Twisted Teller Tales

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Bank tellers. Those smug bitches who know more about you than you probably would like them to, especially if you don't have at least a five-digit figure in your checking account on a regular basis. Besides a medical professional, perhaps no other stranger that you meet face-to-face possesses more intimate knowledge of exactly how well or badly-endowed you truly are, down to the red cent.


Of course, being in that unique vantage point, I imagined that much like medical professionals and others who deal with the general public, bank tellers also have more than their share of tragicomic tales to tell. Sure enough, one teller I talked to told some pretty hilarious stories of people who went bonkers while banking, such as:


A woman who was convinced that Satanic hackers regularly accessed her account, which explained why it was overdrawn on a regular basis. The Satanic hackers were based at various establishments that she coincidentally frequented.


Another woman who used her entire wardrobe, including bra and panties, as a temporary wallet and purse. The women spent approx. 20 minutes fishing bills and coins out to make a deposit, which amounted to a couple of hundred bucks.


A man who routinely orders hundreds of dollars’ worth of small change, only to return it all within a few days. According to the teller, the man is searching “for a special coin.”


Another man who ordered $250 worth of pennies. Apparently upset at a debt he had to pay, this guy did it in style. Not content with keeping them in their rolls, the man said he was going to ensure they were all loose when presented.


A man who closed his account (which had several hundred thousand dollars) within minutes of it being seized by law enforcement for whatever reason.


A woman who withdrew $84,000 in cash in order to buy a dress.


I’m sure there are many, many others out there.


Leroy Added Feb 6, 2019 - 4:36pm
I suppose anyone who deals with the public has tales to tell.  I did between the ages of 11 and 22.  I tell you; more happens in a small town than a big town.
Mustafa Kemal Added Feb 6, 2019 - 9:53pm
Jolly, you have outdone yourself. I havent laughed that hard in a long time.
Im a guessin that the pirate's life is suitin ye
Jeffry Gilbert Added Feb 7, 2019 - 12:05am
The Burghal Hidage Added Feb 7, 2019 - 8:00am
Michael B ( B for buccaneer) goes into a bank in full regalia, parrot and all. The teller asks " are you a buccaneer " 
Michael replies "yeah these are my buckin ears, are those yer buckin tits sweet cakes"
Aarrgh indeed!
Dino Manalis Added Feb 7, 2019 - 8:33am
 We should spread kindness and politeness instead!
Webmaster Added Feb 7, 2019 - 9:00am
Bankers are good psycologists, moreover they have intelligence service which gets information on any client taking a loan. Sometimes it seems to me that bankers do not live their own life but just follow the lives of their clients and feed on their emotions, in fact, being constantly present side by side and watching their financial failures or achievements.
The Burghal Hidage Added Feb 7, 2019 - 9:08am
Gee....sounds eerily familiar to the description of a parasite
Webmaster Added Feb 7, 2019 - 9:41am
Sure, they have a lot in common. In some sense they really are ones, especially when loan interest rate exceeds 20% per year.
Unrepentant Added Feb 7, 2019 - 1:14pm
@ Leroy - Yes, the smaller the town, the more the talk. They may be completely ignorant of world affairs, but everyone knows how Cletus got the black eye and why Daisy Mae lost the baby, lol.
Unrepentant Added Feb 7, 2019 - 1:14pm
@ Mustafa and Captain Gilbert - Aye, it's the only way to be...arrgggghhhhaaaagghhhhhhh!!!!!!
Unrepentant Added Feb 7, 2019 - 1:15pm
@ TBH -Good one! That reminds me of one time while at a bar, my buddy was checking out some chick who had insanely long fingernails. He asked her if they were real, and she cupped her tits and said, "Of course they're real." LOL
Unrepentant Added Feb 7, 2019 - 1:15pm
@ Dino - "We should spread kindness and politeness instead!"
You're absolutely right, you fucking lame-o, rim-jobbing, ass-licking, robotic fucking fuck! LOL
Unrepentant Added Feb 7, 2019 - 1:16pm
@ Webmaster and TBH - Banker = Parasite. That sounds about right. By far the biggest mistake I've made in my life is in NOT becoming a banker, lol. Some quotes:
"The few who can understand the system will either be so interested in its profits, or so dependent upon its favors, that there will be no opposition from that class, while on the other hand, the great body of the people mentally incapable of comprehending the tremendous advantages that capital derives from the system, will bear its burdens without complaint, and perhaps without even suspecting that capitalism is inimical to their interests."
Letter from Rotschild Bros. of London to a group of New York bankers, 1863
"Banking was conceived in iniquity and born in sin. The bankers own the earth. Take it away from them, but leave them the power to create deposits, and with a flick of a pen they will create enough deposits to but it back again...but as long as the public and governments will legalize such things, a man is foolish not to be a banker."
Josiah Stamp, President of the Bank of England during the 1920's
Unrepentant Added Feb 7, 2019 - 1:23pm
Update - A teller told me earlier today about a very pissed-off customer who filled their safe deposit box with dead fish over a long, hot weekend.
John Minehan Added Feb 7, 2019 - 1:49pm
I would guess most of us are not that interesting, however.
Unrepentant Added Feb 7, 2019 - 1:53pm
@ John M. - That seems to be true. Most of the tellers I tried to get to tell me things weren't very telling; not surprisingly, the more astute the ZIP code, the less problems they tend to have.
Webmaster Added Feb 7, 2019 - 2:37pm
Jolly Roger, you made my evening, now I will laugh for an hour, - to fill the parasites` safe box with dead fish is an invention which needs international patent! I am not sure you would become a banker as you can produce irony and satire, but bankers are always extremely serious in their quest for world domination.
Mustafa Kemal Added Feb 7, 2019 - 4:51pm
Jolly, my daughter gave me a red t-shirt with a
Jolly Roger bunny on the front.
You might like it. I have observed that it appears to annoy some liberals.
It doesnt work as  well as my Haliburton t-shirt, but thats a pretty high standard. You should see what happens  when i wear THAT to a Tai Chi session, LOL.
Jeff Jackson Added Feb 7, 2019 - 9:48pm
One famous incident at one of the big banks in my town, still remembered decades later, as my sister witnessed. One customer owed the bank a fair amount of money, and they pestered him about it. One day, he walked in with a wheel-barrow full of pennies, dumped it on the bank floor and shouted to one of the vice-presidents, "here's your darn money!" A wheel-barrow no less.
Katharine Otto Added Feb 7, 2019 - 10:27pm
Michael B.,
Why do you think they call them "tellers"?
Stone-Eater Added Feb 8, 2019 - 2:50am
No bank tellers here anymore. Computer says no - Little Britain :)
Flying Junior Added Feb 8, 2019 - 4:05am
I have a slightly different take on bank tellers.  Forty years ago, I was living in Pacific Beach with my college buddy as a roommate.  We both used the same bank in La Jolla and were for a time quite obsessed with a little blonde teller named Tina.  She was an exquisite beauty fresh out of secretarial school with a pony tail that hung most of the way down her back.  One day I rode the same bus she was on.  She got off on Mission Boulevard at Chalcedony Street mere blocks away from where I lived.  Excitedly I told my buddy the good news  In our over-active young minds, I guess we thought that we could just ride the same bus and casually strike up a conversation and maybe offer to carry her books or something like that.  I mean, why not?
These days, now that I am a middle-aged pervert, I can only admire the young beauties at my branch.  I know that they like me.  Girls enjoy the attention.  My favorite is Brenda, mi Azteca.  She is so sweet and shy.  She always waives bank fees for me on cashier's checks and other transactions.  Whenever she can help me change automatic transfers or the like, she asks a supervisor to help her, then she is very happy that she was able to accomplish just what I required.  I like it when she has to get up and walk.  She is such a petite seƱorita.  And her bones are so delicate.  Her tiny wrists have bracelets.  She is stunningly beautiful with her overbite and luscious lips.  But she is shy to meet my eyes.  She smiles as her eyelids flutter to my gaze.  We share the love of Don Quixote and his Dulcinea.
Mustafa Kemal Added Feb 8, 2019 - 10:07pm
Flying Junior is in love.
I remember those days, usually thinking with the wrong head, 
with some mixed feelings.
Unrepentant Added Feb 10, 2019 - 4:34pm
Yes, I admit there's been more than a few tellers that have pitched my tent..only law offices have more high-grade trim. Follow the money, as they say...fucking golddigging whores, lol.