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Well guys, to make a change, let's get our best dark jokes out of the drawer. I start:



A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:

"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

The doctor continues: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, changing her soiled diapers, and tending to her needs constantly, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

At that point, the doctor puts his hand on the man's shoulder, and says, "Naaaah - I'm just kidding, she's dead."


Stone-Eater Added Jan 3, 2016 - 8:12am
That sort of humour doesn't seem to catch on in the US ;-)
EXPAT Added Jan 3, 2016 - 10:53am
A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."
EXPAT Added Jan 3, 2016 - 11:07am
A Texas Joke:
So I was walking around town yesterday and passed by a gun store. Intrigued, I entered to find that everything was half off. I didn't know that Back to School sales had already started.
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Jan 3, 2016 - 1:54pm
Good one Expat :)
Stone-Eater Added Jan 3, 2016 - 2:24pm
No sweat. There's a limit to what I can accept intellectually...;-)
Stone-Eater Added Jan 3, 2016 - 2:25pm
Here's one which could provoke some:
How do you get 100 jews into a VW Beetle ?
In the ash tray.
BTW: That's a jewish joke, even....
Stone-Eater Added Jan 3, 2016 - 2:27pm
What's the smallest cinema on earth ?
The woman.
There's one place only, sack has to be left outside and there's one colored movie each month.
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Jan 3, 2016 - 2:29pm
That's a dark one :)
Stone-Eater Added Jan 3, 2016 - 2:29pm
A bus with black tourists stops on a Swiss alp.
Two old men sitting on the bench outside see them arriving.
Suddenly one gets up hastily, approaches the bus driver and asks breathless:
"Jesus, you had a fire on the bus !!!!"
Stone-Eater Added Jan 3, 2016 - 2:37pm
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Jan 3, 2016 - 2:44pm
Stone-Eater Added Jan 3, 2016 - 2:49pm
What did god say when he created the first black man?
"Shit, I burnt one !"
Stone-Eater Added Jan 3, 2016 - 2:49pm

What happens when you give a black guy a gun? They shoot up a rival gang member
What happens when you give a Mexican guy a gun? They shoot up a rival cartel member
What happens when you give white guy a gun? They shoot up their school.

Stone-Eater Added Jan 3, 2016 - 2:50pm
Enuff. Your turn. My best ones are in German, so please excuse the "wild choice" ;-)
Stone-Eater Added Jan 3, 2016 - 3:08pm
we had these little school jokes such as
The whole class jumps over the canyon.
Only Peter. He missed by one meter.
How do you get 20 African kids into a VW Beetle ?
Throw a bread crumb on the back seat.
EXPAT Added Jan 3, 2016 - 3:15pm
A white woman wanting a new experience and having heard about the size of a black penis picked up a black man in a bar and went to a motel. She said: I always wondered if the rumors about Black men are true? He replied 'Yes they are." then stabbed her and stole her purse
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Jan 3, 2016 - 3:17pm
That's a gem Expat :)
Stone-Eater Added Jan 3, 2016 - 4:57pm
What’s the difference between a jew and a boyscout?
A boyscout can come back from his camp!
Stone-Eater Added Jan 3, 2016 - 5:00pm
A Swiss one...I'll try to find a dark one..
A Texan is taking a walking holiday through the Swiss mountains and is amazed to see what appears to be so many very small farms. He sees a farmer leaning on a gate sucking on his pipe so he approaches him and asks just how big his farm is.

The farmer takes his pipe out of his mouth and points to his apple tree, his barn and his house and tells the Texan that that is the extent of his farm.

The Texan proudly tells the Swiss farmer that back home it takes him over one day to drive round his farm in his truck.

The Swiss farmer sucks on his pipe and nods.

"Yah, I used to have a truck like that"
Cliff M. Added Jan 3, 2016 - 5:01pm
Stone, After being married for 28 years with 2 kids your satire made me giggle and left a smile.thanks!
Stone-Eater Added Jan 3, 2016 - 5:05pm
What is the scariest thing about a white person in prison? You know he did it.
Stone-Eater Added Jan 3, 2016 - 5:09pm
So, this guy's visiting south Africa. He gets blind drunk at a bar and thinking 'fuck it, who will notice?' he starts driving the back roads to his hotel. He sees nothing for miles, so he's getting cocky, speeding, swerving around and he goes wide around a corner and hits two black guys who were walking at the side of the road. One of them crashes through his windshield and the other is knocked flying into a field.
This guy gets out of his car and is is all 'oh my god, oh my god, what have I done?' and then to increase his terror and despair, he sees the flashing of police lights behind him. The cop car stops and the cop gets out, surveying the grisly scene and the guy is apologising ten to the dozen, trying not to slur his words.
The cop holds up a hand and says, "That's alright sir," he points at the man rammed through the windshield, "We'll do that one for breaking and entering and that one for leaving the scene of the crime."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Jan 3, 2016 - 5:14pm
ha ha
Cliff M. Added Jan 3, 2016 - 6:44pm
A guy wakes up and finds a big lump growing out of his lower forehead.What the fuck is this he says. The next day he wakes up and now it has grown 2 inches.Now in a panic he goes to the doctor.He asks the doctor what is this. The doctor tells him he has a penis growing out of the middle of his forehead.He freaks out and says I am not going to be able to bare looking at this. The doctor tells him don't worry you won't be able to see it. The "Balls " are going to cover your eyes.
EXPAT Added Jan 3, 2016 - 9:04pm
After the Black Lives Matter riots in Ferguson, Missouri; the only thing remaining in the looted CVS Pharmacy, was the rack of Father's Day Cards!
Leroy Added Jan 4, 2016 - 5:29am
You might have to have lived in the 70s to understand this one.
A young man finds a magic lamp.  He rubs it and out pops a genie who grants him 3 wishes.  The young man thinks for an instant and wishes, "I want to be white, uptight, and out of sight!"  The genie turns him into a Kotex.
Stone-Eater Added Jan 4, 2016 - 6:24am
Cliff - neat one LOL
Jackie Berkel Added Jan 4, 2016 - 12:31pm
Stone Eater et al, these jokes where hilarious. Nice interlude.
Stone-Eater Added Jan 4, 2016 - 2:32pm
Thanks Jackie. Got a good one ? ;-)
Mark Klaers Added Jan 4, 2016 - 2:40pm
A young girl finds out all her friends are going to the Jonas Brothers concert. She runs home and asks her Dad "Daddy, all my friends are going to the Jonas Brothers concert. It's the biggest thing that EVER happened here! I have to go! Please buy me a ticket."
Her Dad says "You want a ticket...I want a blow job."
Horrified, she exclaimed "GROSS!" "Dad, you can't ask me that!"
"Is what it is. Try getting a job." he says and goes back to watching TV.
At school it's all her friends are talking about. After school's out she tries every business she sees. No one's hiring. When she gets home, she pleads with her dad..."Please Dad, I'll be an absolute pariah if I don't go to the concert."
He replies "You know what I want." Disgusted and disappointed she goes to her room to cry.
At school the day of the concert the talk is more than she can bear. If that's what it's going to take, so be it. When she gets home she pleads one more time "Dad, I'm begging you, don't make me do this!" He looks at her and says "Well, I guess you can watch it online or something."
Resignation sets in. "Alright, I'll do it". But as she begins, there's a horrible taste in her mouth. "Aghhh! Dad, you taste like SH$T!" 
"Yeah," he says. "Your brother really wanted to go to the concert, too!"
Mark Klaers Added Jan 4, 2016 - 4:33pm
Three gay guys, Steve, Bruce and Derek are sitting around their apartment after the cremation service of their boyfriend, Christopher. Since they all had a relationship with Christopher, they decided to divide his ashes equally.
Steve announced to the others ”I’m going to take Christopher’s ashes to Fisherman’s Wharf where we first met and pour them in the ocean.” After Oooos and Ahhhs from the other two, Bruce says “I’m taking Christopher’s ashes to Fire Island where we spent the best weekend of my life.” Again, more Oooos and Ahhs.
Derek pipes up “I’m going to make a huge pot of chili, pour in two bottles of hot sauce, add handfuls of jalapenos, ghost peppers and habaneros.  Then, I’ll pour in Christopher’s ashes and eat the whole pot!” Mortified, his friends exclaim “What the hell! That’s sick! What are you thinking?”
Derek proudly announces “I just want him to tear my ass up one more time!”
Sander de Kool Added Jan 5, 2016 - 1:06am
A couple is laying in bed. The man asks "Can you tell me something that makes me sad and happy in the same time?". The wife is thinking and than says "Well my love, you have the largest dick from all of your friends".
EXPAT Added Jan 5, 2016 - 1:41am
Nice recovery Sander. I was thinking this string was over!
Stone-Eater Added Jan 5, 2016 - 5:10am
Cool one, also Mark's are good :-))
Jackie Berkel Added Jan 5, 2016 - 8:12am
Mark, Oh my God that was Hilarious. Got to share, just got to.
I have nothing, just my assertion that I am laughing and giggling, fit to piss myself.   LOOOOOLL
Mark Klaers Added Jan 5, 2016 - 2:41pm
A hair-lip sees an ad for a salesman position selling toothbrushes door to door. At the interview the boss isn’t crazy about hiring him as this is a face to face business. But he’s a compassionate guy and decides to give the hair-lip a chance.
“Okay” the boss says “Report on Monday and we’ll get you started. Every Friday morning we have a sales meeting where we discuss our numbers and what works and what doesn’t.
When Monday rolls around the hair-lip hits the ground running. However, he ends up not selling a single toothbrush. At the sales meeting the first salesman announces “I sold fifty toothbrushes this week”. The boss is all smiles “That’s great.” He says. The second salesman claims “I sold seventy five toothbrushes!”  “AWESOME!” proclaims the boss. Now it’s the hair-lip’s turn. “I didn’t sell any toothbrushes. Nobody wants to buy a toothbrush from me. ”The boss says “Look, it’s not easy at first. Get out there and double-down on your efforts. Good things will happen, you’ll see.”
When the next Friday comes around the first salesman says ”I had a great week! I sold one hundred toothbrushes!” The second salesman says “I beat that . I sold one hundred and fifty!” The boss is ecstatic. He looks to the hair-lip. ” So, how did it go?” The hair-lip looks down at his shoes…”I didn’t sell any toothbrushes. Nobody wants to by a toothbrush from me. I quit.” Now the boss, feeling sorry for him says “Listen, give it one more week. What you need is a hard sell gimmick. Something no one can say no to. Take the weekend and come up with something. It’ll work. You’ll see.”
It’s Friday again, and the hair-lip can barely contain himself. The first salesman announces “I’ve had my best week ever! I sold two hundred toothbrushes!” “Unbelievable!” says the boss. Not to be outdone the second salesman says “I sold three hundred toothbrushes!” The boss proclaims “I’m giving bonuses to both of you! This is tremendous!” He looks to the hair-lip who before he can ask shouts “I SOLD ONE THOUSAND TOOTHBRUSHES!” Everybody is flabbergasted. “One thousand? What did you do to sell so many?”
The hair-lip says “I came up with a hard sell gimmick, just like you said. I went to the airport and set up a booth with a sign that said “Free Ham Sandwiches”. People would come up, take a bite out of one and say “Hey, this tastes like shit!” and I say IT IS! Want to buy a toothbrush?”
Mark Klaers Added Jan 11, 2016 - 2:33pm
A Little Golf Story

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy Moly, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.."
He practically went into shock.  He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."
Mark Klaers Added Jan 21, 2016 - 6:00am
Subject: Moving To Chicago

Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago , when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking in fear.

"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago . The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you've lived and worked there all those years and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
Stone-Eater Added Jan 21, 2016 - 3:34pm
Hey, that one about the girl is superb ! The one above is probably understandable for Americans only. What's a tail gunner ?
Mark Klaers Added Jan 21, 2016 - 3:40pm
On WWII bombers of all nations there was a guy in the back with a machine gun to keep enemy pilots from attacking the plane from behind.
Mark Klaers Added Jan 21, 2016 - 3:43pm
Here's a better one; 
Final Report on Your Surgery
We are pleased to inform you that the biopsy on the redness on your penis showed it was NOT cancerous. It was lipstick.
We deeply regret the amputation.
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Jan 21, 2016 - 4:56pm
Golf story :)
Mircea Negres Added Jan 22, 2016 - 8:42am
Stone-Eater, that was funny to say the least.
Guys, speaking of South Africa, I met in 1991 a white guy who shot dead five black people for no reason. The court sentenced him to pay a 5000 Rand fine. No joke.
Yeah, the joke about breaking and entering and leaving the scene of a crime sounds about right for the apartheid period. I guess the darker the times, the darker the humor.
Here's an old one, from communist days in Romania:
"Nicolae Ceausescu and his wife Elena get invited for a state visit to England. They get there, are driven in the queen's carriage through London to Buckingham Palace and meet the queen (that actually happened).
After state matters were concluded, the men went with the men for some tea, and the women did their thing. At the tea party, the women begin to talk about what birthday gifts they got from their husbands that year. Elena Ceausescu says "My husband gave me a five-door ARO (Romanian version of the Land Rover of the 1980s) with leather seats, cassette player and CB radio". One lady in waiting says "I got a beautiful diamond and sapphire necklace". The queen says "Prince Phillip gave me a Rembrandt". Elena Ceausescu asks "Was it a four door, or five door?"
Eventually, the ladies go home and Elena's sitting on the bed browsing through a fashion magazine, when in bursts Nicolae Ceausescu in utter panic. "Quick, woman, he says. Where are my swimming trunks?" Elena says "Honey, it's the middle of winter, what the hell are you gonna do with swimming trunks?" Nicolae replies "Woman, stop fucking around, Prince Phillip just invited me to Swan Lake!"
Yup, they really were that uneducated, and they ran a country of 23 million people for over 20 years.  
Stone-Eater Added Jan 22, 2016 - 1:42pm
I doubt it - quite the contrary.....dark jokes aren't everybody's thing ;-)
"Mommy, can I get a cake ?"
"Go and get one"
"But Mommy you know I got no arms!"
"No arms, no cake, I'm afraid."
Bill Kamps Added Jan 22, 2016 - 2:40pm
Three GIs were in a foxhole together, a Polack, a Jew and a Black guy. A mortar lands in their foxhole and kills them all.  The get to the Pearly Gates and St Peter offers them a deal, for $6 they each could go back the foxhole.  The Polack pulls out his wallet and pays the $6 and Poof! back in the foxhole.  The Sargent sees this and asks what happens so the Polack explains.  Then the Sargent asks, what happened to the other two ? 
Well said the Polack, last I saw them, the Jew had him down to $4.50 and the Black guy was out trying to get a loan !
Bill Kamps Added Jan 22, 2016 - 2:43pm
Mark good ones !
Mark Klaers Added Jan 22, 2016 - 2:53pm
Okay, I'm going straight to Hell for this one...
What's the worst part about breaking up with a Japanese person?
You have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.
Mark Klaers Added Jan 22, 2016 - 2:55pm
And since I'm well on my way there...
Why can'y orphans play baseball?
They don't know where home is.
Stone-Eater Added Jan 22, 2016 - 2:59pm
You got the best ones by far :-) Where the hell do you get those ?
Mark Klaers Added Jan 22, 2016 - 3:32pm
Contrary to what many here believe, I got friends. :)
Mark Klaers Added Jan 22, 2016 - 3:33pm
Who's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?
Christopher Walkin.
I like my women like i like my whiskey. 12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
Mark Klaers Added Jan 22, 2016 - 3:35pm
And an oldie but still goodie...
Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn’t wearing a seatbelt!
Stone-Eater Added Jan 22, 2016 - 3:50pm
LOOOOOL, Shit !!
Mark Klaers Added Jan 22, 2016 - 3:52pm
What's white on top and black on the bottom?
Mark Klaers Added Jan 22, 2016 - 3:58pm
Mark Klaers Added Jan 22, 2016 - 4:00pm
After this one I've GOT  to get back to work.
What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I wouldn't pay 40 bucks to have a garbanzo bean on my face.
William Stockton Added Jan 22, 2016 - 4:04pm
Wondering who loves you more?  Your woman or your dog?
Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour and see which one is happy to see you when you open it!
William Stockton Added Jan 22, 2016 - 11:29pm
Mark, Id say you win so far.  Hilarious.
William Stockton Added Jan 23, 2016 - 1:53am
When I die I want to die in my sleep like my Grandpa... not shouting and screaming like the people in his car.
Stone-Eater Added Jan 23, 2016 - 4:51am
Don't have a dark one just now, but:
What's the smallest theater in the world ? The cunt. Only one place, you have to leave the bag outside and there's one color movie each month.
Leroy Added Jan 23, 2016 - 4:57am
Old age is catching up with us, Stoney :-)
Stone-Eater Added Jan 23, 2016 - 4:58am
Right. In march I'll be 58. Can't believe it, really...
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Jan 23, 2016 - 5:06am
Stone, we can wear the "bag" :)
Stone-Eater Added Jan 23, 2016 - 5:09am
Not you. When your picture is accurate, you're way younger :-)
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Jan 23, 2016 - 5:21am
"What's the smallest theater in the world ? The cunt. Only one place, you have to leave the bag outside and there's one color movie each month."
I was referring to that bag :)
Leroy Added Jan 23, 2016 - 6:02am
"Right. In march I'll be 58. Can't believe it, really..."
We're only a few months apart.
Stone-Eater Added Jan 23, 2016 - 6:45am
So this is not
Stone-Eater Added Jan 23, 2016 - 6:46am
I guess we all are young in mind when we want to. Mind does not age as long as you keep it trained :-)
Bill Kamps Added Jan 23, 2016 - 9:54am
Two Irishmen walked out of a bar ......
No, really it could happen !
Cliff M. Added Jan 23, 2016 - 10:18am
Here's a dark joke for ya! It' snowing 2 inches an hour by me and we could wind up with 2 feet.
Cliff M. Added Jan 23, 2016 - 10:19am
Bill i'll give you stumbling but walking is a bit of a stretch.
Stone-Eater Added Jan 23, 2016 - 11:23am
You're in that blizzard area ?
Cliff M. Added Jan 23, 2016 - 1:08pm
Stone,North Jersey, seven miles west of NYC
Stone-Eater Added Jan 23, 2016 - 2:20pm
Oh shit. Got ski at home, I hope :-) 
Cliff M. Added Jan 23, 2016 - 3:03pm
Stone, I was a ski bum when I was a kid.This is primetime if you 're a skier. We have gotten 1/4 of an inch of snow so far this year. This could amount to well over 2 feet.The trouble around here is you run out of places to put the shit.
Stone-Eater Added Jan 23, 2016 - 3:34pm
Two feet we get easily in Switzerland each year, although not in the cities. I was never into winter really, I prefer sunshine and the sea.
What's the favorite sea cruise nowadays ? From Syria to Italy in the Mediterranian. In Syria you're not trendy when you haven't done that yet.
Sander de Kool Added Jan 24, 2016 - 3:56am
What's the smallest book in the world?
100 years of German humor.  
Sander de Kool Added Jan 24, 2016 - 3:59am
An other version of the VW joke, also heard from a jew.
How do you get 100 jews in to a VW Beetle? You tell them that Hitler is coming.
And how do you get them out? You tell them that it is running on gaz.
Bill Kamps Added Jan 24, 2016 - 9:24am
Whats the difference between Heaven and Hell ?
In Heaven the Brits are the police, the French are the cooks, the Italians are the lovers, the Germans are the mechanics and its all run by the Swiss.
In Heaven the Brits are the cooks, the French are the mechanics, the Germans are the police, the Swiss are the lovers and its all run by the Italians !
Stone-Eater Added Jan 24, 2016 - 10:10am
How many Americans does one need to change a lightbulb ?
Five. One which holds the bulb and 4 which turn him around :-)
Cliff M. Added Jan 24, 2016 - 10:15am
Did you hear about the Polish counterfitters?They were making $2 dollar bills by rubbing the zero's off of $20's.
Stone-Eater Added Jan 24, 2016 - 10:39am
What can you do with dead Black people ? Diving suits.
Sander de Kool Added Jan 24, 2016 - 4:51pm
A man tells his wife to wait for him all day completly nude. Than she askes him "but what when the mailman comes". "The mailman?" he sayes. "Well, fuck him, give him a dollar". 
So the next day when the mailman arrives, she opens the door, completly naked, fucks him and gives him a dollar. 
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Jan 24, 2016 - 5:10pm
Mark Klaers Added Jan 25, 2016 - 6:12am
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out out his fly (zipper for non-Americans). 
The bartender looks at him and says "Hey buddy, you know you got a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate angerly replies "RRRRR, yes! And it's driving me nuts!"
Mark Klaers Added Jan 25, 2016 - 6:20am
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a rag-headed Muslim with a knife, sneaking through my next door neighbour's garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.  Astonished, I got back into bed.
My wifesaid, "You're upset, what is it?"
“You'll never believe what I've just seen,” I said.  “That son of a bitch next door still has my shovel.”
Cliff M. Added Jan 25, 2016 - 8:08am
Good one Mark!
Mark Klaers Added Jan 25, 2016 - 8:29am
Over the weekend my girlfriend and I had a fight. At the end of it she called me a pedophile and stormed out of the room. All I could think of was "That's a pretty big word for a nine year old!"
Mark Klaers Added Jan 25, 2016 - 1:17pm
I'm addicted to Trebor Extra Strong Mints.

Apparently I've got menthol health issues.
Mark Klaers Added Jan 25, 2016 - 4:06pm
I was watching the God channel with my disabled little sister the other day. After around thirty minutes, she rose from her wheelchair and walked across the room.

I stood up and screamed, "it's a miracle."

She turned round and replied, "no, I just can't stand to listen to this shit anymore," turned the TV off and collapsed in a heap in the middle of the room.
Mark Klaers Added Jan 25, 2016 - 4:14pm
I'm having to dig up some of my older ones...
What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
 The fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out.
It's time to go!
Mark Klaers Added Jan 29, 2016 - 11:45am
Since it's the anniversary of the Challenger Disaster...
What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts.
What color were Christie McAullife's eyes? Blue. One blew this way, one blew that way.
I heard Christie McAullife had dandruff. Yeah, we found her Head and Shoulders on the beach.
Mark Klaers Added Jan 29, 2016 - 2:49pm
A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the as a protitute. After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "how did you do?". She says, "I did pretty well, I made $200.50". He asks, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" and she replies "all of them".
Mark Klaers Added Jan 29, 2016 - 3:00pm
What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

I used to be a sadistic necrophiliac with a penchant for bestiality, but I realized I was just beating a dead horse.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?
Neither have they.

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop jerking off. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
Mark Klaers Added Jan 29, 2016 - 3:15pm
A little boy wakes up in the middle of the night and walks into his parents room and sees them having sex. The little boy, traumatized, runs out of the room crying. "You should go check on him, thats really going to be something you need to explain," said the mother. The father laughed it off with a traditional "he will get over it," and continued to chuckle about the whole situation.
After some additional prodding from the mother the father agrees to go talk to the little boy. As he is walking down the hallway to his sons room he hears an empty thumping sound coming from his sons room. Thump - Thump - squish - Thump- Thump The father, very confused, slams the door open and sees his son balls deep, pounding the shit out of his grandmothers asshole. Just really going to town on it.
The father screams "What the hell are you doing?" The boy replies, "It's not so funny when its your mom, is it?"
Jackie Berkel Added Feb 2, 2016 - 10:02am
Mark, I need you on speed dial for a daily fix.
Mark Klaers Added Feb 2, 2016 - 10:06am
Get ready then...
Mark Klaers Added Feb 2, 2016 - 10:08am
Zebo, a half blind 5 year old African orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.
Please give just a small donation of 2 dollars and we will send you the video it's fucking hilarious!!!

Mark Klaers Added Feb 2, 2016 - 10:10am
I parked in a disabled space today and a cop shouted to me...

"Hey, whats your disability?"

I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off asshole!"

Mark Klaers Added Feb 2, 2016 - 10:15am
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"

When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so that I could make love to her.

When I grew up, I realised that God didn't work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the Christmas decorations and found a present I forgot to give my kids last year. Their excited faces were a picture as they unwrapped it and opened the box.
Such a pity it was a puppy

Mark Klaers Added Feb 4, 2016 - 1:11pm
What do you call a black guy flying an airplane?
The pilot, you racist fuck.
What has four legs and one arm? A Pitbull in a playground.
What did Jesus do when he got to the Holiday Inn?
He threw some nails down on the counter and asked,
“Can you put me up for the night?”
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
A dirty old man pulls up in his car beside a little boy.
Holding a bag full of sweets, he says, “Hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy, will you come in my car?”
The little boy replies, “Hell mister, give me the whole bag and I’ll come in your mouth!”
Mark Klaers Added Feb 5, 2016 - 6:00pm
A man cheats on his girlfriend Lorraine with a woman named Clearly.
Lorraine dies suddenly.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a piece of cork up his ass.
''Why do you have a cork up your ass?''
''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, "No s**t?'''
A guy calls in sick  "Boss I am not coming into work to day because I am sick.
The boss replies "How sick are you?"
The guy answers  "Well I'm in bed with my sister."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Feb 5, 2016 - 6:02pm
ha ha
Cliff M. Added Feb 5, 2016 - 6:54pm
Mark , your humor is turning into a daily read!
Mark Klaers Added Feb 8, 2016 - 5:41am
I got to hand it to SEF, this was a good idea!
Mark Klaers Added Feb 8, 2016 - 3:56pm
What's the difference between Bernie Sanders and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes.
My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support.
Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast. (I AM SO GOING TO HELL!)
What's got 5 arms, 3 legs and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present. (YEAH, I'M SURE I'M ALREADY THERE)
Mark Klaers Added Feb 8, 2016 - 4:43pm
One more time! A buddy I haven't heard from in awhile sent these to me. I thought about posting them tomorrow but there just too funny!
How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? By putting flowers on the grave.
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.
Mark Klaers Added Feb 9, 2016 - 2:57pm
How did Jesus really die??
He went into Somalia saying I am the bread of life.

I can't think of anything worse, after a night of drinking, than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they are dead.

Why don't black people go on cruises?
They're not falling for that one again.

What's the difference between a gay guy and a microwave?
A microwave won't brown your sausage.
Mark Klaers Added Feb 10, 2016 - 3:51pm
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
Whats the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew?
Harry made it out of the chamber.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
So men can be open minded
How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday?
By putting flowers on the grave.
So I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.
Mark Klaers Added Feb 11, 2016 - 1:54pm
Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose. "Yeah. What's it called?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to her friend again. "Does that smell like come to you?"
A woman goes to her doctor and says "I really want to have my labia size reduced, they're just too big and I think men are grossed out by it. I'm sick of being single and need it to look a little more normal. But I need this to stay confidential! No one can know I had this surgery."
Doctor says "Sure, everything confidential here, it's just between you and I."
The woman goes to the hospital for her surgery, and afterwards wakes up in the recovery room to see three vases of flowers on the table next to her bed. She freaks out, wondering how anyone knew about this if it was so confidential.
The doctor walks in and she is livid. She immediatly yells "What's with these flowers? I thought this was just between you and I!"
The doctor says, "Now, now, I can explain. The first bouquet of flowers is from me, I do this for all my patients."
"And the second vase?!" she says?
"That's from the hospital, they do this for everyone in recovery. They have no idea what you're here for, it's no problem."
"Well than what about the third one!" she screams.
The doctor hesitates, then says "Oh. Thoser are from a boy in the burn unit. He loves his new ears."
What’s so good about an Ethiopian blow job?  
You just KNOW she’ll swallow.
Mark Klaers Added Feb 12, 2016 - 10:57am
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
 "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained.
"I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his
testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in
extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
 "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...
As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed
oral sex on him.
 Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
 Again the doctor spoke very calmly:
 "Same illness, better health plan. "
I asked 100 women what shower soap they were using and the most popular response was..."HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET IN HERE!"
Jackie Berkel Added Feb 15, 2016 - 11:22am
LOL. Mark Mark Mark. Love them all.
Mark Klaers Added Feb 15, 2016 - 12:55pm

Dan wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Dan is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Dan had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, was a single red rose!! Dan sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean; so is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.

Dan asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed.... 
"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. ..
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant. 
She is furious... Here she is -- in the middle of her
election campaign --now this has happened to her!
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:

"You bastard! How could you have let this happen?
With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! 
How could you? I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and
it's all your fault!.....
Well, what have you got to say?"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.
She screams again, "Did you hear me?"
Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper:
"Who is this?"
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Feb 15, 2016 - 12:58pm
Nice one :)
Mark Klaers Added Feb 15, 2016 - 4:57pm
Why do you wrap gerbels in duct tape?
So they don't explode when you fuck them.

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Feb 15, 2016 - 5:10pm
ROFL - Rolling on the floor in laughter :)
Cliff M. Added Feb 15, 2016 - 5:19pm
Mark the  one went about the gerbils went over the line.Hysterical!
Mark Klaers Added Feb 16, 2016 - 2:39pm
A young brave was being inducted through his manhood ceremony to join the warriors of the tribe. He was faced with three tents.
In the first one was a gallon of plum wine, which he had to drink in one go. In the second was a mountain lion with toothache; he had to remove the painful tooth. In the third was a woman who had never had an orgasm, who he had to pleasure.
The young brave entered the first tent, and after a while staggered out, very drunk, holding the empty wine skin. The warriors all applauded.
The young brave then staggered into the second tent with the tribal members all holding their breath. There were terrible screams and growls, which got worse and worse as time went on, culminating in such a loud shriek that the tribe was convinced the young brave must be dead.
But finally the young brave staggered out, bruised and bleeding, and said, "Now take me to the woman with a toothache...."
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. 
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a dildo. 
She goes ballistic, "You impotent bastard! How could you lie to me all these years?" 
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....." 
A little boy is having a bath with his Dad and asks, "Daddy, what's the difference in our willie's?"
His Dad says, "Well for a start son, mine's is erect"
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Feb 16, 2016 - 4:07pm
Toy - classic!
Cliff M. Added Feb 16, 2016 - 6:33pm
My first girlfriend choked to death. It was a bad blow.
Mark Klaers Added Feb 17, 2016 - 6:02am
What do you do if you see an epileptic having a seizure in the bathtub?
Throw in a load of laundry, of course. 
I had a friend that said he didn't like my joke about the epileptic in the bathtub because his brother was an epileptic and died in the bathtub.
"Oh, my!" I said, "Did he drown?"
"Nah, he choked on a sock." 
Losing my virginity was much when I learned to ride a bike…my dad having a firm grip on my shoulders.
A daughter asks her dad if she can have a sleep-over with her girlfriends and he agrees. Later on, he over-hears their game of truth or dare to which the daughter’s friend asks her when the last time she had an orgasm. The daughter replied “Oh, three days ago.” Her dad bursts into the room and screams “I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING IT LAST NIGHT!”
A Chinese couple get married and on the honeymoon the husband wants to really impress his wife by being extra attentive. He says “Anything you desire I will do. ANYTHING!” After thinking about it for a minute she demurs “I’ve heard a lot about 69…I think I would like to try it.”
Mark Klaers Added Feb 18, 2016 - 4:33pm
John goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown". John just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok?" In a very weak voice John says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." John said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"
Mark Klaers Added Feb 18, 2016 - 4:39pm
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.
One guy says to the other, "Man, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy says, "Don't you think you ought to pet him first?"

A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler.
The little boy asks: ’Can I have a beer Grandpa?’
Grandpa replies: ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’
The little boy answered: ’No Grandpa. It’s just a little pecker’.
Gramps says: ’Well then, you’re not man enough to have a beer’.
A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar.
The little boy asks: ’Can I have a cigar Grandpa?’
Once again, Grandpa asks: ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’
Once again the little boy replies, ’No, it’s too little’.
Gramps replies, ’Then you’re not man enough to have a cigar’.
A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies.
Grandpa asks, ’Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?’
The boy ask, ’Can your pecker touch your ass?’
Gramps replies , ’Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass’.
The little boy replies, ’Then go fuck yourself’. Grandma made these for me’
Jackie Berkel Added Feb 19, 2016 - 10:23am
I check in daily and every one is a gem.  
Mark Klaers Added Feb 19, 2016 - 1:10pm
 What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
 Brothel sprouts.
A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.
The thief was spending less than his wife.
 Who's the world's greatest athlete?
 The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier. Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home," says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier. The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm," she says. "Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
Mark Klaers Added Feb 22, 2016 - 1:50pm
There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies. When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre. When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremendously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off. When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, "Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them." He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point. They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers "Duke!" and sits back down. "Great!" he thought. "They really think it's the dog!" So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers. Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts "Duke!" and sits back down. Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. "Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!"
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?" The neighbor replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Feb 22, 2016 - 4:18pm
Duke is really good!
Mark Klaers Added Feb 23, 2016 - 8:19am
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball. The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night. The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks." The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch." The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute home to my wife." The first guy exclaims, "You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
Mark Klaers Added Feb 24, 2016 - 9:19am
What’s the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting caught up in the wheelchair.
A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
“Mummy,” the first daughter asks. “Why am I called Rose?”
“Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead.”
“Mummy,” asked the second daughter. “Why am I called Tulip?”
“Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead.”
The third daughter moaned: “Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!”
“Be quiet Fridge,” said the mother.
A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what’s wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.
“What a coincidence!” exclaimed the woman. “My boyfriend just left me for the same reason.”
The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ball gag in hand only to see the man about to leave.
“Where are you going?” she asked. “I thought you were kinky.”
“I am,” he replied. “I fucked your cat and just took a shit in your purse. I’m going home now.”
Mark Klaers Added Feb 25, 2016 - 2:04pm
How do you get a one-armed clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, “Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!”
“No,” replies the man. “She just sort of lays there.”
An old man goes for a checkup at the doctor’s. The doctor runs the tests then sits the old man down.
“I’m very sorry,” he says. “I’ve got a couple of bits of bad news to impart. Firstly, you have cancer.”
The old man is shocked and a tear wells up in his eye. The doctor waits for a minute for the news to sink in and then carries on, “And you are also showing early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. I’m really, very sorry.”
The old man sits in silence for a little while longer, head hung down. Finally he looks up and puts a brave smile on his face.
“I suppose it could be worse,” he says. “I could have cancer.”
Mark Klaers Added Feb 26, 2016 - 2:37pm
What the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil was the first man to walk on the moon , Michael Jackson fucks kids.
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
 What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years, your job will still suck.
Mark Klaers Added Feb 29, 2016 - 9:00am
 What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
Why do women have orgasms?
Just another reason to moan, really.
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things, literally.
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Feb 29, 2016 - 9:05am
Belly laugh :)
Mark Klaers Added Mar 1, 2016 - 8:39am
     A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so he thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.
     The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said "no no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."
     This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
     "Boy," is the man's response.
     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
     The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
     The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Mar 1, 2016 - 12:58pm
Cliff M. Added Mar 1, 2016 - 1:00pm
Here's a real dark joke, Clinton vs Trump in the general election .
Mark Klaers Added Mar 2, 2016 - 3:01pm
A Father asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
     A physician saw one of his patients on the street. He tipped his hat and greeted her. "Good morning Mrs. Pfeifer. Did those suppositories I prescribed alleviate your problem?"
     "Doctor", she answered with a wry smile, "For all the good those things did me, I could have stuck them up my ass."
Mark Klaers Added Mar 3, 2016 - 5:37am
     A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her  boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
     Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
      At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack. "I'm really going to put it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist.
      The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
      That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
      A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
     The boy turns and whispers back;
     "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Mark Klaers Added Mar 3, 2016 - 9:36am
Mark Klaers Added Mar 4, 2016 - 4:49am
Middle age women says to her husband, "So what did you think of me when we first started dating?"
Husband says, "I wanted to suck your tits dry and f*#k your brains out."
Wife says, "Oh really, so what do you think of me now?"
Husband says, "Well, I think I did a pretty good job."

Jesus decided he wanted to go fishing with his dad, so he and God got up early one morning and rowed out on the lake. 
When they were a few feet from the beach, God said "I forgot the sandwiches", so Jesus hopped out of the boat, to walk on water back to get the cooler. He sank up to his waist. 
"Look Dad", said JC, "I can't walk on water anymore." 
"Nonsense son," said God, "You're the messiah, you can do anything."
"But I sank as soon as I hit the water" said JC.
"You just need a head start", said God, so JC jumped in the boat and God rowed them out to the middle of the lake. 
JC stood up on the edge of the boat, said "Here goes" and stepped off, immediately sinking to the bottom and disappearing.
God paused for a minute and then said to himself, "I'm pretty sure he didn't have those holes in his feet when he pulled that off the first time."
Mark Klaers Added Mar 7, 2016 - 1:13pm
   A guy walks into a bar and says, "If I show you something you've never seen before will you give me a free drink?" The bartender thought he had nothing to lose so he said, " sure."
   The dude pulls out a ten inch pianist playing a piano. The bar tender was amazed and slid him 2 drinks. "Where did you get the 10 inch pianist from? "The bartender asked still amazed.
   "I have a genie" says the dude, "I have one wish you want it?"
   "YES" said the bar tender. The guy thinks about it and says, "BE CAREFUL...He's hard of hearing."
   "I wish for a million Bucks!" Said the bartender and suddenly 1,000,000 ducks appeared. "I wished bucks not ducks!" the bartender screamed.
   Then the guy says "You don't think I wished for a ten inch pianist do you?"
A man is involved in a shipwreck and is stranded on an island with nothing but a pig and a dog. After 6 months or so, the guy starts to feel a little"amorous". So he looks at the pig and says to himself, "what the hell? who's gonna know" So he takes off his pants, walks up behind the pig and starts... well.. you know... boinkin the oinker. Suddenly the dog attacks him and continues to do so until he stops.... Another 6 months go by and the guy is going crazy with need. So he tries doing the pig again only to be attacked once more by the dog. Yet another several months go by when this BEAUTIFUL woman washes up on shore - naked as the day she was born. One problem, she is not breathing. Quickly the guy gives her mouth to mouth. He nurses her back to health. One day whe he is tending her she looks up at him (STILL NAKED) and says.. in a breathy, sultry voice... "you have saved my life. Any thing you want, it is yours. Any desire you   have... ask. Anything... anything at all." The guy looks at her lustfully and says... "YEAH! Can you hold that damned dog?" 
Mark Klaers Added Mar 8, 2016 - 8:17am
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a
rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and
said, "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen."

Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of her hamburger. She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress. One Texan said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!"
The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," replied the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no. He then said, "Can you speak?"
When again she shook her head no, he promptly pulled up her skirt and licked her on the butt. The young woman was so shocked that she immediately coughed up the obstruction and was able to breathe!
Upon sitting back down on the stool by his friend, the Texan remarked, "Funny how that Hind-Lick Maneuver always works!"
Mark Klaers Added Mar 9, 2016 - 9:07am
A MAN WAS DOING SOME YARD WORK. Meanwhile his wife was preparing to take a
shower. The husband couldn't find his rake and realized his wife had used it the day before and might know its whereabouts. Rather than take the time to walk back into the house and up the stairs, he stood below the master bath window and shouted, 
"Honey, where's the damned rake?"

Sure enough, the wife heard his voice through the noise of her shower, stuck her head out of the shower door, and yelled in the direction of the bathroom window, "What?" 
Realizing, however, that her husband's voice still wouldn't be audible, the wife stepped out of the shower, tiptoed to the window and leaned out. "What?" she called out again.

Figuring that there was no way, short of tearing his vocal cords, she was going to make out what he was asking, the husband had the brilliant idea of resorting to signals to convey his intentions. So, he first pointed to his eye, then his knee, and finally used his arms to make a raking motion.      ("eye - kneed - rake")

The wife watched this and made an "ok" sign with her thumb and forefinger.
Then she signaled back by first pointing to her eye, then to her left breast, then to her butt, and finally to her crotch.

Her husband watched this dumb show, shook his head, and turned his palms upward in a manner that conveyed he had no idea what she had just "said."
She repeated her signals, again to no avail. So the exasperated husband trudged into his house and up the stairs to the bathroom. "What the friggin' hell was that supposed to mean?" he growled at his wife.

His wife giggled and, repeating her signals for emphasis, replied, 
Mark Klaers Added Mar 10, 2016 - 12:08pm
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently", she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered: "Is that one word or two?"
Mark Klaers Added Mar 14, 2016 - 8:22am
What is the ultimate rejection?
When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep
How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an
Call her and tell her where you are.
What's the difference between a BONUS and a PENIS?
Your wife will blow your bonus.
If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks
in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely.
Mark Klaers Added Mar 15, 2016 - 1:01pm
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring her a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Mar 15, 2016 - 2:22pm
Poetic :)
Mark Klaers Added Mar 16, 2016 - 12:14pm
I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim girl with the most amazingly colored parrot perched on her shoulder.
"Where did you get that from?" I asked.
"Germany. There's f ---ing thousands of 'em!" said the parrot.
Mark Klaers Added Mar 21, 2016 - 2:58pm
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his latex gloves. “Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked. “No, I don’t,” she replied. “Well,” he spoofed, “there’s a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank,dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size. ”She didn’t crack a smile. “Oh, well. I tried,” he thought. But five minutes later, during the procedure she burst out laughing. “What’s so funny?” he asked. “I was just envisioning how condoms are made!”
A woman went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit. She says to the undertaker “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?” “Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the undertaker replied. The wife smiled at the man. He continued, “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads.”
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Mar 21, 2016 - 7:11pm
Mark Klaers Added Mar 22, 2016 - 8:57am

A man decides to have a facelift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a news stand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch and asks the clerk the same question. The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29". "I'm actually 47." Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I'm 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thinks, what the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47." Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonald's."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Mar 22, 2016 - 9:07am
Poor guy :)
Mark Klaers Added Mar 23, 2016 - 5:51am
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a  red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo !
 So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
 The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
 When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
 The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole !" 
 Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
 On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
 Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client ?"
 Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
 Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make ?"
 "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
 "What does the "AH" stand for, officer ?" 
 "Aggressive and hostile, Sir." 
 "Aggressive and hostile ?" 
 "Yes, Sir.
 "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole ?"
 Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client ?
Mark Klaers Added Mar 24, 2016 - 10:25am
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”
“Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”
“You’re darn right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Mark Klaers Added Mar 28, 2016 - 4:43pm
An elderly couple go to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husband’s ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. He came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Mar 28, 2016 - 4:45pm
Mark Klaers Added Mar 29, 2016 - 4:01pm
My best friend got really mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister’s panties. It didn’t help she was still wearing them. Or that all of his family was there, too.
It made the rest of the funeral really awkward.
My wife’s biological clock is ticking. Every time she sees a small child she wants to have sex. Finally, we got something in common!
My little sister’s cat died. She cried and cried and said she wanted another one just like it. So, I got her another one. I still don’t know what she wants with two dead cats.
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Mar 29, 2016 - 4:13pm
That's hilarious :)
Mark Klaers Added Mar 30, 2016 - 4:15pm
A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the abdomen. Luckily, the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. She gives birth to two healthy daughters and a son.
They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears "What's wrong?" asks the mother.
"I was urinating and this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later, her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," says the mother, " I know what were urinating, and a bullet came out."
"No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Mar 30, 2016 - 5:04pm
Mark Klaers Added Mar 31, 2016 - 8:19am
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," an d Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted.
Jackie Berkel Added Mar 31, 2016 - 8:41am
BELLY LAUGH. I've got to share this one. Your getting full credit. 1st and last thing I check at office is a joke from you to carry me through day with a smile. Thank you Mark.
Mark Klaers Added Mar 31, 2016 - 9:35am
For you Jackie, anything. I got a couple coming that are quite good.
Mark Klaers Added Apr 1, 2016 - 9:45am
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. The barman replies, "Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent."
"ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Apr 1, 2016 - 9:50am
Mark Klaers Added Apr 4, 2016 - 1:39pm
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.  She went back to find out what was going on.  He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.  The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.  He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.  "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. 
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Mark Klaers Added Apr 5, 2016 - 8:38am
A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nothing in sight but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35".
He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35". He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches".
Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Many times a night".
Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."
Jackie Berkel Added Apr 5, 2016 - 8:45am
Anyone passing will think i'm a lunatic. This one cracked me up, still cackling.
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Apr 5, 2016 - 8:54am
Phew! ;)
Mark Klaers Added Apr 6, 2016 - 1:29pm
"What seems to be the problem?" asked her doctor."Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."
The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said
"Those aren't  postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas" 
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Apr 6, 2016 - 1:54pm
Mark Klaers Added Apr 7, 2016 - 5:56am
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"
Only one word leapt to mind. "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Apr 7, 2016 - 6:07am
Mark Klaers Added Apr 11, 2016 - 8:26am
One day, Andy's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the receptionist told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. Andy said that this was absurd, but the receptionist insisted and Andy complied.
15 minutes later, Andy was ushered in to see the doctor. "So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said. "The receptionist must have told you," said Andy, wondering how the Doctor knew. "No. It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents. Andy didn't believe a word of this but he did agree to provide another urine sample for the follow up visit.
Two days later, Andy was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. Andy decided to have a little fun with the doctor. Andy peed in the bottle as did his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a brainstorm. Andy put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the doctor’s office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the receptionist.
This time his urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, Andy was ushered in to see the doctor. The doctor looked at him and said, "I've got some bad news, wiseguy. Your daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D., your car is about to blow a gasket, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Apr 11, 2016 - 8:31am
That's a good one to recharge for the rest of today :)
Mark Klaers Added Apr 12, 2016 - 7:07am
The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh sir, did you know that your barracks door was open." He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.
He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"
Mark Klaers Added Apr 13, 2016 - 1:42pm
An Amish lady was driving her horse drawn buggy to town with her young son when she was stopped by a highway patrol officer.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer, "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," said the Amish lady, "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as we return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed that one of the reins to your horse is tied around your horse's testicles. Some might consider this to be ‘cruelty to animals' so you'd best have your husband check this, too."
"Again I thank thee," said the Amish lady, "I shall have my husband check this also when I return home."
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector and her husband said that he would repair it immediately. "Also," said the Amish lady, "the policeman said that there was something wrong with our emergency brake."
Mark Klaers Added Apr 14, 2016 - 6:52am
These two are for you, Jackie;
1) You can GET chocolate.
2) "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3) Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4) You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5) You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6) You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7) If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8) Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9) The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10) You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11) You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12) You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13) With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14) Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15) You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16) Good chocolate is easy to find.
17) You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18) You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19) When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20) With chocolate size doesn't matter.
They're plugged into a genius

They don't have time

They don't stop for directions

A vibrator can't mow the lawn

They don't have a penis to put it in

They're intended for children, but men usually end up playing with them

Their balls fall over their assholes causing vapor lock

It's sex with someone they love

So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties

You need a rough draft before the final copy

So he can tell if he's coming or going

Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Apr 14, 2016 - 7:04am
Not sure if that was only for Jeanne but I got a good laugh out of it :) Emergency brake is too good!
Jackie Berkel Added Apr 14, 2016 - 9:08am
Yeah the emergency brakes cracked me up as well.
Mark your a gem Thank you.
Mark Klaers Added Apr 15, 2016 - 6:48am
A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you might expect, decided to check out the brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a union house."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, then, gesturing to an obese fifty-five year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Apr 15, 2016 - 6:56am
Mark Klaers Added Apr 18, 2016 - 8:11am
Sam was a college professor for 25 years and finally got sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, he was finishing dinner when someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a 300 lb., six-foot-three-inch tall bearded man in a fur hat and overalls standing there.
"Name's Lars... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great," said Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars was leaving he stopped, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... after 25 years of teaching college kids, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he started to leave Lars stopped. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
Sam said, "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Lars turned from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem!" said Sam, "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear?"
Lars stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Apr 18, 2016 - 8:57am
Jackie Berkel Added Apr 18, 2016 - 9:46am
Mark Klaers Added Apr 19, 2016 - 6:15am
I met an older woman at a bar last night.
She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'
We drank a bit more, and then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'.
We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ' still awake?'
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Apr 19, 2016 - 11:11am
Mark Klaers Added Apr 20, 2016 - 8:46am
A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to break into show biz, so the agent says "Okay, kid, show me what you do."
The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent.
"Great kid! Just great!" says the agent. "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on TV." (This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?"
The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian."
"'Scuse me?" questions the agent.
"My name is Penis Van Lesbian," again replies the young man.
"Hey, I'm sorry, kid, but you're gonna have to change your name. Nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian." Well, the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent.
A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?"
With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it."
"Great, kid, great! What's your new name?"
"Dick Van Dyke."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Apr 20, 2016 - 8:57am
Mark Klaers Added Apr 21, 2016 - 7:34am
One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter promptly replied, "Si senor! Sometimes the bull wins!"
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Apr 21, 2016 - 7:36am
Mark Klaers Added Apr 22, 2016 - 5:51am
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Mark Klaers Added Apr 25, 2016 - 5:58am
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway in Nevada when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought.
Soon, he sees another sign which says: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES. He slowly begins to think that the signs are for real when he drives past third sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT.
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
The nun leads him down a hallway, then stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Apr 25, 2016 - 6:04am
We're such suckers :)
Mark Klaers Added Apr 26, 2016 - 7:21am
An Eskimo brought his disabled snowmobile to a mechanic for service.
"Looks like you blew a seal," the grease monkey said.
"Oh, no, no," the Eskimo replied, "that's just frost on my mustache."
Jackie Berkel Added Apr 26, 2016 - 9:39am
Spot on hilarious, sharing x10. Hahahahhahahahhaa 
Mark Klaers Added Apr 27, 2016 - 8:27am
A 90-year old man went to the doctor's and asked for a sperm count. "It can't be very high, " the doctor said. "There's really no need for it."
But the old man still wanted it all the same. "All right then," the doctor said. She went to her cabinet, got out a small container, and gave it to the man. "Take this jar home, do a little jobby in the jar, and bring it back here."
A week later, the doctor was coming out of her office when she found the old man and his wife sitting in the waiting room. They handed her the jar. "But the jar is empty," she said after looking at it. "I told you that you had to do a little jobby in the jar in order for me to get the sperm count."
"Doc," the man began. "I tried it with my right hand, I tried it with my left hand. My wife tried it with her right hand, and tried it with her left hand. She even tried it with her teeth out. But that damn lid just wouldn't come off!"
A surgeon came to see his patient on the morning after her operation. The young woman asked him, somewhat hesitantly, how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that question after a tonsillectomy!"
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Apr 27, 2016 - 8:32am
Mark Klaers Added Apr 28, 2016 - 8:51am
This is one of my favorites;
Did you hear about the heavy set guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked.
Then, one day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:
Lose weight, Only $1.00 a pound, Call (202) 555-0238
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?"
The man responded, "Ten pounds."
The voice replied, "Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me."
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, "Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" to which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, "Twenty pounds."
"Very well," the voice on the phone told him, "Give me your credit card number and we"ll have a representative over to your house in the morning."
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, "If you catch me, you can have me." The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, "Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself." He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!
"This is fantastic!" he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, "How much weight do you want to lose?" "Fifty pounds!" the man exclaimed. "Fifty pounds?" the voice asked, "That"s an awful lot of weight to lose at one time." The man replied, "Listen buddy, here"s my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning!" and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative.
At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating,
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Apr 28, 2016 - 9:01am
Greed can bite :)
Mark Klaers Added Apr 29, 2016 - 6:44am
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love.
Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Apr 29, 2016 - 6:58am
Mark Klaers Added May 2, 2016 - 6:40am
A mobster had found the perfect person to keep his books: a deaf-mute CPA. Whenever the mobster and the accountant needed to communicate, the accountant's brother, who was one of the mobster's lawyers, would use sign language and serve as an interpreter. One day the mobster realized his books were short $3 million. He called in the two brothers. Looking at the lawyer and pointing to the accountant, he screamed, "You tell this SOB I want to know where my money is!"
The brothers conversed briefly, and the lawyer reported that his brother had no idea what the mobster was talking about. Furious, the mobster put a gun to the accountant's head and screamed at the lawyer brother, "Tell this bastard that he lets me know -- right now -- where the money is or I'll blow his brains out!"
The lawyer told this to his brother, who immediately explained -- in frantic sign language -- that the money was hidden in a suitcase under his basement steps.
"Well? What'd he say?" yelled the mobster.
The lawyer shrugged, "He says you don't have the balls."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added May 2, 2016 - 6:51am
Some brother!
Mark Klaers Added May 3, 2016 - 2:10pm
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added May 3, 2016 - 2:45pm
Mark Klaers Added May 4, 2016 - 9:43am
"Hello mom, I need your advice. I have some of my boyfriend's cum stuck in my hair. How do I get it out? Will I have to cut it out?"
Text from mom to daughter:
"It’s nice you can send me such a frank text. No, you won't have to cut it out. I've had loads of cum in my hair over the years and it will just wash out."
Daughter back to mom:
"OMG, mom.....sorry, I misspelled gum."
Mark Klaers Added May 5, 2016 - 6:18am
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward, saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added May 5, 2016 - 6:22am
:)) Text from daughter !!
Mark Klaers Added May 6, 2016 - 7:46am
The lovers passionately embraced while lying on her bed. Their bodies fused together as they gyrated and panted. Then, suddenly the woman cocked her ear. "Quick, my husband is coming through the front door. Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed. Just as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What are you doing lying naked on the bed?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive way and got ready to receive you." she replied with a wink and a smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just run into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."
She panicked. Before she could stop him, he was in the bathroom. He found a man clapping his hands together in mid air. Dumfounded, he asked, "Who the devil are you?"
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.
The husband yelled, "But you've got no clothes on!"
The lover looked down at his body, jumped backwards in surprise and said,
"The little bastards!"
Mark Klaers Added May 9, 2016 - 6:11am
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either." she says, not recognizing his unit.
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club!"
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added May 9, 2016 - 6:37am
Mark Klaers Added May 10, 2016 - 2:19pm
There were three men drinking in a bar, a doctor, an attorney and a biker.
As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said "For Valentine's Day I'm going to buy my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she doesn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself!"
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added May 10, 2016 - 2:23pm
Self help... :)
Mark Klaers Added May 11, 2016 - 6:00am
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, had a couple of left-over things left in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden.
He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up and pee. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple who he found hanging around under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability."
Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a Man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. I'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just let it rip, I'd be so cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please........." On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given the ability to stand up and pee.
And so it was. And it was...well, good.
"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms..."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added May 11, 2016 - 6:06am
Mark Klaers Added May 12, 2016 - 6:31am
Frank ,  ...  You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet?   What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago?   I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

   It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

   Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

   Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

   The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

   Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.


   They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
   Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.


   They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?


No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

   Yes, Sir.

   These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
   You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.


   What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.  
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.


   No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

   After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

   And where do they get this mulch?

   They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

   Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about.... 
   Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added May 12, 2016 - 7:24am
:)) Too good!
Mark Klaers Added May 12, 2016 - 3:15pm
Kaushik and Jackie, a personal favorite;
Jackie Berkel Added May 12, 2016 - 3:27pm
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added May 12, 2016 - 3:32pm
Mark Klaers Added May 13, 2016 - 6:02am
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs upon Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe".
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken".
"No", said the little girl.. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken".
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added May 13, 2016 - 6:28am
Mark Klaers Added May 16, 2016 - 5:50am
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college , asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?"
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added May 16, 2016 - 11:14am
Mark Klaers Added May 17, 2016 - 6:20am
Why is Santa so jolly? He knows where all the bad girls live.
Mark Klaers Added May 18, 2016 - 6:38am
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. 
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." 
His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." 
And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" 
His mom says, "Why?" 
And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up." 

Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added May 18, 2016 - 8:05am
Cheeky bugger :)
Mark Klaers Added May 19, 2016 - 6:31am
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."
A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"
He says, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added May 19, 2016 - 6:33am
Stone-Eater Added May 19, 2016 - 4:57pm
Hey !
That one still alive ? GREAT ! Have to dig out another one then :-)
Mark Klaers Added May 20, 2016 - 5:44am
Hey Stone, it's hard to "bat a thousand".
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded 'yes'. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
"He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added May 20, 2016 - 5:55am
Jackie Berkel Added May 20, 2016 - 9:56am
Mark Klaers Added May 23, 2016 - 8:10am
THE BRAIN SAID : Since I control everything and do all the work I should be boss.
THE FEET SAID: Since I carry man where he wants to go and get him to do what the Brain wants, I should be boss.
THE HANDS SAID: Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep all the rest of you going, I should be boss.
THE EYES SAID: Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, I should be boss.
And so it went with the Heart, the Ears, and the Lungs.
Finally the Asshole spoke up and demanded that he be boss. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of an asshole being boss.
The Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were too weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at his side, the Heart and Lungs struggled to keep going.
All pleaded with the Brain to relent and let the Asshole be boss, and so it happened. All parts did the work and the Asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of shit.
MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an Asshole.
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added May 23, 2016 - 8:21am
That explains the nature of bosses :) That's the reason I've gone solo (self-employed)!
Mark Klaers Added May 24, 2016 - 8:12am
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no- goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:
"Returned unopened"
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy. "She's incredibly mixed up," said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards.
Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tries to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Omigod!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added May 24, 2016 - 9:43am
Uh oh!
Mark Klaers Added May 25, 2016 - 3:27pm
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.
"The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
Mark Klaers Added May 26, 2016 - 9:21am
A salesman for a new firm had had a very bad week. Endless meetings in a half dozen cities, no sales. He was bummed and just wanted to relax on his flight home from Kansas City. Luckily, it looked like he had all three seats to himself in his row and he gratefully closed his eyes awaiting take off.
At the last minute, another passenger plopped down beside him. "Great, just great" he thought to himself. But then he opened his eyes and looked to see an absolutely gorgeous woman, blonde, green eyes, maybe 5 foot 4 inch, nicely built, well groomed and well dressed. Hmm, he thought, maybe my luck is going to change. She also still had a nametag on from something. So he turned to her and said "Hi, Masra. Are you traveling alone?"
She laughed and said "Oh, that's not my name. I was the keynote speaker at a convention today and forgot to take the silly thing off. It stands for Midwest American Sexual Response Association."
"Keynote, huh? That sounds fascinating. What was your address on?"
"Well, I'm a licensed sex therapist and have been doing research on the ability of the American male to please women.
I've discovered that the American male, contrary to many people's uninformed opinions, is actually quite a good lover. However, there are three groups of Americans that really stand out from the crowd as the best of all.
One group are the Jewish men because they seem to be able to really communicate with women on a sexual level. Another is the Native American, basically because as a group they are so well built 'that way.' The third are the men from down South because of their extraordinary ability to keep it up a long time.
And by the way, my name's Wanda. What's yours?"
"Hi Wanda. I'm Tonto Weisenberg, but all my friends back home just call me Bubba."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added May 26, 2016 - 9:22am
Mark Klaers Added May 27, 2016 - 6:38am
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple, and a young newlywed couple, wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked the elderly couple, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor.
The pastor went to the middle aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two week?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yes, we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor.
The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Well, Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks." the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church." stated the pastor.
"That's OK." said the young man, "We're not welcome at Walmart any more either."
Mark Klaers Added May 31, 2016 - 8:04am
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!" The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on.
However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
Mark Klaers Added Jun 1, 2016 - 7:05am
A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife." I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three years." The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she responded, "31 years old." The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"
Mark Klaers Added Jun 2, 2016 - 7:41am
The best part about having a prostitute die on you is the next hour is free!
Mark Klaers Added Jun 6, 2016 - 6:34am
I’m so sick and tired of my friends not being able to handle their alcohol. They dropped my three times carrying me out of the bar last night!
Mark Klaers Added Jun 7, 2016 - 1:52pm
Retired Person's Perspective           
 1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
 2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
 3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.
 4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
 5. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
 6. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
 7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
 8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
 9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
Mark Klaers Added Jun 8, 2016 - 5:51am
I dumped the cross-eyed woman I was dating because I thought she was seeing someone else!
TH-TH-TH-That's all, folks!
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Jun 10, 2016 - 4:06pm
Mark Klaers Added Jun 24, 2016 - 6:56am
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.

The lady reporter:  “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed):  “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter:  “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer:  “I am getting to the point, Miss.”  “Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't YOU get mad?
Jackie Berkel Added Jun 24, 2016 - 8:44am
Testicles are really all you need to dispute intelligent design.
Angel: ok, so we have the male reproductive parts right here.
           They're extremely pain sensitive, so they'll need protection.
           They're also very temperature sensitive, so maybe put them inside the                    body, fatty tissue protection, and a relatively constant temperature.
           Sound good?
God: leave them hanging between their legs in a thin sack
Angel: but the.....
God: You heard me
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Jun 24, 2016 - 2:11pm
Mark Klaers Added Jul 6, 2016 - 6:09am

Subject: Clever Signs
sign in a shoe repair store in Vancouver :       
We  will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.
A sign over a Gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.
At an Optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking've come to the right place."
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
At a Car  Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet...miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary.
We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time...However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills."
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
And the best one for last;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution:This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Jul 6, 2016 - 5:53pm
That gave me belly laughs!
Mark Klaers Added Jul 7, 2016 - 5:55am

This comes  from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70  yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable  mathematical logic.
It also made me Laugh Out  Loud.

This is a strictly .....  mathematical  viewpoint... and it goes like  this:

What Makes 

What does it mean  to give
MORE than 100%?

Ever  wonder about those people who say they are giving  more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings  where someone wants you to give over  100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What  makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little  mathematical formula that might help you answer  these questions:

A B C D E F G H I J  K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is  represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14  15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =  96% 

But ,
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =  100% 

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =  103% 

AND, look how far
ass  kissing  will take you.
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7  = 118% 

So, one can conclude  with mathematical certainty, that while 
Hard  work  and  Knowledge will get you close, and  Attitude  will get you there. Its  the  Bullshit  and  Ass  Kissing that will put you over the  top. 
Now you  know why some people are where they  are!           


I’ve never seen a better  explanation than this formula…………..
how true it is.

Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Jul 7, 2016 - 7:19am
Ah, I see now :)
Mark Klaers Added Aug 8, 2016 - 8:23am
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
Mark Klaers Added Aug 8, 2016 - 1:34pm
A guy turns to his wife in bed and whispers, "Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?"   
"Oh, what a pity," she said, "Right in the middle of National Headache Week."
Mark Klaers Added Aug 17, 2016 - 2:09pm
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks himstraight in the eye and says,"Listen here, good looking. I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... It doesn't matter to me. I just love it.
"His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in Government too. Are you federal or state?"
Jackie Berkel Added Aug 17, 2016 - 2:13pm
LMAO, thanks Mark, I missed you.
Mark Klaers Added Aug 17, 2016 - 2:42pm
Running out of interest.
Mark Klaers Added Aug 19, 2016 - 1:13pm
During his physical, the doctor asked the patient
about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,
drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of
poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an
aggressive rattlesnake and took four leaks behind big trees.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
“You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”
”No,” he replied, “I'm just a shitty golfer.” 
Mark Klaers Added Aug 19, 2016 - 1:30pm
I was just thinking. Not long ago GM was building cars in Flint, Michigan and you couldn't drink the water in Mexico.

After 7 years of support from Obama and his
Administration, GM now builds cars in Mexico, and you can't drink the water in Flint, Michigan.

Hope and Change delivered!
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Aug 22, 2016 - 1:21am
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Aug 22, 2016 - 1:22am
..and the Golfer :))
Mark Klaers Added Aug 22, 2016 - 5:55am
Donald and Hillary Go Into A Bakery on the Campaign Trail.
As soon as they enter the bakery, Hillary steals three pastries and
puts them in her pocket. She says to Donald, "See how clever
I am? The owner didn't see anything and I don't even need to lie.”
I will definitely win the election.
The Donald says to Hillary, "That's the typical dishonesty you have
displayed throughout your entire life, trickery and deceit. I am
going to show you an honest way to get the same result."Donald
goes to the owner of the bakery and says, "Give me a pastry and
I will show you a magic trick."
Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. Trump
swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him
another one. Then Donald asks for a third pastry and  eats that, 
The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and  asks, 
"What did you do with my pastries?"

Trump replies,  "Look in Hillary's pocket !"
Mark Klaers Added Aug 22, 2016 - 9:57am
A man had been slipping in and out of coma for several months, but his wife stayed at him every single day. One day he finally opened his eyes and said to his wife:
"You've been always with me through the bad times. When my business failed, you supported me. When I got fired, you were there. Also when I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost our house and my health started failing, you were still by my side. So you know what it means?"
"What, my darling" his wife asked, smiling bravely.
"I think you're really bad luck," the man said.

Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Aug 22, 2016 - 12:25pm
Mark Klaers Added Aug 23, 2016 - 7:00am
A man came home one evening and found his wife packing a suitcase.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
"I'm moving to Las Vegas," she answered. "I heard I can get there $400 for doing what I do with you."
Man took his suitcase then and started packing his things.
"And where are you going?" asked his wife.
"Well," he replied, "I've got to see how you manage to live on $800 per year."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Aug 23, 2016 - 7:54am
That's going to be an interesting discovery :)
Mark Klaers Added Aug 23, 2016 - 8:27am
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered 
pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 calibre Colt 1911 with a seven 
round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to 
know who's been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out, 
"You need more ammo!
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Aug 23, 2016 - 12:37pm
Mark Klaers Added Aug 23, 2016 - 3:25pm
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with two people is called a twosome, I know why everyone calls you handsome.
Jackie Berkel Added Aug 23, 2016 - 3:31pm
Mark Klaers Added Aug 24, 2016 - 5:05pm
The bible teaches us to love, and Kamasutra shows how to do that…
Unexpected sex – that’s a great way to wake up. If you are not in a prison…
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Aug 25, 2016 - 4:37am
Mark Klaers Added Aug 25, 2016 - 1:17pm
A cowboy was taken prisoner by a bunch of angry Indians. They were all prepared to kill him but their Chief declared that since they were celebrating the Great Spirit, they would grant the cowboy three wishes before he killing him. The cowboy can do nothing, but obey them.

The Chief comes up to him and asks:
- What do you want for your first wish?
- I want talk to my horse, - replies the cowboy.

The Chief allows him to talk to the horse. The cowboy whispers in its ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with a naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed, so they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. A little while later, the cowboy stumbles out of the teepee, tucking in his shirt. 

The Chief asks him once again:
- What do you want for your second wish?
- I want to talk to my horse, - once again replies the cowboy.

Again, the cowboy whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse neighs, rears back, and takes off at full speed. About an hour later, the horse comes back with another naked lady on its back. Well, the Indians are very impressed indeed. So, once again, they let the cowboy use one of their teepees. The cowboy stumbles out a little while later. 

The chief comes up to the cowboy and asks: 
- So, what do you want for your last third wish?
- I want to talk to my horse, - for the third time replies the cowboy.

He grabs the horse by the ears and yells @ it:
- You stupid animal, I said POSSE, POSSE!!!
Mark Klaers Added Aug 26, 2016 - 3:28pm
The difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.  Come back and tell me what you learn from that.
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mother replied, 'Of course I would!  We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids' to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd!  I LOVE Brad Pitt!  I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied.  'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.
Mark Klaers Added Aug 29, 2016 - 9:24am
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked. -
Jackie Berkel Added Aug 29, 2016 - 9:27am
Potential & realistic cracked me up. Definitely sharing that one. 
Mark Klaers Added Aug 30, 2016 - 4:26pm
Murphy goes to his friend Pat and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife.Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me.”
Pat doesn't like it but, being Murphy's longtime friend, he agrees.
After service,he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. 
Finally the Pastor gets annoyed and asks Pat what he's really up to.
Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and says… "You better hurry home.  My wife died two years ago."
Mark Klaers Added Sep 9, 2016 - 4:29am

A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Nathan.
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece,
when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece

Her mother says …..
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman!
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion!
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari!
You get $2,000 a week allowance!
You take 6 vacations a year and
you want to throw all that away
over 45 cents ?
Mark Klaers Added Sep 14, 2016 - 7:11am
Rest in peace, boiling water...
You will be mist.
Mark Klaers Added Sep 14, 2016 - 8:02am
Then either "Lighten up, Francis" or just don't come here.
Jackie Berkel Added Sep 14, 2016 - 12:46pm
The Pastor's Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR"S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next headlines read:

This was too much for Bishop so he ordered Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor gave it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The next day headlines read:
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day papers read:
This was too much for Bishop so he order the Nun to buy it back and lead it to the plains where it can run wild. The next day headlines read:
The Bishop was buried the next day...
Moral: Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...even shorten your life. So be yourself, enjoy life and stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own!!!
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Sep 14, 2016 - 1:08pm
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Sep 14, 2016 - 1:09pm
Reason for boss getting divorced.. :))
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Sep 14, 2016 - 1:09pm
I see I've been missing something :)
Mark Klaers Added Sep 26, 2016 - 7:13am
A camper's letter to Mom;
Dear Mom,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.

Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to him.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. I am sharing David's clothes although he's much bigger than me, my clothes got washed away in the flood.

I will see you Saturday if scoutmaster Ted can get the bus to run and the tires back on, thank you for letting me come to the camp I have had a real adventure. We threw rocks at the bear but it only got scoutmaster Ted's clothes and food.
We are having a great time. We are fine
Love Andrew
Mark Klaers Added Sep 26, 2016 - 8:11am
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Sep 26, 2016 - 2:09pm
Shows the importance of clear communication :))
Mark Klaers Added Sep 29, 2016 - 8:24am
Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door.
I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past
few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan
Bob, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his
neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor.
Hi Bob,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I
expect you figured it out anyway, & that you noticed that darned
Autocorrect changed 'Wi-Fi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey?
Regards, Alan.
Mark Klaers Added Oct 3, 2016 - 8:01am
A state trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. He
carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a
young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He
immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her
fingernails. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks
to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes officer?'
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper asks, 'And she, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night on lover's lane... And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks, 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The trooper asks: “and she.... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes...'
Mark Klaers Added Oct 10, 2016 - 7:12am
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low.
Mark Klaers Added Oct 10, 2016 - 7:39am
 If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. 
~Jay Leno~
 The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
 We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~
 Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~
 When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
 Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~
 I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
 Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~
 There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen. 

~Will Rogers
Mark Klaers Added Oct 10, 2016 - 8:12am
My neighbor
She's single
She's shapely
She's beautiful and she lives right across the street.
I can see her place from my kitchen window.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.
I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and have sex tonight.  Are you doing anything?"
I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great," she said.  "Can you watch my dog?"
Being a senior citizen really sucks!
Jackie Berkel Added Oct 10, 2016 - 9:13am
Especially loved the dwarf.
Mark Klaers Added Oct 10, 2016 - 2:50pm
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me
and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
  The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
  Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here.
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Oct 10, 2016 - 3:56pm
Cracking ones :)
Mark Klaers Added Oct 10, 2016 - 4:40pm
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, in her eighties, had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat        facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl         on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, in the water floated a condom!           
                                                                                                          When she returned with tea and scones, they began to  chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of  water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him - he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if   you'd tell me about this, pointing to the bowl.                                                                  
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!
Mark Klaers Added Oct 13, 2016 - 8:46am
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. 
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.  There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.  But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie. 
Janie, do you have a story to share?'
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was an Air Force pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke,
and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
 "Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Oct 14, 2016 - 5:40pm
Mark Klaers Added Oct 19, 2016 - 3:45pm
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
Mark Klaers Added Oct 19, 2016 - 3:46pm
What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?
One hundred people who don't do dick.
Mark Klaers Added Oct 19, 2016 - 3:48pm
What comes after 69?
Mark Klaers Added Oct 24, 2016 - 8:55am
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex she rubbed his testicles for the next hour. This was something she loved to do. As he was enjoying it he asked her "Why do you enjoy doing that so much?" She responded by saying "Because I really miss mine."
Mark Klaers Added Oct 25, 2016 - 8:17am
Went out last night for Halloween dressed as a chicken
Met a girl dressed as an egg.
A lifelong question was answered.
It was the chicken.
Mark Klaers Added Oct 25, 2016 - 1:09pm
A family walks into a hotel lobby and the father walks up to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled."
The guy at the desk replies "It's just regular porn, you sick bastard!"
Mark Klaers Added Oct 27, 2016 - 1:14pm
A mathamatician stumbles into his house at 3:00am...and his wife is livid. “You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!” "No," slurs the mathematician... “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Mark Klaers Added Oct 31, 2016 - 10:43am
I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing. He replied that he is working on "Aqua-thermal  treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."
I was impressed.
On further enquiring I learnt that he was washing dishes with hot water… under his wife's supervision.
Mark Klaers Added Nov 9, 2016 - 3:09pm
Last night I was driving home and listening to a sports call-in program carried by WGN in Chicago on SIRIUS. People were calling in, very upset, about the goat's head that was sent to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts at Wrigley Field. Then some guy called in from Mississippi and said, "Why are you people so upset 'cause someone sent a goat's head to Wrigley Field?
Aren't you Chicagoans the same guys that sent a horse's ass to the White House?"
I had to pull over.  
Mark Klaers Added Nov 10, 2016 - 3:04pm
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that  have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna  fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an  undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

 .. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take  debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve  months.
. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles  U.C.L.A.

 . The batteries were given out free of  charge.

 . A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and  nail.

 . A will is a dead giveaway.

 . With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

  . A boiled egg is hard to beat.

  . When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen  a mall.

  . Police were called to a day care Center where a  three-year-old was resisting a rest.

  . Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left  side was cut off? He's all right now.

  . A bicycle can't stand alone;  it is two tired.

 . When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

 . The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

 . He had a photographic memory which was never  developed.

  . When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

 . Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

 And the cream of the wretched  crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
Mark Klaers Added Nov 15, 2016 - 3:41pm
Two hunters are in the woods, when one of them suddenly collapses. He wasn't breathing, and his eyes looked glazed. Thinking quickly, the other guy grabs his cell phone and calls for help. He shouts at the emergency operator, "I think my friend is dead! What do I do!?"

"Calm down", the operator says in a soothing voice, "I can help you. But first, we need to make sure he's dead."

The phone goes silent for a second, then the operator hears a gunshot; "Ok", says the hunter, "now what?"
Mark Klaers Added Nov 15, 2016 - 3:42pm
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they pitch their tent and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

"I see thousands and thausands of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

After thinking for a moment, Watson replies: “Well, astronomically, it tells me that as there are billions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets, others may now be looking at their sky. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Metaphysically, I can see that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!” he says. “I deduce someone has stolen our tent!”
Mark Klaers Added Nov 15, 2016 - 3:48pm
A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”
Mark Klaers Added Nov 21, 2016 - 8:43am
Definitions Not in Dictionary
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is
now growing in the middle.
A place where women curl up
and dye.
Someone who is fed up with
The only animals you eat before they are born
after they are dead.
A body that keeps minutes and wastes
Mud with the juice squeezed
Someone who is usually me-deep in
Cold Storage.
money in half without damaging the paper.
An insect that
makes you like flies better.
Grape with a
Something you tell to one person at a
A bunch of bones with the person scraped
The pain that drives you to extraction.
One of the greatest labor saving devices of
An honest opinion openly expressed.

and MY
Personal Favorite!!
Something other people have.
I have
Mark Klaers Added Nov 21, 2016 - 8:46am
Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.

Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance. He recognizes it as the whaling ship that killed his father. 

Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father! Let's swim closer!"

When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces? That will be sweet revenge." And the female agreed to this.

So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship. The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.

The pair of whales started to swim off when they realized that the sailors 
were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.

The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "They're still alive, but I've got another idea. Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"

That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said, "Oh no... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen!"
Mark Klaers Added Nov 23, 2016 - 2:19pm
The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Mark Klaers Added Dec 14, 2016 - 8:04am
I told my son, "you will marry the girl I choose."

He said, "no."

I told him, "she is Bill Gates daughter."

He said, "yes."

I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter
to marry my son,"

Bill Gates said, "no"

I told Bill Gates, "my son is the C.E.O. of the World Bank."

Bill Gates said, "ok"

I called the president of world bank and asked
him to make my son the C.E.O.

He said, "no"

I told him, "my son is Bill Gates son-in-law"
He said, "ok"

This is exactly how politics works.
Mark Klaers Added Dec 19, 2016 - 8:22am
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words.  In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.


The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.


Here is his astute answer: 
When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!
Mark Klaers Added Dec 19, 2016 - 8:27am
Marketing Explained for 2016 
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
 That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says,
"She's fantastic in bed."
 That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic
in bed."
 That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up
to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to
straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
 That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
 That's Brand Recognition.
___________________________________________________________ _________________________
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you
talk him into going home with your friend.
 That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
 That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto
the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of
your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
 That's Facebook.
Mark Klaers Added Dec 19, 2016 - 8:30am
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Orange ..............Orange 
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.  None 
of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue.  It's what your 
mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and 
yelled, "Oh my God!  They're ass-holes!"
The teacher had to leave the room.
Mark Klaers Added Dec 19, 2016 - 10:11am
An  elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and  heads straight to the  19th hole. 
As he passes through the  swinging doors, he sees a sign over the bar that  reads: 
COLD  BEER: $3.00
HAND-JOB: $25.00
Checking  his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks  up to the bar and beckons the attractive bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled  golfers.
She  glides down the bar to the old golfer.   “Yes?” she inquires with a  wide, knowing smile. “May I help you sir?”
The old golfer leans  over the bar and whispers,  “Are you the one who  gives the hand-jobs around  here?
She looks into his wrinkled eyes, and with a wide smile purrs,  “Yes  sir, I certainly am.”
The old golfer leans in even closer and into her  left ear says softly,
“Well  then, be sure to wash your hands really well, because I want the cheeseburger.”
Mark Klaers Added Dec 21, 2016 - 8:10am
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:
Two Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"
"Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to religion."
A few hours later the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.
He figured he had an easy arrest……… until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Dec 21, 2016 - 8:23am
Devlish Angels :) 
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Dec 21, 2016 - 8:24am
Old golfer...has his priorities right :) 
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Dec 21, 2016 - 8:25am
Identifying the flavour....peach!
Mark Klaers Added Dec 23, 2016 - 9:16am

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder...'

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke

Q: A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.  'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'

A: 'Not yet,' she replied.

Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Dec 23, 2016 - 9:21am
Too good
Jackie Berkel Added Dec 27, 2016 - 8:07am
Mark, you hit it again. Have a great New Year.
Mark Klaers Added Dec 27, 2016 - 2:15pm
Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.  
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.  
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.  
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.  
They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.  
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.  
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.  
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
Mark Klaers Added Dec 27, 2016 - 2:16pm
Was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember!
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Dec 27, 2016 - 2:25pm
Jackie Berkel Added Dec 27, 2016 - 2:38pm
Mark Klaers Added Dec 29, 2016 - 1:33pm
Subject: A women's survey on size
Results of a women's survey on size.

Women's response to:

2 inches - I can't even hold it.

3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.

4 inches - I've had bigger than it.

5 inches - Good, but I wish a bit bigger.
6 inches - perfect.
7 inches - Love it.

8 inches - Wow! But can't have it all.

9 inches - a lot, but manageable.

10 inches - Too much pressure on stomach, fills me up

This survey was actually a Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of: Subway Sandwiches!
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Dec 29, 2016 - 1:47pm
Hidden messages. .are so tricky to read :) 
Mark Klaers Added Jan 3, 2017 - 8:25am
A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30,
after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table,
open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fucking mess and the
dishes are still in the sink. I’m completely exhausted! I didn’t get
enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my fucking pajamas? I
can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the fuck did you bring him home
without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole!?"

“Because ...he’s thinking of getting married..."

Mark Klaers Added Jan 5, 2017 - 5:49am
Ball Point Pens....
Too true, TOO FUNNY!!!!!
When NASA started sending astronauts into space they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, Congress approved a program and NASA scientists spent a decade and over $165 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. 
The Russians used a pencil...
Your taxes are due again in April, 2017
Mark Klaers Added Jan 18, 2017 - 2:57pm
They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.
Who the hell runs 8 miles in 45 seconds?
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Jan 18, 2017 - 3:25pm
Scary..what is done in our name..with our money!
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Jan 18, 2017 - 3:26pm
8 miles in 45 seconds...point to ponder :) 
Mark Klaers Added Jan 18, 2017 - 4:21pm
Why old men don't get hired
Job Interview:
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?"
Old Man :   "Honesty!"
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Old Man   : "I don't give a fuck what you think."
Mark Klaers Added Jan 23, 2017 - 1:12pm
The Dead Horse
A young man named Donald bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Donald's house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Donald replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Donald said, “Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Donald said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Donald said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Donald and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Donald said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2,495.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Donald said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.”
 Donald is soon moving into the White House.
Mark Klaers Added Feb 6, 2017 - 8:30am
Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains
of Alaska. He was driving along near the campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Hillary' hat and a 'Save The Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically,thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing "Go Trump" shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.
Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed.
"I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true.
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?
"Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact
With Heaven and has access to all wisdom.
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he
doesn't know anything about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?
Mark Klaers Added Feb 6, 2017 - 8:39am
 Being nervous, and embarrassed about my up-coming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco, where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.
 As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.  "Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.

"I don't have an erection," I replied.

"I have," replied the nurse.

Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco.
Mark Klaers Added Feb 16, 2017 - 3:03pm
Don’t think it can’t happen to you ! 

This  is what all of you 70+ year old's have to look forward to:
This is something that happened in an Aged Care Centre. 
The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central Cafeteria. 
One morning, one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my friend went upstairs and knocked on his door  to see if everything was OK. 
She could hear him through the door.   He said that he was running late, and would be down shortly, so she went back to the Dining  area. 
An hour later, he still hadn't arrived; so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. 
He  was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. 
  She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain, and just wanted to have  his breakfast.
So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. 
 A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. 
The receptionist there said he was fine, he  just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Feb 16, 2017 - 3:37pm
Nice one :)
Mark Klaers Added Feb 17, 2017 - 3:15pm
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away." But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!
Mark Klaers Added Feb 17, 2017 - 3:15pm
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low.
Mark Klaers Added Feb 17, 2017 - 3:20pm
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, 
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.       

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and
I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."       

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,  Mr. Smith replies,
"Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"       

Without even taking a moment to think about it,  Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies,
"Our allowance,  Jenny makes five bucks a week and
I make 10 bucks a week.       
That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.        

"Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"  

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,  
"Well, we've been lucky so far."       

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable. 
Mark Klaers Added Feb 20, 2017 - 9:24am
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too
good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."
"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.  Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from New York . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price..."
Mark Klaers Added Feb 21, 2017 - 3:48pm
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
Mark Klaers Added Feb 21, 2017 - 3:49pm
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'
Kaushik Venkatasubramaniyan Added Feb 21, 2017 - 4:05pm
Mark Klaers Added Feb 22, 2017 - 8:02am
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
Mark Klaers Added Feb 22, 2017 - 8:03am
 I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
Mark Klaers Added Feb 22, 2017 - 8:04am
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. 
Mark Klaers Added Feb 22, 2017 - 9:27am
I recently spent £6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he 
just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.  Anyhow, I had the Vet 
come and have a look at him.
He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to 
feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the 
fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows!
He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him     
……...... but they taste a little like peppermint.
Mark Klaers Added Feb 22, 2017 - 9:49am
One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly…”When I die, I want you to sell my stuff, immediately.”
“Now why would I do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure a woman as fine as you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some asshole using my stuff.” I said.
She looked at me intently and said…”What makes you think I want to marry another asshole?”
Mark Klaers Added Feb 27, 2017 - 6:23am