The Old Fag

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There we were, waiting by the road, hands and arms full of rocks and lemons. The scout made his report: "He's coming!" As we waited eagerly for the red late 60's Plymouth to appear, the ammo was readied...there he is! Open fire!!! A volley of improvised projectiles immediately strike the car, which comes to a screeching halt, turns around, and tries to go after us and run us over, as per usual. Realizing he can't catch us, he yells out, "I'M GOING TO CUT YOUR NUTS OFF, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS!!!!", as we chuckle, stashed away in the bushes like so many little teenage Viet Cong. Another day, another encounter with The Old Fag.

 

Among the characters in the neighborhood in my early teen years was The Old Fag. He stood out in a neighborhood full of assholes, miscreants, and weirdos. We called him that for no particular reason, but his name should have been "The Old Kid-Hater". He wasn’t your typical bully and apparently didn't like kids, and especially kids on bikes, as he routinely tried to run us down merely for being on the road. He seemed to have appeared out of nowhere, and where he lived was a mystery for a while. Some of the parents complained to the cops, but nothing ever came of it.

 

The Old Fag, who evidently drove around town all day looking for a fight, went too far one day and tried to run over a couple of little girls, and the cops finally came to clean up the mess that was made after both The Old Fag and his aptly-named Plymouth FURY were put out of commission by relatives of the girls, who also happened to be a combination of ex-Marines and Mexican gangsters.

 

Several months later, we were riding around in another part of town when we saw a beat-up red late-60’s Plymouth Fury parked in front of a beaten-down house, parked next to one of those ridiculous-looking giant campers attached to the cab of a tiny little Jap truck. Was it The Old Fag? Some cursory surveillance indicated it was him, alright. We rode to one of our hangouts and started to hatch an attack plan. One of the dudes informed us that he knew where to get large quantities of toluene, which is, among other things, a powerful paint thinner. Light bulbs appeared over all of our heads. We knew exactly what we were going to do in the near future. Ammo was gathered.

 

A couple of days later, we struck. The first round was hurling bags of toluene at both of his vehicles; a bolder kid started pouring the toluene on the camper from the can. After that, and seeing no reaction, Phase 2 began: A furious fusillade of eggs, rocks, and lemons, which broke several windows. We hauled ass after that, laughing diabolically the whole time, especially as we weren’t being pursued. After regrouping, we actually were kind of concerned. Did we kill The Old Fag? Oh well.

 

We waited a day or so, and then asked someone to drive us by there, so we could see the damage. It was successful beyond our wildest imaginations!!! The lame camper in particular fared very poorly; huge spots of bare metal showed where the paint thinner had eaten it away. Anyway, some of the latest assholes around here remind me of The Old Fag. In dealing with these morons, words will have to suffice, although I long for the days of lemons, rocks, paint thinner, and BB guns!

 

 

Comments

Liberal1 Added Nov 30, 2018 - 4:16pm
Toluene is the same crap that gets you stoned from sniffing model airplane glue! I was the battalion SACO for a couple of years so I know it's no wonder he didn't come out and chase you.  The Old Fag is probably still buzzed from that shit.  
Liberal1 Added Nov 30, 2018 - 4:18pm
Nice tater masher avatar, BTW.
The Burghal Hidage Added Nov 30, 2018 - 4:32pm
I'm sure Michael B has sniffed his share of glue :)
John Minehan Added Nov 30, 2018 - 9:22pm
Arguably, better that than what the ex-Marines and Mexican Mafia would do . . . .
@ L1 - Yeah, with the Whites, it was always glue and toluene, but the Mexicans were fond of silver Krylon paint; all the cops needed to do was to follow the stencil marks on walls and various pavements they would make when spraying socks with paint for sniffing. Luckily for The Old Fag, there wasn't an ignition source nearby, lol. Also, thanks, not many people even know what that is, ein stielgranate.
@ TBH - Fucking never on purpose, however, I did get high as a kite once while assembling a model of the USS Arizona, which wound up being destroyed more thoroughly than its namesake, which was the ultimate fate of all my models, lol.
@ John M. - Funny, I thought exactly the same thing, lol.
Flying Junior Added Dec 1, 2018 - 4:31am
That's fucking awesome Michael.
 
I can't even come close.  But one time when I was on foot tweaking near my old neighborhood, actually quite close to the top of the world, (Mt. Soledad,) just trying to make it home, some fucking teenagers started chasing me in a goddam red Jeep.  I ran across the street.  The dicks pulled a U-ie.  I was a few hundred yards away from salvation.  When they pulled the second U-ie pointed back up the hill, I ran like a track star down the hill and managed to duck into a neighborhood I knew as a kid.  I had to sprint into the old neighborhood and find a house with tall shrubs.
 
I lay there hiding like a fucking fugitive.  Sure enough, not more than one half an hour later, beneath the hedges I saw the lights of the police cruiser looking for me in my childhood streets.
 
Later on I figured out that it was some dick who lived across the street from La Jolla High School with his dad.  No doubt his dad had bought him a brand new Jeep.  One night armed with nothing more than a quarter of a dollar American, I scraped that fucker's hood good with a huge red "X."
@ FJ - LOL, it's such a cheap and effective way at getting back at somebody...fuck up their car, or cars!!! I've seen hulking thugs almost reduced to tears because of a blemish on their wax jobs, so the "key" to pissing such people off sometimes is just that, a key, lol.
 
At my last job, I knew a particularly bitchy production lead that had her car keyed on a regular basis. One day she was whining about the latest "artwork" on her car, and I told her point-blank, "Maria, maybe if you weren't always such a fucking bitch, you'd be able to put Earl Scheib into a lower income bracket." She didn't get it, but most raging assholes and bitches usually don't.
The Burghal Hidage Added Dec 1, 2018 - 4:12pm
Michael I have to confess that I have not actually kept a good tab on it, but by your own accounts you must have an extraordinarily colorful resume :)
@ TBH - I'm sure yours is too, lol.
The Burghal Hidage Added Dec 1, 2018 - 9:09pm
Labyrinthine 
The Burghal Hidage Added Dec 1, 2018 - 9:10pm
short attention span :)
I've never been fired as an adult, and was laid off only once, back in 2015. The story behind my one and only firing (when I was 17) and the week leading up to it is a story in and of itself, lol.
 
I helped interview someone several years ago that had about 18 jobs in a three year period. After reading her resume, I wondered aloud, "How in the FUCK did THIS get here?" To call our HR manager a dumb-ass fucking dogshit stupid fucking cunt is an insult to dumb-ass fucking dogshit stupid fucking cunts the world over, lol.
The Burghal Hidage Added Dec 1, 2018 - 9:28pm
LOL.....I operated under my own banner, but participated in many ventures. Although I was not in the direct employ of many of the companies I worked with, I could easily say that often I was in effect a project manager with as many as six different companies. Not all of them all of the time, mind you, but all of these projects run more or less concurrently. I get bored easily :)
@ TBH - Good for you, dude! Not everyone has the capacity to pull that off successfully. I couldn't do it; put me in a padded cell in a straitjacket and a $100 bill, and I'll find a way to blow it, lol.
JC Teecher Added Dec 2, 2018 - 6:04am
Evil begats evil!
Stone-Eater Added Dec 2, 2018 - 6:52am
Liberal
 
Sniffing glue...I did that a couple of times when I was about 13. Get a high for about one minute and the taste of that shit lasts for hours in your mouth. Eek.
In the same neighborhood, there was a woman who apparently spent the entire day sniffing glue and offering blow jobs to random males of all ages. She hit me up once, but I declined, as she was too fucking scary. I knew a couple of assholes in the Army who also sniffed glue and other such things.
Ward Tipton Added Dec 7, 2018 - 3:08am
Just one observation. Unless they were dishonorably discharged, they would be former marines. An ex is a bad thing ... as in ex-wife. 
 
One of the worst ass whoopings I ever had was when I came back from joining the service and my dad asked if I had joined his beloved corps ... and I told him that the Marine Corps would not accept me because I had an IQ. 
@ Ward - Thank you for the correction! In this case, they were former Marines, from a network I'm pondering writing a post about, as in many ways, they were something out of a Sergio Leone/Akira Kurosawa movie, lol.
 
I didn't know you were a vet. I consider all vets brethren unless they give me reasons to think otherwise. May peace be with you!
Ward Tipton Added Dec 7, 2018 - 8:01am
I actually got an ELSD from the Army when they breached my contract, then they kicked me out, stopped the bus at the front gate and recalled me to active duty. Then tossed my butt in Leavenworth with a tdy in Panama working with private contractors ... my records never made it to Leavenworth somehow ... never stopped to ponder that part too much. 
 
Grateful Dead ... What a long strange trip it's been.