The Test from Hell

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Mary Neon-Ass woke on a table. Last she knew, she had been organizing a protest against gender change in her California city. Then, she had heard a bang, and felt a few moments of agonizing pain. And then, suddenly, this. What?


She looked to one side, and saw a plaque inscribed in a familiar language. It said: “Judgement Room 42. University of Hell.”


Oh excrement, she thought. Now I remember. I was sent into a sim, in which I would be given power over others. It’s a second-year test in Philocivics at the University.


Well, she thought, how did I do? I didn’t get very high up in the sim’s power system, but I think I did a good job. I tried everything I could to stop the people there changing gender, or going gay, or having sex outside marriage, or denying the Christian religion, or contradicting its teachings, or believing other religions, or doing or saying anything against the good ole U S of A. I attracted quite a cadre of support from local conservatives. Yes, I think I did pretty well. A B, surely; even, maybe, an A, and a chance to leave Hell for a while!


Then, the thought: But someone shot me. Maybe it was an accident, and I’ll get a re-boot. Or it might have been a premature withdrawal. That wouldn’t be good. You can’t get better than a D if they have to bring you back before the full time.


There was no other furniture in the room. The door was shut, and she didn’t have the password for it. So, she sat on the edge of the table, waiting. She expected her supervisor, Dopo O’Whinger, to arrive soon to tell her how she’d done. She wondered what strange attire he would be wearing this time; for Dopo usually wore red and green, and his second moniker was “Hide Poor Gown.”


The wait was long. Then, the door opened slowly. And in came, not Dopo, but Old Nick himself, the Chancellor of the University. Nick O’Ell, his moniker was; Nick O’Hell, if you included his middle initial. Oh, sextillions of years of dog poo, thought Mary. This is worse than my wildest wakings. I haven’t got a C or a D; for those are dealt with by the Vice-Chancellor, Ba-Gahd Huge Hitler. No, I have an E or worse: Hell forbid!


Nick approached. He was wearing his most formal gown, and carrying a clipboard in his left hand. Mary looked at the pentagonal face, the square mortar-board, and the large three-pointed fork (the Tripos) in his right hand. And she was afraid.


“Well, how do you think you did on the test?” said Nick, affably and yet menacingly.


Mary’s tongue clove to her mouth. She couldn’t say anything beginning with a consonant. Eventually she squeaked out, “E?”


“Wrong,” said Nick. “You got an H. H for Hypocrite. Eighth Circuit, Sixth Division is your next home.”


All the way down to the Eighth Circuit of Hell, thought Mary. And after I climb back up the slippery poles, I have to start the course all over again.


Mary struggled to say something; Nick waved his left hand, and she could speak again. “What did I do wrong?” she blurted out.


“You know that,” replied Nick. “Maybe not consciously as yet, but you’ll work it out Down There. You got so mired into the wickednesses of that sim, that we had to send three special agents to get you out. Ira Leger, Len Syntax and the hitman, Emil Bach. You’ve heard of them? They aren’t cheap.


“But as a starter for ten, I’ll ask you: What sex were you in that sim?” Mary blushed; yes, she had asked to be male on her sim application form, then once in the sim, she had tried to get political power by campaigning against people who were unlucky enough to feel an urge to change gender.


Nick let that sink in, then said: “Mary you idiot, while you were in that sim you tried to get power over the simcivs through politics and religion. And you were aggressive, rude and dishonest. Moreover, you rejected Enlightenment values such as tolerance, freedom of speech and expression, and freedom of religion. You have knowingly acted contrary to the founding principles of Hell, as laid down in the Code of Lucifer. So, I have found you guilty of un-Hellistic activities.”


Nick turned away from her, and uttered loudly: “Yoler!”


“Your Esteemed Lowness?” came a deep, gravelly voice from outside the room.


In Hell, Yoler’s job is to transport the condemned to their places of punishment. He has the longest right arm in the Universe, and when Old Nick asks him to, he uses that arm to take convicts speedily to their destinations. It’s not much fun for the passengers.


Mary had met Yoler once before. That was after she had got an E in Elementary Self-Control, and had been condemned to the Fifth Circuit for a while. Yoler’s enormous right hand had lifted her into the air, high enough to be scary; spun her about until she felt badly sick, then dropped her suddenly to the ground. The pain after the impact had been excruciating.


“I have one for the ditch,” said Nick. “Eighth Circuit, Sixth District. Admission number 8/6/94590. Non-violent offence this time, so I’ve issued a Clemency Order for no physical pain. But you can give her the full Hellicopter Ride otherwise.”


“My pleasure,” said the gravelly voice.


Stone-Eater Added Mar 10, 2019 - 8:43am
Brave New World. friend has a daughter called Lucy. I might cut the contact to him ;-)
The Burghal Hidage Added Mar 10, 2019 - 12:06pm
Devilishly clever :)
Neil Lock Added Mar 10, 2019 - 12:28pm
TBH: Indeed so, but I think my plot may have been too subtle for its audience. I did drop a hint on Stone-Eater's thread that there were anagrams in this piece. There are seven anagrams of WriterBeat people, and you are among us.
The Burghal Hidage Added Mar 10, 2019 - 12:47pm
Hell forbid indeed ;)
The Burghal Hidage Added Mar 10, 2019 - 1:21pm
A chancellor of fitting
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Mar 10, 2019 - 1:33pm
Mary Neon Ass = Ryan Messano? Clever!
The Burghal Hidage Added Mar 10, 2019 - 1:43pm
Noble gas for your ass :)
Neil Lock Added Mar 11, 2019 - 3:23am
Did no-one notice the anagram "Dopo O'Whinger" for Opher Goodwin?
The Burghal Hidage Added Mar 11, 2019 - 7:18am
I did Neil, but as Dopo is currently working to save the transgendered,  militant vegan and anti-theist population of the spotted bum swallows of the Bournemouth watershed, well....
it just didn't seem appropriate. 
FacePalm Added Mar 11, 2019 - 10:22am
Ba-Gahd Huge Hitler = The Burghal Hidage
FacePalm Added Mar 11, 2019 - 10:50am
Nick O'ell = Neil Lock
Neil Lock Added Mar 11, 2019 - 12:21pm
FacePalm = Fame. Clap!
Thanks for joining the party.
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Mar 11, 2019 - 1:07pm
@ TBH - Really? And I thought the herons had finally finished him off, lol.
Stone-Eater Added Mar 12, 2019 - 9:41am
Yoler = Leroy
Neil Lock Added Mar 12, 2019 - 12:45pm
Stone-Eater: Yo! But I don't claim any credit for that particular anagram, because Leroy himself has published it here.
Now try the remaining three... one of whom has already commented on this thread, but under a different moniker.
Neil Lock Added Mar 12, 2019 - 12:57pm
TBH: As it happens, I passed through Bournemouth on Saturday, and I didn't see any spotted bum swallows. I suspect that Dopo is going to declare that species "extinct" very soon, and he'll blame you and me.
FacePalm Added Mar 12, 2019 - 1:24pm
Ira Leger, Len Syntax, Emil Bach
Gerrilea, TexasLynn, Michael B
Neil Lock Added Mar 12, 2019 - 2:12pm
FacePalm: Well done! Now you can help me by working out anagrams for some of the good people I didn't include here:
Stone-Eater (a lot harder than it looks!)
Jeff Jackson
Katharine Otto
Oh, and try Autumn Cote too, and see if you can come up with better than "a cute mount."
Dino Manalis Added Mar 12, 2019 - 2:24pm
 There's no such university, you're imagining it.
Stone-Eater Added Mar 12, 2019 - 2:58pm
Easter Tone ?
Jack Jeffson LOL
...without pen and paper no easy :-)
Neil Lock Added Mar 12, 2019 - 3:55pm
Nate Stereo might be better. Particularly for an electric bass player...
Neil Lock Added Mar 12, 2019 - 4:01pm
Dino: Of course I'm imagining it. But I'll still put forward my ideas, unDante'd by jeers from you or anyone else.
Stone-Eater Added Mar 12, 2019 - 5:12pm
Well...I guess for such stuff my English is not perfect enough. Nate ? Is that a name ?
FacePalm Added Mar 12, 2019 - 5:43pm

Yes; it's short for Nathaniel. usually.
Oh, and try Autumn Cote too, and see if you can come up with better than "a cute mount."
The only one which comes to mind immediately is obscene, and "a cute mount" certainly is risqué - i expect you'd like better than that.  How about:
Atom Nutu, Ceo, or Tom Anutu, Ceo

i'll take a shot at the others shortly.

FacePalm Added Mar 12, 2019 - 5:58pm
Stone-Eater = Otter Eneas
Jeff Jackson   =     JJ  Sekancoff

Katharine Otto =   Thanio Hoknatt
Nobody's Sweetheart Added Mar 13, 2019 - 1:09am
Emil Bach...I like it! It has a Nazi war criminal/camp commandant ring to it. It's either that, or a long lost German member of ABBA, lol. That's the second good moniker I gained today, next to my rapper/hip-hop handle...2Wite, lol.
Stone-Eater Added Mar 13, 2019 - 4:35am
Katharine Otto =   Thanio Hoknatt
FacePalm Added Mar 13, 2019 - 12:16pm
Also, for SEFa:
Sea E Rotten,  Rotten Ease, Ensea Otter
For Kat:
Thanio Thoknat, Hatio Tanthiko, Otani O'Thiktan
Stone-Eater Added Mar 13, 2019 - 1:09pm
You got some talent there LOL
Neil Lock Added Mar 13, 2019 - 6:26pm
Hatio Tanthiko... FacePalm, I like the Japanese feel of that name. But where's the "r" in "Katharine?" And the "e?" And she only has one "i" by my reckoning. "Think a root tea" is the best I've come up with so far. Need to go back to the warding-broad, I guess.
The Burghal Hidage Added Mar 13, 2019 - 8:13pm
Root tea is a common concoction in her part of the world....Sassy-frass, from whence comes Sasparilla, or as it is known today Root Beer
FacePalm Added Mar 14, 2019 - 2:23am
Details, details.  Can't always be perfect.  Haetior Tanthiko, then.  C'mon, man!  You ask for help, i help, and you complain instead of stuffing the missing letters in somewhere your own self?
But a "warding broad" sounds like an interesting woman - like a slutty witch, or something.
Stone-Eater Added Mar 14, 2019 - 8:33am
Root Beer ? Is that the stuff you use on roots to fertilize your garden ? Ok, that explains why it's not fit to drink LOL
The Burghal Hidage Added Mar 14, 2019 - 9:22am
Not to be confused is a soft drink. American beer was once likened by Monty Python as to "making love in a canoe" , i.e. fucking close to water
Stone-Eater Added Mar 14, 2019 - 9:51am
Weiss ich doch :-) I've tasted it in the US, and I think it tastes like today's Red Bull or other toothpaste water ......
The Burghal Hidage Added Mar 14, 2019 - 10:35am
It doesnt even taste that good!
Guinness is the only true beer. The only thing better is the Irish Car Bomb, which is comprised of Guinness, a shot of Jamesons Irish whiskey and just a touch of Baileys Irish Cream. Great breakfast drink. If Guinness wasnt so frothy you could add protein powder, put it in a blender and you could get all of your nutritional requirements for the day in one glass ;)
The Burghal Hidage Added Mar 14, 2019 - 10:36am
I do not endorse alcohol for the most part, but if you're going to drink don't be a pussy about it
Stone-Eater Added Mar 14, 2019 - 10:59am
Guinness is not a drink. It's a meal :-)
The Burghal Hidage Added Mar 14, 2019 - 11:37am
A loaf of bread in every bottle :)
Stone-Eater Added Mar 14, 2019 - 1:39pm
Wenn man keine Zähne hat
Geht Guinness runter extrem glatt
rycK the JFK Democrat Added Mar 16, 2019 - 11:49am
Get our of CA