DO YOU UNDERSTAND YOUR KIDS ?

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My youngest daughter is 15, and a dumphone moron. But often she asks me: "Papi, ist that true what I read ? I was on Facebook and Mum didn't know that because otherwise she'd got mad at me. So I gave it up. Same as Instagram. I read of people playing games which led to suicide of teens. Is that true ? Why do kids do that ? Can't they talk to their parents and friends ? What drives them ? I mean, you're an old guy *chuckle*, but you know something. Actually, I might need the "pill" to avoid pregnency soon. What do you think ?"

 

"I think that's good. When I was 16, my girlfriend was 15, and her parents didn't favor that. So we did hide it. You know her, Marie-Claire. You see, I was young once as well. I've done a lot of shit too, as every young person which is curious does. I was revolting against my parents, every generation does that in order to get an own identity. Whatever you do, do it, but ask me before. Because I might have done it too and know the outcome."

 

"But don't tell Mom, ok ? I mean she's over-protective and I don't want you to have a fight because of this, like, when I want to stay out longer that she wants me to."

 

"No sweat. You see, we were all young once. but often the parents forget that. Most important thing is you talk to me, and believe me, I feel pretty good when you talk to me about stuff like that."

 

"Did you ever taste drugs ?"

 

"Yep. I smoked Marijuana and Hashish for a while when I was about 17 or 18. But I gave it up later."

 

"Why ? Seems to make feel good ! Many of my friends smoke it."

 

"It depends. If you smoke a joint once a week that's ok. You see, it's like anything you consume. Drink a beer every other day it's ok. Drink beer all the time it's not. Eat McDonalds every day and you'll get sick. Too much of anything is too much. When you notice that you NEED something, stop it."

 

(Fictive talk, but that's how we talk to each other. Trust is all. And I feel fucking honored that my daughter discusses EVERYTHING with me.)

 

I had quite some discussions with my daughter lately, because she's very beautiful and, although it flattens her, it makes her uncomfortable. She's not into boyfriends really yet, because she doesn't like adolescent male behavior such as "hey, bitch". But I must confess that I'm a bit afraid about the future when hormons get crazy....

Comments

Stone-Eater Added Nov 9, 2018 - 4:13am
Here it comes again. Did post it too early...
Stone-Eater Added Nov 9, 2018 - 4:15am



Steel Breeze  added Nov 8, 2018 - 11:46am




 


no,i dont.....but no less than they understand me......for that matter i dont understand most the herd.take the recent post by Opher bout injuns.folk like to romantcise bout them but consider,you have the entire,basicly empty north america,over abundance of survival resources,yet you relentlessly make war,torture,and enslave other tribes.....why?......only answer i can come up with is the same as today....male ego....






opher goodwin Added Nov 8, 2018 - 11:48am




 


Great Stone - it is so important to have a great relationship with ones kids and be able to talk about all those issues.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcrQh93f0uo






Stone-Eater Added Nov 8, 2018 - 11:48am




 


Steel
 
Sorry, I can't really connect your comment to my article...please explain !






Steel Breeze Added Nov 8, 2018 - 11:53am




 


SE,sorry,was just trying in my own inadequate way to show how hard it is to understand other folks reasoning whether your kids or strangers......i have always been pretty crappy at explaining my self with the written word...






Stone-Eater Added Nov 8, 2018 - 11:58am




 


Oph
 
You see, I had two kids before but I wasn't up to being a father back then. My fault. I needed to become 40 to realize the responsabiliy and have the understanding. I can't blame anybody but me, but I'm glad that I realized it. Although that produced a jealousy between the first two and the youngest.
 
I don't have contact to the older two. But I can't blame them. Maybe one day they'll read my diary and will know why happened what happened. Life is anything else than easy, but never blame your kids for anything. It's YOU only who is responsible. Unfortunately it has become an easy way out to blame the environment for everything that doesn't work out in a family.






Stone-Eater Added Nov 8, 2018 - 12:00pm
Stone-Eater Added Nov 9, 2018 - 4:15am
Comments so far :-)
opher goodwin Added Nov 9, 2018 - 6:21am
Stone - hopefully they will come back to you in the future and you will be able to reestablish a relationship. Kids are a huge worry but they are so enriching
Stone-Eater Added Nov 9, 2018 - 6:50am
Oph
 
I don't think so, but that's ok. Life goes on. I'm not into grieving for the rest of my life....
Michael B. Added Nov 9, 2018 - 8:26am
Parents are the bones that children sharpen their teeth on.
Stone-Eater Added Nov 9, 2018 - 8:28am
Hm.....could be. Until the teeth start to wear out at a later date and the former kids get as mild as we are ;-)
Michael B. Added Nov 9, 2018 - 8:36am
Among the things that crack me up about kids is they rarely seem to realize that parents and anyone significantly older then them weren't born that way, and a lot of the shit they pull, or try to pull, we wrote the book on, lol.
Dino Manalis Added Nov 9, 2018 - 8:42am
 Talking to your kids is imperative and they should feel comfortable to talk to their parents about anything.  
Stone-Eater Added Nov 9, 2018 - 8:47am
Dino
 
Apparently many parents have problems with that...
Stone-Eater Added Nov 9, 2018 - 8:48am
Michael
 
Seems to match. Kids can't imagine that parents were kids and parents have forgotten that they were kids LOL
Michael B. Added Nov 9, 2018 - 9:07am
"Seems to match. Kids can't imagine that parents were kids and parents have forgotten that they were kids."
 
LOOOOL!!! No wonder the world is so incredibly fucked up! LOOOOL
opher goodwin Added Nov 9, 2018 - 10:32am
Stone - I haven't forgotten I was once a kid.
James Travil Added Nov 9, 2018 - 11:01am
Actually I posted a rather long comment on the original article, then I tried to like it and I was told that it didn't exist. So the abbreviated version of the comment is, yes I communicate pretty well with my kids. I treat them like people who just don't have the experiences and knowledge us adults do. Well except for my adult children who I just treat as equals and friends. 
Mircea Negres Added Nov 9, 2018 - 12:09pm
Stone-Eater, I have no kids, but have seen enough of them interact with their parents (often my friends) to learn a few things besides what I figured out about my relationship with my parents, which was often a tragi-comic series of misunderstandings and frustrations.
 
Come to think of it, the first person to understand and accept me for who and what I was, was a former Vietnam War veteran Green Beret who'd hunted and killed just about everything that he was paid to, and for a while he was sort of a surrogate father on top of being my friend- and then I vouched for him and he fucked it up, which got me in some deep shit and out the window our friendship went.
 
At the end of the day, it sounds to me like you're doing the right thing because there's almost nothing better for a teenager than being able to talk to his or her parents honestly. Hell, my parents didn't even talk to me about the birds and bees, and were horrified when I told them that I wanted to join the French Foreign Legion. Oh, the seven years' worth of arguments that came out of that one were epic to say the least- and the consequences were worse...
 
I learned about the mechanics of sex by watching a porn movie AFTER the pathetic and heavily censored "sex education" session at school- you know, the one where the teacher draws a cross section of the female reproductive system, which looks like a cow's head, as for being a soldier, my attitude scared the fuck out of the post-apartheid South African "army", which probably still thinks soldiers sing their enemies to death... Nah, man. Keep talking to your kid and make sure the channels are clear of bullshit, then she'll turn out okay.  
Stone-Eater Added Nov 9, 2018 - 12:18pm
James
 
I think I know that you're a good father. Your comments here on WB show that.
Stone-Eater Added Nov 9, 2018 - 12:30pm
Mircea
 
Thanks for passing by, old African :) You see, my father was a mixed bag, my mother too. My father didn't speak unless he was asked something, he had a terrible youth as a child which pretty much shut him up for the rest of his life - but when he came home at 12 to eat, he lied down on the couch after and read the newspaper. I joined him, and by the age of 3 I could read and by 4 I could write. He was a very good teacher, but his heart was closed even to us. He had n girlfriends while he was married to my mother - I only found out when I was about 17.
 
My mother was the loveliest person you can imagine. She has done virtually everything for me, shielded the excesses of my father from me, she brought me up. But she wasn't interested in anything else than the household, discussions about whichever subject wasn't possible because - she had no idea about anything.
 
So - being an only child with my mother only (my father divorced and left when I was 14), and I took care of her until she died in 2012 - that's also a reason why I'm still not in Africa for good. My daughter is 15, she understands me by now, and I didn't want to leave my mother alone in the last years.
 
But what I want to say is: I never had parents who listened and/or could advise me. The street was my teacher - in Switzerland - believe it or not.
 
So I wanted to be DIFFERENT to my kids. Help them,. advise them, be there. It didn't work out on the first two, so I concentrated on my youngest. My parents had a lasting effect on me (although I would never blame them....we're all imperfect), and it needed ore than 40 years to accept responsability. Maybe that lack I had unconsciously made me adopt 10 kids in Cameroon. Guilt ?
 
Whatever.
Stone-Eater Added Nov 9, 2018 - 12:36pm
BTW: It seems that we're of the same generation then ;-)
 
This is one thing that disturbs me in West Africa too. Parents don't talk to their kids. They let them do chores, feed them, and correct them. I've never seen an open and frank discussion between teens and their parents, be it in Senegal, Mali or Cameroon.
 
That's probably why my Cameroon kids were all the time pestering me with questions.....
George N Romey Added Nov 9, 2018 - 1:16pm
SEF there will always be differences in generations.  In our generation it was hard for us to imagine that our parents grew up without a television or phone.  Today kids wonder how in the world we coped without Internet and smartphones.
 
Usually in your middle age you begin to understand your parents more, the good and the bad.  Suddenly you realize what its like now to be the older generation with a new generation taking central stage.
 
While cultures norms still exist today's kids are seeing the world through virtual means.  Whether they are getting a realistic view of the world is doubtful.
Stone-Eater Added Nov 9, 2018 - 1:22pm
George
 
I mean that's ok in general. But while we or our parents could live with power shutdowns, our kids couldn't. I'm not a prepper, but last weekend I showed my daughter how to open a food can of Ravioli with a spoon.
 
One never knows ;-)
Mircea Negres Added Nov 9, 2018 - 1:25pm
Stone-Eater: Brother, the relationship I had with my parents throughout my childhood and adolescence seemed to be one where I was talked AT but not heard until things went completely batshit, and I'm talking about the extent where the only time anybody listened was after some seriously dramatic stuff that involved me starting an intelligence-gathering organisation to combat physical and mental abuse along with extortion, sexual discrimination AND torture before they sort of listened, but even then and forever afterwards, they behaved like fuckin' 5FM's famous slogan, which was "Only what you want to hear".
 
Other than that, it was a case of "you (meaning me) sit there reading your books and you (meaning my brother), sit there quietly too, but if you drive your brother nuts, we're gonna fuck him (me) up because he's the eldest". Then one country and one continent later, it shifted to "you're the eldest and our brightest hope 'cause your brother is a fuck up, now go forth and conquer 'cause we don't wanna hear about no failures or stress-related shit, ya dig?"
 
I saw and heard a lot, dealt with my own parents' separation (at an age 7 years later than yours, but by then I'd seen and learned so much that I took the news of their separation like I was crossing the fuckin' street), and yet still fight a lot because they just don't fuckin' listen! Like I told you, it seems you're doing the right thing. Tell the truth, be open to uncomfortable questions and do your best to be there to pick them up when they fall down, because like any normal human being, kids will fuck up and they will fall. Yeah, we're both pretty tough philosophers who espouse the truest philosophy there is, ie. to tell it like it is and stand ready to support. Keep it up!  
Stone-Eater Added Nov 9, 2018 - 1:56pm
Mircea
 
I will. My youngest daughter had some stuff to swallow....my career in IT, then my fall down right into a dormitory of the Salvation Army for 1,5 years, my eternal fight against alcohol, and then the new start in Africa.
 
She asked me:
 
"How could you fall so deep ?"
 
I said:
 
"Frankly, I don't know. Probably it's because I can't stand fights and am a harmony addictive. Because I know that harmony IS possible. But I've learned to get out of the hole. I don't wish you the same, but it's a lesson in life I wouldn't miss."
Mircea Negres Added Nov 9, 2018 - 2:13pm
Stone-Eater, "How could you fall so deep?"
The answer is "Because you dared to rise so high". Why? Because I reckon what I'm gonna write below is about as true as things are going to get, and you (or anybody else) can quote me.
 
"Those who fly the highest make the deepest holes when they hit the ground without a safety net, because that's the brutal reality of physics and real life". M. Negres
 
About "I don't wish you the same, but it's a lesson in life I wouldn't miss"... Brother, I agree with you wholeheartedly. I've seen a lot of shit, but no matter how bad it got, to this day I do not wish that my life had turned out any differently because it made who and what I am today, fuckups, scars, tears, sleepless nights, nightmares and all.
 
Oh, about talking to one's children. So, there was I, in Pretoria in 2015. I'd seen and heard enough to conclude that my best friend's ex-wife was talking some seriously poisonous and "fake news" shit to the kids, so on a Friday during a power cut, I got my friend and his sons in my room and began with "You think you know your father, but you don't. Now let me tell you about the day when he died in my arms. It began like this"- and I told two pre-pubescent boys about the day I described in an old post titled "The darkness beneath the brightly shining sun". Man, you should have seen the looks on their faces and the respect they began to give their father after that- for a while anyway, because with kids, if you don't lay it on every day, they forget... Do what you do. Keep doing it, because lying about yourself ain't gonna make kids know the truth. Like I wrote earlier, it sounds to me like you're doing the right thing with your daughter. Though I'm not a parent, I will nevertheless quote Kansas: "Carry on my wayward son, you can rest when you are done". Be a father. Doubt yourself, but carry the fuck on because it sounds like you're doing it right.
Stone-Eater Added Nov 9, 2018 - 2:22pm
Thanks mate
 
....and that Kansas' song "Carry on..." is actually the only one I like from that band :-) In my time of darkness I listened to "Holidays in Cambodia" from the Dead Kennedys or "Liar" from Henry Rollins. People that never made the charts but described reality.
 
BTW: I guess to be able to support Africa one has to have experience in falling down and standing up again ;-)
Stone-Eater Added Nov 9, 2018 - 2:26pm
BTW:
 
When I told my daughter that I'll stay longer in Senegal and less in Switzerland she told me:
 
"That's ok, as long as you're here every two months or so. And it's fun to tell my friends in school that my father is gonna build a house on the beach in Senegal. You know, like, they pay an expensive hotel, and I'm just going down into OUR house."
 
Kids........LOL
Mircea Negres Added Nov 9, 2018 - 2:33pm
If you're gonna fall hard, might as well rise high, even if it's in a child's eyes. Man, do what you gotta do, be a good human being. After all, what the fuck else is there between being pushed out of the birth canal and lowered into the ground?
Stone-Eater Added Nov 9, 2018 - 3:27pm
Mircea
 
Pretty fatalist, but true. I mean .... what is there that stays of you after death ? Not your car, your house or your furniture or your dollars. Finally it's the memory of you that stays. If it'll be positive or negative - your choice. And I'm actually proud that I've been integrated into the African community - and they knew that I'm NOT rich. 
Jeff Michka Added Nov 9, 2018 - 4:39pm
I guess I feel pretty lucky reading this article and comments.  Both my wife and I have had good and open communications with our kids, to this day, even when they are both adults, and now my daughter is a Mother herself, so will in shorter time than any of us think, it will become important for my granddaughter and her Mom.  The "take a deep breath" thing was important when it mattered, and listening to them was really important, remembering what it was to be young.  Now, these days, glad I'm not young.  I'd hate growing up in this world we've all crafted.  Good reminder, SEFa.  Nice article.
Leroy Added Nov 9, 2018 - 6:10pm
I spent the first five months with my son.  After that, he spent most of his time with his grandparents, so much so that he couldn't speak English.  He joined me last December shortly before his fourth birthday.  I hadn't seen him for a year and eight months.  We communicated in the universal language of men--grunts and pointing.  It took about six months before we could communicate well with words.  Only recently has he been able to speak with precision.  He understands but refuses to speak in Mandarin anymore.  He laughs at his grandparents because they can't speak English.  He had a fear of fives, but he seems to have gotten over it.
 
I expected my wife to be the strict disciplinarian but she turned out to be a softy.  My father didn't believe in corporal punishment.  I figured it made a lot of sense and wanted to continue the tradition.  I plan to reason with my son.  That didn't work out well.  My son arrived with zero discipline, his grandparents believing that he should enjoy life for as long as he could before being subject to rules.  The idea is to let the school teach him discipline.  They bought him everything his heart desired.  He was spoiled rotten.  So, unfortunately, I was forced to become the disciplinarian.  So, that is where he developed his fear of fives.  When I want him to correct his actions, I count to five.  He knows what comes when I reach five.  Until recently, refused to count past four.   Now, it is getting to the point where I can reason with him and he can count past four.
 
Yesterday, we had a discussion about watching violent cartoons.  It surprised me that he understood.  We're coming to an understanding about what is appropriate to watch and he is beginning to self-censor.  
Stone-Eater Added Nov 10, 2018 - 2:49am
Jeff
 
Thanks !
 
I'd hate growing up in this world we've all crafted. 
 
I guess we'd hate it because we knew a better time (ah that damn nostalgia, stupid, eh ?), but the kids today don't know another so they love the time they grow up in.
 
I guess the only sad thing about today is the overflow of information. The less one knows, the happier he can probably be. There were always wars and illnesses, think of our parents and grandparents on WWI and II. Luckily we've been spared of that until now. I hope this will last - for our kids.
Stone-Eater Added Nov 10, 2018 - 2:55am
Leroy
 
Interesting ! I spoke Swiss German with my daughter from the start, French with my wife, so she'd learn both languages early. Now comes English, and like all youths she loves it :-)
 
Although my wife speaks Bambara with my stepson, my daughter refuses to speak it, although she understands much but isn't too good on vocabulary.
 
Last week she recommended the series "Stranger Things" to me (I'm no fan of series usually), and it was a good tip. I liked it :-)
 
I never slapped my kids, neither did or does my wife. There was and is always the possibility to talk.
Stone-Eater Added Nov 10, 2018 - 3:14pm
Thanks for your likes. It's an important subject to me. If WE can't advise our kids on an even level, who can ? The state or a government agency or some psychiatrists ? Nope. Nature says we've got to carry on and produce our sucessors. But we have to be CONSCIENT of that resposibility. We don't have to follow trends and Zeitgeist.
 
We have to listen to our inner voice that says: You can't produce love by living hate and ignorance.
wsucram15 Added Nov 10, 2018 - 4:40pm
Hey SEF....ttys.   Tell everyone hi
Stone-Eater Added Nov 10, 2018 - 5:12pm
Hey Jeanne
 
Thanks 4 stopping by :) Hope everything's cool :-)))
Logical Man Added Nov 10, 2018 - 5:52pm
I was lucky enough to have parents I could talk to on most subjects and who responded, I now realize, as honestly as they felt they could based on where I was in life at the time. Had some really interesting/informative discussions with both of them on many, many occasions.
I did the same with my kids. Having lived a life on the fringes, so to speak, I've learned a lot at the university of life.
I have a really good relationship with my son - we bike, hike, shoot bows and cook together when he's not off planting trees in some out of the way place. The first time he smoked pot was with me. We'd discussed the pros & cons quite  while before and he requested that we went that way.
My daughter is dealing with some fairly serious issues right now, but we can discuss things honestly most of the time.
One thing they both know is that if they need my help, in any way, they only have to ask and I know that goes both ways.
I've never forgotten what it's like to be young as I've refused to 'grow up'.
 
Stone-Eater Added Nov 11, 2018 - 2:50am
LM
 
Sounds great ! Nice to see that others share my views. Often enough I was told that I'd should be "tougher" with my kids but since they've gotten some bits from me I knew that would have turned into rejection and opposition :-)