The Meanest Dude I Ever Knew

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Of all of the various characters and caricatures that were around in my teenage years, someone I'll Call Scary Larry stands out. I can best describe him as a combination of Mick Jagger, Yul Brenner, and possession by multiple evil spirits which kind of came and went. An Injun-Mex mix who was a genetic mess when it came to controlling his thermonuclear temper, Scary Larry was the antithesis of good manners, especially after consuming too much fire water.


Unlike most violent sociopaths, Scary Larry's depredations were almost invariably defensive in nature, as the following examples attest:


One time while Scary Larry was fucking the resident slut, a white whore nicknamed "Paint" (because she always wore pants that were so tight, they looked like they were painted on her), Paint's husband came home early after being injured at work to find them in action; Scary Larry not only kicked this guy's ass out of his own house, but then proceeded to beat him with his own son's bicycle...yes, bicycle. The poor cuckold suffered severe injuries, and they moved away shortly after that. That was the first of several trips to jail for Scary Larry that I witnessed. Talk about adding insult and injury with even more insults and injuries!


On old man walked up to Scary Larry one day loudly berating him over his loud music (Scary Larry actually had good taste) and revving the engine of his 1955 Chevy Bel-Air ("the Chilly five-five"); big mistake on his part. Scary Larry hocked a shockingly humongous loogie all over the old man's face and then told him what to go do with himself in various ways. Instead of being beaten to a bloody pulp, the old man got off with a good bitch-slapping. Another arrest for Scary Larry.


While at a large house party, I encountered one of the older teenagers who had recently been paralyzed from the waist down and was in a wheelchair (He had drunkenly jumped from a cliff at a local swimming hole and hit the shallow end of it). Mr. Wheelchair, fairly drunk, rolled up to me and loudly announced that he could still kick my ass. Yeah, whatever dude, said I. He moved on to annoy others, but he picked the wrong one. There was suddenly a commotion, and I turned around to see the wheelchair on its side, and Scary Larry pummeling Mr. Wheelchair mercilessly, first with his fists and feet, and then with the wheelchair itself. It turned out that Mr. Wheelchair challenged Scary Larry to a fight, which Scary Larry was all-too-pleased to rise to.


A two-year old boy in diapers sucking on a bottle was on his porch with the front door cracked open. He was a member of a Mexican family that we called the Meeses, because they all looked very mouse-like, and Scary Larry (like almost everyone else) hated the Meeses to pieces. He already had had a few incidents with Senor Meese, so tempers were raw. Anyway, Scary Larry and a couple of his shady buddies were walking past when the kid tossed a pebble at them; without hesitation, Scary Larry abruptly changed course, grabbed the kid's bottle, unscrewed the cap, and emptied it over the kid's head. As if that wasn't enough, he had to bean the kid upside the head with the bottle, too. Another trip to county for Scary Larry.


I must emphasize that Scary Larry didn't limit his attentions to the young, old, and infirm. Although he was about 5'8" and weighed about 170 lbs, he was filled with psychotic energy, and I saw him down several opponents that were significantly bigger than him, such as:


The 300lb BUD (Big, Ugly and Dumb) white trash oilfield worker that Scary Larry reduced to a snivveling, crying little bitch after a sound ass-kicking. Mr. Oil Patch Scum apparently expressed his dislike of Mexicans to Scary Larry, without having any idea of what was about to hit him.


The 250 lb homie that snorted a bunch of Scary Larry's coke. Scary Larry had a thing for beating up his victims with bicycles and/or anything with wheels it would seem, as the homie, much like the cuckold and the crip mentioned earlier, received the edges and ends of pedals, handlebars, and spokes crashing into his face and body in addition to fists and feet. I'm sure the extra coke the homie snorted went far in easing his pain that day.


The construction contractor who picked a fight with Scary Larry for reasons I forget. I thought that Scary Larry had finally met his match, as Mr. Contractor was about 6'6", but no. Amazingly, Scary Larry got the better of Mr. Contractor too; well-placed punches and kicks to Mr. Contractor's larnyx and solar plexis sent him down to where Scary Larry was able to get him into a choke hold. Then the cops showed up, and both of them went to County.


Oddly enough, Scary Larry, when he wasn't being scary, was actually pretty cool, albeit in a fucked-up way. He was very protective of most of the kids around there, and would occasionally give us odd jobs, like stealing gas (in that 'hood, back in the late 70's, good siphoners were always in high demand) and other petty yet profitable crimes, or simply doing things like going to the store for him (kids could actually buy cigarettes if you had a note from someone the owner knew). Merely mentioning his name struck terror into many, and those with the knowledge that Scary Larry was our backup usually either left us alone or were very nice to us.


The last I heard of Scary Larry was about ten years ago; according to the source, his hard-ass life finally caught up to him, and he was living in Bakersfield, California, bedridden and in poverty.


Stone-Eater Added Jan 23, 2019 - 11:23am
666 Crowley Goodnews Postman
....that's life LOL
At one stage every veggie gets limp :-)
Unrepentant Added Jan 23, 2019 - 3:58pm
Very true Stone...every dog has its day. I'm amazed to this day that he didn't wind up in Death Row or his dismembered body wasn't found in a dumpster, lol.
John Minehan Added Jan 23, 2019 - 4:25pm
"Hey, you don't know me, but you don't like me
You say you care less how I feel
But how many of you that sit and judge me
Ever walked the streets of Bakersfield?"---Homer Joy (Popularized by Buck Owens & Dwight Yokum)
Leroy Added Jan 23, 2019 - 4:53pm
Scary Larry sounds scary indeed and a bit psychotic.
The scariest woman I ever met was a French woman.  I met a Spanish woman working in France who was pretty scary too.  
Leroy Added Jan 23, 2019 - 5:00pm
I should have written the scariest person...
Jeff Jackson Added Jan 23, 2019 - 6:14pm
Well, I guess karma came back to roost on the fellow. Interesting guy, but I'd skip being his pal.
The Burghal Hidage Added Jan 24, 2019 - 7:46am
Michael I read about your exploits and cast of characters and I am convinced that Adult Swim's 12 Ounce Mouse is a depiction of your neighborhood
Spartacus Added Jan 24, 2019 - 12:22pm
"Author Surrogate"
Obviously, this is fiction.  However, it is more aptly the author's representation of himself.
Honestly, I have read two articles by this author as they are typically juvenile and have little value either intellectually or with any humor.  
After having said this, I will most likely be next on the list of his photoshop smearing campaign.  But this is what bullies do to insulate themselves from their own abusive tactics . . . fear and intimidation.
People like this author are the meanest people I know.
Unrepentant Added Jan 24, 2019 - 1:50pm
@ John M. - I would consider winding up in Bakersfield the equivalent of being sent to Hell, big time, lol.
Unrepentant Added Jan 24, 2019 - 1:50pm
@ Leroy - European females in general, and Eastern European in particular, are very horrifying creatures, alright. I once told a Romanian woman that she probably not only baby-sat Dracula (she was fucking old enough), but taught him how to bite and suck as well, lol.
Unrepentant Added Jan 24, 2019 - 1:50pm
@ Jeff J. - Yes, when I heard that, I thought it was a form of poetic justice of sorts, lol.
Unrepentant Added Jan 24, 2019 - 1:52pm
@ TBH - Really? Hmmm....and I haven't even scratched the surface! Why do people often accuse me of making this shit up?!? If anything, I leave tons of things out, lol. Scary Larry is rich with material, like the time he broke up with his girlfriend after he ran over her sheep dog with his truck, lol.
Unrepentant Added Jan 24, 2019 - 1:53pm
@ Fartacus - Ask, and ye shall receive! You don't get out very much, do you, dude? You must hear the phrase "Your fantasies don't even come close to my reality" quite often, lol.
Unrepentant Added Jan 24, 2019 - 2:59pm
@ Fartacus - The good news you're black and gay. The bad news is...your pud STILL can't stuff a gerbil, so it looks like the gerbil will be stuffing you and Ryan, lol.
Slightly off topic: That's what GERE stands for, as in Richard GERE:
Gerbils Entering Rear End
John Minehan Added Jan 24, 2019 - 3:03pm
Very nice essay; leaves you felling like you met this fellow (but managed to keep your teeth and didn't get introduced to any wheeled vehicles . . . .)
John Minehan Added Jan 24, 2019 - 3:04pm
Sorry, "feeling" not "felling."
Unrepentant Added Jan 24, 2019 - 3:16pm
@ John M. - John, he was among the more colorful ones, but there were many more, although not nearly as violent, lol. I remember cracking up the first time I saw the movie Goodfellas, as it reminded me so much of my tender years, lol. I had a similar reaction the first time I saw Beavis and Butt-Head, for identical reasons; I knew two brothers who were early prototypes of that duo, lol. A combination of Beavis and Butt-Head, and a condensation of Three Stooges into Two Stooges pretty much sums them up, lol.
"Felling" was an appropriate Freudian slip for this post, lol.
Leroy Added Jan 24, 2019 - 5:44pm
"I once told a Romanian woman that she probably not only baby-sat Dracula (she was fucking old enough), but taught him how to bite and suck as well, lol."
It's a wonder that any male makes it into adulthood.  With your wit, it is even more amazing.
Maybe I caught that Spanish woman on a bad day.  I was working with a French guy we called "Stinky".  He had a problem with his computer, so he borrowed the Spanish woman's computer without her permission.  He was a disaster waiting to happen.  She was an enormous woman in a moo-moo.  He accidentally deleted everything on her computer.  I thought she was going to beat the little guy to a pulp.  She kept coming back to threaten him.  He was the same guy that got stuck in the elevator overnight.  He designed the controls and wrote the program for it.  I couldn't find him so I left.  He was there all night.  Talk about karma.
Unrepentant Added Jan 25, 2019 - 1:06pm
@ Leroy - LOOOL!!! Yes, some people deserve and get a dose of their own medicine.
Mexican women aren't vastly different from their partial forebears; the more repressed they are, the worse they get when they're given something resembling freedom, lol. I used to "work" around a quartet that I came to call "The Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse"; collectively, they had the IQ of a corn tortilla, and they were every bit as mean as they were dumb. Scarcely a day didn't go by when you didn't hear them screaming about something, or usually, nothing, lol.
Leroy Added Jan 25, 2019 - 1:28pm
"Scarcely a day didn't go by when you didn't hear them screaming about something, or usually, nothing, lol."
Welcome to my
Unrepentant Added Jan 25, 2019 - 1:39pm
@ Leroy - When I was married, this was me on a regular basis; the wife's voice often resembled that of a .22 LR pistol being fired right next to my ear: