The Real Crisis at the Border

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A report from field correspondent Ford Wenty




Greetings citizens and residents of ambiguous legal status. This report comes to you from roughly 50km inside the Mexican border. After being barraged with conflicting reports of events occurring at and en route to our border, this reporter decided to conduct an in person investigation to find out just what the fuck is really going on. It’s not a pretty picture, I can tell you. Water is scarce, and suspect. The Federales have become much more expensive to buy off than in the golden age of the eighties. There’s shitty dope and not enough of it. Were it not for rum and mescaline I don’t know how a man is expected to survive in this hellhole. Still, for gonzo journalism, I soldier on.


The situation here is actually not as complicated as we’ve all been led to believe. The key question to be answered, of course; is there a crisis at the border? Based on my observations here in the field I can state unequivocally that yes, there is indeed a crisis at the US-Mexico frontier. These people who have sacrificed everything: their past lives and homes, their dignity as they are forced to queue for rations, their very physical being with fever, aching backs, sore feet. They have endured thousands of miles of dust and sweat and television crews. And now, within reach of their ultimate goal their ambitions to be thwarted all but for the want of floral wire. That’s right America. It’s not a caravan. It’s a parade.


For miles into the Sonoran desert the trail is littered with foil scraps, empty glue containers and staple boxes, remnants of cardboard boxes and spent aerosol spray paint cans. They follow the tire tracks of many trucks. And the tracks of the trailers being towed behind. Trailers which themselves bear upon them a parade of floats. All stalled now because the need to repair the battered adornments of these vessels from the rigors of the long journey. A repair left hopelessly unfulfilled because no one thought to pack extra floral wire.


They are a woeful sight. There are those erstwhile gents over on the US Chamber of Commerce Float, they’re always a contender. And this year’s up and comers are the girls of the Hilton Hotels Float. Theirs is a nearly breathtaking display of a Latina maid smoothing out fresh hotel bedsheets. The gaping holes from where white peonies once made the downy sheets are haunting, like the eyes of a ghost. I would be remiss if I failed to mention the SEIU Float. Manned by a particularly rambunctious crew, their float is always a crowd pleaser. Tyson and DelMonte both have impressive entries this year. The Planned Parenthood Float has wowed the field with a tastefully presented, full length vagina float, done primarily in a salmon strain of sunpatiens and blackwave petunias to simulate a landing strip of pubic hair. Sadly none of these poor souls may ever see the finish of this parade.


This is the second of a four year suspension of longtime parade member The Roman Catholic Church. This is a sanction from the parade organizers at the UN following yet another pedophile scandal. There was one new float in the field this year, an odd entry to be sure. Wojciehowicz and Estevez Accounting Services. They did not have an actual float, per se, though they made an entry that qualified. A Toyota pickup with their sign suspended over the tailgate and a small office desk squeezed into the bed of the truck with boxes of pens, refrigerator magnets and business cards. When queried Senor Estevez only shrugged and replied with this:


“Hey homes! Once they make all these fuckers legit man? Then they’re in for the whole shit, you know? I mean they don’t have enough poor dumb white trash to pay all those taxes! But these bros and hos? Shit man! They fuck like rabbits, know what I’m saying? Spanish speaking income tax services for how many million? We’re gonna be like Senor Block man!”


Who am I to disparage a man’s dream? He may be right. Only time will tell.


I would appeal to the better angels that dwell inside all of you. Gather your floral wire, get down to the UPS and let’s get those packages flying in here! Do not abandon these wretched souls in this, their hour of greatest need. If something isn’t done soon Sarah MacLachlan will be doing another damn voiceover. I can’t stand that shit!


Finally there is this. On the precipice of utter despair these artists are finding their hopes bouyed by the most vile of rumors. Somehow the seed has been planted that Nancy Pelosi herself will come to dispense communion wafers and sangria then lead them all to the finish. I can not find the heart to pour water on this. They have been reduced to this as their last hope and would I be more cruel to tell them the truth? I just don’t know….


The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 16, 2019 - 10:13pm
And this, to honor another great immigrant tradition, the Irish:
A fair lass named Bailey O'Ripple
Oh many a pint she did tipple
Quite gifted in blarney
was this child of Killarney
Irish Cream she did spray from her nipple
Even A Broken Clock Added Jan 17, 2019 - 10:39am
If only there were some electronic system that an employer could use to VERIFY a prospective employees legal status. Oh wait, there is one but it is unavailable due to the government shutdown.
Good satire, Burghal.
Dino Manalis Added Jan 17, 2019 - 11:02am
 That's why people should be evaluated at the border to separate desperate refugees from criminals.
opher goodwin Added Jan 17, 2019 - 11:08am
The dust of the rivers does murmur and weep
Hard and sharp laughter that cuts to the bone
The east gate like a fortress dissolve it away
The west gate like a prison, oh, come break it down
Maya Maya
All this world is but a play
Be thou the joyful player
Bill H. Added Jan 17, 2019 - 11:37am
EABC - Many contractors employ undocumented workers without question or negative consequences.
Being that many of these contractors are key to massive corporate profits, this is the main reason that corporate leaders who profit from contract labor do not support increased border security, and are mostly silent on this issue.
Trump claims he is for increased border security, but has (and will) profit from the use of undocumented workers, as he did in his casinos, and continues to do at his golf courses and at Mar a Lago.
Ryan Messano Added Jan 17, 2019 - 11:43am
John Minehan Added Jan 17, 2019 - 11:57am
"EABC - Many contractors employ undocumented workers without question or negative consequences."
I might suggest starting there, rather than with a wall . . . .
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 17, 2019 - 12:03pm
Could hardly expect to score style points with those who have none rev. Maybe if you pulled that stick out of your ass you might grow a sense of humor. Maybe.
opher goodwin Added Jan 17, 2019 - 12:59pm
Burger - another joyful bit of satire! Bring on the parade. I've got some tinsel left from Christmas.
The Owl Added Jan 17, 2019 - 1:38pm
Stay there Burger...You're with the type of company that suits you.
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 17, 2019 - 1:54pm
Am I ? And what would you know about the company I keep?
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 17, 2019 - 1:57pm
I might suggest starting there, rather than with a wall
John it does not seem to me that there are too many people trying to say that there is not a problem. There are some, no doubt, but I'd consider these in the minority. I look at this way. Compare to the concerns regarding energy needs. Many come with solutions, some trying to sell theirs as the only viable solution, when in fact the "all of the above" approach would best address the issue. Why then can this not be the same on border security and immigration? 
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 17, 2019 - 2:12pm
Bill H - why focus only on how Trump profits from it? He may, he may not....honestly I don't really know. Even if he does he is hardly the only one. Doesn't seem particularly honest to focus that dart on his back alone. Many businesses ( a lot of them are actually small businesses) profit by illegals because they do drive wage markets downward. What happens then when all of these people are suddenly legitimized? You think wages will go up? I would be confident to wager that no, they will not. Unless this surge is to repopulate sagging union membership? Nah! That couldn't be!
Everybody on this planet is gaming for something one way or another. The air practically reeks with agenda...
Ryan Messano Added Jan 17, 2019 - 2:27pm
Some of us understand style doesn't involve animal instincts, Burger.  One day you may learn this too.  Humor only involves profanity and obscenity when one is a witless cretin.
Unrepentant Added Jan 17, 2019 - 2:29pm
Good one, TBH. As I have vast experience in this particular storm's path, I obviously have much to say about it, which I won't, lol. I'm convinced that among the most monstrous blunders in U.S. history was not renaming all of the places it conquered; for example, Los Angeles should have been renamed Dry Fuck; San Francisco should have been renamed Maggot Hive, etc, etc. As you pointed out earlier, when you know animals, you know people. They're Spanish-speaking people going somewhere that has Spanish names. They didn't cross any borders, the borders crossed THEM.
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 17, 2019 - 2:33pm
Indeed.....that is a profound insight my friend. Here is the win-win for everybody: Just give Cali back to Mexico. They surely couldn't fuck it up any more than it already is. Who knows? They might even do better!
Ryan Messano Added Jan 17, 2019 - 2:34pm
No thanks, Burger.  I live here, and do not elect to be a part of Mexico.  I know many Mexicans who wish Winfield Scott would have conquered all of Mexico and made it part of America.
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 17, 2019 - 2:37pm
Hey rev -  If you look really, really hard at the fine print in the extreme lower left corner of my avatar you'll find the Parental Advisory, warning that my stories and my comment threads will be laced with profanity. Further it reads (I'll magnify it for you here): IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY THIS THEN DO NOT ENTER
If you're having difficulty finding it I would suggest the same magnification device  you use to urinate. That's sure to be strong enough to render the text clearly. You're welcome :)
Bill H. Added Jan 17, 2019 - 2:44pm
Unrepentant Added Jan 17, 2019 - 2:48pm
TBH, I'm pretty sure that's already happened, lol. Oh fuck! I need to get my Green Card today...or is it White Card for someone like me?
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 17, 2019 - 2:48pm
Oh and look! Entirely by accident there was an entire frame without a single profanity! And this one too!
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 17, 2019 - 2:55pm
Oh man.....I don't know that they make a card for people like us. I guess in your case it would be MasterRaceCard ?
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 17, 2019 - 3:02pm
back to topic...sort of, I guess.... Don in Odessa has an excellent piece up on the subject of the wall pretty much suggesting what I said to John M above....that the wall, in places, is only a part of a broader solution. I couldn't take issue with any of the points Don presented
Unrepentant Added Jan 17, 2019 - 3:45pm
TBH, no, it would be a McMasterRaceCard, which, now that I am an oppressed minority, I can play at any time, anywhere, for any reason, or none whatsoever, lol.
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 17, 2019 - 3:58pm
I like it! Yeah, thats a good one to have!
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 17, 2019 - 3:59pm
So misanthropes are an oppressed minority now. Huh! Who'd a thunk it!
Unrepentant Added Jan 18, 2019 - 3:37am
I know, huh? You'd think that being someone who hates people more-or-less equally, I'd be a strong candidate for the next President, if not Oberbefehlshaber der UN, lol.
Steel Breeze Added Jan 18, 2019 - 11:10am
corporations that knowingly hire illegals.......huh.....aint there a law about harboring criminals?...
Bill H. Added Jan 18, 2019 - 11:42am
Many corporations have been knowingly indirectly hiring "illegals" for years via contractors, but will always act ignorant when confronted.
Seems that contractors who hire "illegals" are simply ignored, and are considered necessary for the economy and stockholder profits.
Ward Tipton Added Jan 18, 2019 - 8:55pm
Do I detect a Barney Miller fan in there?
Seems that the use of EVerify has been deemed to be an invasion of privacy ... though oddly enough, the IRS has no problems with it ... during the year when they know someone is illegally using an SSN they say nothing due to privacy concerns ... but at the end of the year they have no problems going to the real citizen to claim their money back ... no worries about privacy there! 
It has nothing to do with a government shutdown and everything to do with selective outrage and arbitrary enforcement. 
Last time I checked, they were looking to see how many illegal aliens they could discover that may have been hired by people running the multitude of businesses of Trump ... but illegal alien IT workers or other government employees ... shhhhhhhh ... nothing to see here. Move along. 

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