Swamp.  Certainly no other President was elected without having been a politician at some level.  Can every current House or Senate member claim the same level of distance from the swamp?  
Even A Broken Clock Added Nov 9, 2018 - 4:57pm
Kristen, thank you for your response. However, what people do not understand is that there are very substantive portions of the government that affect us in this nation and our safety that are being ignored by the current President. By not understanding what this nation's government does, he is letting it fall into disrepair and neglect. Now I for one do want us to be focused on cleaning up our radioactive waste legacy of the cold war. And I do want my meat supply inspected to ensure it can be trusted. And I do want weather satellites to be launched to give us better views of the planet that can provide inputs for better computer models of the weather and tropical storms. And I do want a competent census run instead of some hackneyed effort aimed at distorting the results due to a political consideration to try to reduce the count of those who are in the nation illegally, thus reducing the political clout of the areas where these people live.
DJT just ignores the government's responsibilities. He is ghosting half of the roles he was supposed to fill, and many of those he is nominating are clearly incompetent. But then, they reflect his own competency. Those who have bought into his origin story about being given a mere million dollars and transforming that into a world-wide brand somehow missed the other couple of hundred millions he received via the Trump family. And still his businesses failed right and left. He is no business genius. He is a manufactured image that a minority fraction of US voters bought into.
Kristen Foley Added Nov 10, 2018 - 11:49am
I’m not sure what you’re talking about when you say things are being ignored by Trump. If anyone was allowing the country to fall into “disrepair and neglect” it was the Democrats under Obama. Or did you forget how he gutted the military's budget and kowtowed to Iran.  I think your points can be summarized into the fact you’re a liberal and wish for liberal policies to be advanced and Trump is obviously no liberal.  For the record, I wouldn’t call him a conservative either.
As for your list of things you think Trump doesn’t desire, it’s all false.  He desires all of those things as well.  For example, a competent census is one that doesn’t count illegals. Again, you’re all about liberalism, so anything the President does or doesn’t do, you’re critical of. 
The reason Trump can’t fill his cabinet is because Democrats are stalling and blocking his effort.  Or did you forget about the resistance?  Outside of the fact you dislike him and are a liberal, I have no idea how you come away thinking he ignores the government's responsibility.
As for the malarkey about him being a failed business man, he’s worth a few billion.  A few billion is several hundred millions more than what his father gave him via inheritance.  I’m just happy we have a genuine member of the private sector running the country rather than some career swamp inhabitant like Obama or Hillary.
Morgoth Added Nov 10, 2018 - 4:39pm
Trump and the Swamp Monster are intimate friends.  
I still find it amusing, Trump’s “Drain the Swamp!!!!!”  Trump donated money to both sides back in the day, at least until Bannon took him under his wing and turned him into the Donald the Thud that is such a Messiah to the right.  
I still don’t get this persona all that much, he was a tabloid clown in the 80’s and 90’s.  He later morphed into the reality TV clown in the 2000’s but he’s always had the charm of a greasy used car salesmen.
I still fail to see how a billionaire can be a spokesperson for the “forgotten man (and women).  But, hey, whatever.
Great article, I love the appearance of Slimey.  
Even A Broken Clock Added Nov 10, 2018 - 10:40pm
Kristen, your sense of historical revisionism is well at work. Surely you remember this horrible agreement called a sequester that required both domestic and military spending to be reduced by similar amounts, which went on during the Obama administration, because the Republicans would not agree to a comprehensive budget? That is why the military budget was reduced, due to autopilot based upon a failure by all parties to work towards a real solution.
And as far as the Iran situation, I have no idea what you are talking about. We gained a strong oversight capability to make certain that Iran did not develop nuclear technology. Now thanks to DJT giving that away? Not so much.
And no where is the census supposed to count only those who are in the country legally. It is mandated to count all who are in the country, period.
Failed business man? Surely you jest. Just his decisions regarding casinos in Atlantic City should be studied in business school as the epitome of poor decision making. Trump would have had more money if he just kept it in a S&P 500 mutual fund instead of continually screwing things up. Then there's the wonderful Trump U. No, it is you who are deluded. But c'est la vie.
Even A Broken Clock Added Nov 10, 2018 - 10:41pm
Jeffrey, we are in violent agreement regarding the current inhabitant of the White House. I just hope we can survive the next two years.
Stone-Eater Added Nov 11, 2018 - 11:12am
Just got a global warming caused by my wife. Pretty good stuff and no sunburn.
James Travil Added Nov 11, 2018 - 5:34pm
Kristen is clearly mad, even during the Obama administration the United States military was better funded than the next five countries combined! How could a sane person call that "gutted"? Obama still managed to continue and expand on the Bush illegal wars of aggression! How much offense spending do we need? 
Stone-Eater Added Nov 12, 2018 - 10:07am
Until the US thinks they have equaled Caesar ?
Stone-Eater Added Nov 12, 2018 - 10:09am
I’m just happy we have a genuine member of the private sector running the country
Yep. All stays in the family and fuck the rest LOL
James Travil Added Nov 13, 2018 - 8:08pm
Incidentally those demon types I mentioned above (baron of hell, manucubis, etc) are all from the ID Software 90's video game 'Doom' (search for Doom on YouTube for details and examples), they aren't real. Demons, like angels and deities do not exist, obviously. I was just having some fun with Face since he actually believes in that nonsense. 

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